Scriptwriters: Michael Jacobs '09 and Sam Winograd '08

Harvard

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Presenting an organization that is brining in the equestrian team to test the new pool for water polo, it.s the Brown University, neighhhh splash, BAND!!!!!!!!!!

This past week, Harvard.s student newspaper, .The Dark-Red-Hue,. joined in the 2008 election festivities when its editorial board endorsed Barack Obama and John McCain for their respective parties. Their support for Obama is clear, he graduated from Harvard Law School. However, McCain never rode the crimson tide. A more apt choice may have been Mitt Romney. He went to both Harvard Law and Business school, but I guess he forgot to send in his contribution check into Harvard.s endowment this year. Soon, the Brown Daily Herald will be publishing their endorsements. We humbly suggest they chose Ruth Simmons for the Democrats because of her commitment to awesomeness and Sean Quigley because he is the only Republican they know. Now watch, as the Band forms an exclusive monument and plays a national anthem, a song that reminds us of a place where hope and change are real.

band forms monument, plays .O Canada.

Dateline: Cambridge, MA February 1 2008

This is your Harvard News round-up.

First, President Drew Faust, after sealing a book deal with the devil, recently published a book entitled This Republic of Suffering: Death and the American Civil War. In it, she uses the tragedy of the Civil War to exposit the nuanced nature of the Harvard-Yale fraternal rivalry, which they endearingly call their .Little Antietam..

Second, the most distinguished scholar of Astrology and Alchemy the muggle world has ever known, J.K. Rowling will be giving this year.s commencement speech at Harvard.s graduation. It will be entitled: .Contemplative Studies meets Gender Studies: Albus Dumbledore.

Finally, Harvard.s new financial aid program has brought joy to their campus. Steve, the student who will be affected by this new program, was overjoyed and used his I-Phone to instant-video-message his parents and tell them they would be able to buy that spare yacht next year after all.

Now, watch as the Band smiles and plays a tribute to Steve who can now have it any way he wants it.

band forms happy face, plays .Anyway you want it.

Recently, thirteen members of the Harvard Class of 1967 sent a letter to President Faust accusing Harvard students of .widespread apathy and political indifference,. and asked her to establish a task force to investigate the issue.

In response, 420 members of the Brown Class of 1967 sent a letter to Ruth Simmons saying, ..wait.what.dude.. Ruth was greatly moved.

In one of the first moves since this enlightenment, Brown students have aided the fight against global warming by making Brown.s zamboni carbon-neutral and will soon be powered by Brown.s excess amounts of political involvement and student activism.

Watch now as the band takes the initiative to do something even Harvard doesn.t do, and skates to .In the Fray..

band forms counter skate form, plays .In the Fray.

Well, that.s a wrap. See you tomorrow night on for the home basketball game against Colombia. In the meantime, join the Band tomorrow morning at 8 am at Grad Center B outside Ben Bernstein.s window for a rousing rendition of .When the Saints Go Marching In.. And of course don.t miss our next ice show on February 15 against Clarkson.

Clarkson

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Presenting an organization who loves to scat like Ella Fitzgerald, it.s the Brown University, defector I hardly know her, BAND!!!!!!!

The Clarkson.s weekly news publication, The Integrator, caused a media frenzy last week with its landmark expose` entitled .Choices of colonic proportions. by Matthew Lee. And I quote: .When it comes to the bathroom choices on campus the average defecator has a myriad of options.. Mr. Lee astutely pointed out: .Also, you would be crazy to not inspect the seat before sitting as you may encounter some presents left behind by someone of lower hygienic caliber.. Good advice for our modern era. While charting the highs and lows of his alma mater.s sanitary facilities, Mr. Lee focused even on the minute details. And I quote: .Harsh florescent lighting coupled with the worst example of human hygiene leads one to wish they had brought a spray can of Lysol before they sat down.. Watch now as the Band goes guano a guano and plays .Brown Eyed Girl..

band forms Clarkson Cow-pie, plays .Brown Eyed Girl

Clarkson recently had their annual winter exhibition, Winterfest, which included various activities including downhill canoe-ice-going. We the Band feel Brown should hold a similar event, only with better events, so as to upstage Clarkson. Our suggestions are:

A Ice skating while scantily clad in bathing suits. oh wait.

B Starting a Group-Independent-Study-Project focused on gauging the socio-economic -effects of canoe-sledding on Inuit populations.grade option S/NC

C Ice fishing in Providence River and we might finally find Vinny.

D New IM sports such as Greco-Roman snowball fight and freestyle, half-pipe, sharp-shooting snowboarding jump

E Start a Brown Curling Team because we would be automatic Ivy League Champions

F (the Band responses): the Princeton Band!!!!!!!

Maybe next year Bruno will kick it freeze-school style. But, to hold you over until then, watch now as the band rides its snow-board over two moguls, and shows that snow lovin. is better than no lovin..

band forms two snowballs and a snow board, plays .I touch myself.

Recently, Brown announced that next year, students will have the option to live in doubles with students of the opposite gender. In response, Clarkson has announced that it too will offer co-ed housing to students in the fall. The move comes as a way to combat Clarkson.s extremely lopsided male-female ratio. Clarkson.s Residential Life Office has said that this would benefit all ten female students in addition to the lucky men who should have a better Valentine.s Day next year. Watch now as the band skates to .In the Fray,. and salutes the upcoming battle between the thousands of Clarkson men over these limited special accommodations.

band Counterstakes, plays .In the Fray

Well, that does it for this magical night. Join Bruno and the Band tomorrow night as we Blitz the Pitz against Princeton. And wish us warmth as the Band ventures to the frigid north to battle Dartmouth next weekend.

ADOCH

Girls and Boys, future-Friends and future-future-Alumni, presenting an organization that matriculates three or four times a day and fives times a day on Sunday, it.s the Brown University, you can now do it in a gender-neutral double, BANNNNNNNNDDD.

It is unfortunate that those who decided to matriculate early could not come tonight. But we know that you all will be coming together this September. Deciding where to matriculate, is a very hard decision. We are not here to jerk you around, just rub you the right way. Watch now, as we drop all pretense of metaphor.

band plays .I Touch Myself.

Recently the Pope decided to innovate on church doctrine and add 7 new deadly sins. Inspired by this papal initiative, the Brown University Band presents our list of the Seven Sins of ADOCH:

1. Don.t sexile your host(s) unless you are hooking up with the other one

2. Don.t forget that last PBR.Post Binge Recovery.before going home

3. Don.t Drunk dial your parents.DRUNK TEXT INSTEAD

4. don.t assume that a .smoke. is just tobacco

5. Hooking up.don.t tell your girlfriend

6. Hooking up.don.t tell your parents

7. Hooking up with girlfriend.s parents.definitely not okay

In order to drive our point home, watch the Band commit sin 7 and play a song dedicated to our favorite girlfriend.s mom.

band plays .Stacy.s Mom.

We understand that some of you are looking at other schools, including our inferior ivy peers, URI, BYU, BJU, Liberty, and Deep Springs, but we would like to convince you of Brown.s superiority through the use of our rich tradition of interactive high-brow nuanced literary satire:

Hey guys, how many U Penn freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...None, that.s a sophomore course.

A Yale man and a Harvard man race off a cliff, who wins? ..The WORLD, but specifically Brown.

And finally, for those of you unimpressed with the idea of living on a college campus, there.s always the University of Phoenix:

Thinking ahead.to when your education will rise out of the ashes of your first failed attempt at big people school.

And now for something completely different.

Following the age old tradition of lists from the Brown University Band, we will tell you .what Brown Can do for you.:

A. We.re sixth on the Dream School list, but number one on the Wet Dream school list (you.ll be matriculating in your sleep).

B. We have the second happiest students in the nation. (hey you try saying you go to school in Walla Walla, Washington without smiling)

C. Sample semester: MCM0240 Television Studies, PHIL1520 Consciousness, MUSC69 Brown Band, UNIV0400 Beyond Narnia: The Political Theory and Writings of C.S. Lewis

D. What.s that? We don.t have those here.

E. Nakedness: you.ll have to matriculate to find out.

F. THE PRINECTON BAND

Still not convinced? Then join us at Faunce House at noon tomorrow for a march to the activities fair because you won.t find the OMAC without us. And remember, Saferide only runs till 3 am, but for 15 cents on any RC.s door you can ride safely anytime you want.

band plays .Number 1.