Hockey v. RPI, 2/14/04
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that invites you to see Alice run for 4 hours straight, it’s the Brown University “Roses are red, so are some ants, I bet you can’t guess what I’ve got in my pants” BAND!
Dear Hallmark Incorporated,
The band refuses to eat up any more of your nonsense. We’re moving up, moving out, and we’re taking the conversation heart business with us. That’s right; conversation heart production is being taken over by Brown. There’ll be no “QT” in our candy box. Instead, munch on the following:
A) 13th Floor – going down?
B) It’s Love My Body Day
C) Be My Main Green
D) Subvert me!
E) Your obsequious post-modern attempts at wooing my voiceless epiglottal fricative caucus have obliterated the precarious epistemic dichotomy between the oppressive patriarchal regime of polka-esque xantham gum dirigibles and the creamy Ted Nugent center in Mike Vrabel’s autonomous white male hegemonic corn syrup paradigm.
F) THE PRINCETON BAND!
The band will now form Yellow Dye #5 and play “Any Flavor You Want It”
[band forms 5, plays “Any Way You Want It”]
What you may not know, Hallmark, is that before you, we were involved with a much… larger culture. The Romans celebrated a predecessor of modern Valentine’s Day by placing the names of young women into a box and whoever drew the strip of paper with the black dot was stoned to death. Oh wait, wrong story. Roman civilization also eventually gave rise to such great inventions as democracy, columns, and Tentacles the hotdog slicer, making barbeques safe for children everywhere.
Watch now as the band forms a meat squid and plays “I Want You Bacchus.”
[band forms frankfurter converter and plays “I Want You Back”]
Maybe one day we’ll be able to put aside our differences and celebrate our common festive roots. In fact, maybe we can even be friends, provided you don’t decide to burn down our city like the last guy we trusted. We’d like you to know that Nero, far-o, wherever you are-o, you are here in our hearts...Our hearts that were ripped out and stomped on! Watch now as the band does its own double-crossing and plays “In the Fray.” Counterskate!!!
[band forms two lines, collides awkwardly while breathlessly honking “In the Fray”]
Next week, the band travels to New York to battle St. Lawrence and Clarkson with an arsenal of semiotic weapons, but we’ll return on the 27th with another ice show after the Dartmouth game.
[band skates to side, playing #1, then does beer song hand wavy thing]