Men's Hockey vs. Union
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization
that isn't afraid to go down head first, it's the Brown University
"this luge is slippery when wet" BAND!!!
It's Olympic season again, time for joy, time for tears, and time for
Canada to achieve fleeting relevance to the rest of the world. After
the warm reception of skeleton to this year's games, Olympic officials
contracted with the Fox network to add even more exciting new sports to
the next Winter Olympics. Look for Temptation Pairs Figure Skating, The
Chamber luge, Speed Skating away from the stars of When Good Pets Go
Bad 3, college liberals ironically watching The O'Reilly Factor (on
ice), and Throwing Snowballs at the executive who canceled Family Guy.
Watch now as the band waits for the adoption of vegan brown ice pilaf
as a sport and forms its current favorite Olympic "Vehicle," the
bobsled.
[band forms a bobsled plays vehicle]
That's all well and good, but it's hard to enjoy the Olympics when
people are getting mugged at knife point in their very dorm rooms. To
combat the rising crime spree, police and security are considering
building a BUPS signal on top of the sci-li, posting snipers on grad
center, and training Mark Perry to use his latent telekinetic powers.
These solutions will of course do nothing against the real cause of
crime on campus, demons summoned by the paranormal resonance from the
newly-constructed Thomas Watson Center for International Studies. Watch
now as the band swallows the bitter pill that the Tee-Watt is the root
of all campus evil and plays "Think."
[band forms a stick figure]
Even though there haven't been any Crime Reports in the past few days,
we're pretty certain that the Tee-Watt is just being abstinent for
Lent. But what can be done to stem the rising tide of Hell that will be
coming inside the walls of this building? First and foremost, don't buy
anything from the Hourglass Café, because while it seems that you're
just hurting yourself, that money actually goes straight to the 7th
circle to fund the construction of more slanting-out windows. Secondly,
wear some sort of full-body protection when you go inside the Tee-Watt
to keep you safe from anything lurking in the darkness. Finally, it has
been prophesied that the only way to truly subdue the Tee-Watt is to
hook it up with sci-li's 14 stories of power, strength, and virtue.
Even though this process will cause activation of Tee-Watt's fire
sprinklers and subsequent uncontrollable flooding, that is the price
that must be paid for safety on campus. Watch now as the band, free
from the Tee-
Watt's evil clutches, can practice for its entry in the next Winter
Olympics, the legendary, unsurpassed, take-that-Scott-Hamilton
COUNTERSKATE!!!
[band counterskates]
Thank you for coming to the Band's Final Skating Show of the Season.
Stop by next semester for football, when the Band will answer the age
old question, "which is funnier, a chimpanzee on a trampoline or former
president Warren G. Harding?"