Ice Hockey - Brown vs.
Rensselaer
February 6, 1998
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that gets knocked down, but gets up again, it’s the Brown University "flirting with… disaster" Band!
(Band skates onto ice, and Kyle barely averts disaster)
This show will be a salute to disasters. We promise, however, not to say anything about Bill Clinton’s latest disaster, the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal.
But speaking of things with a high price tag, the Brown Band recently saw James Cameron’s new movie "Titanic". We understand that producing "Titanic" was almost as expensive as a Brown education. However, the film recovered all of its costs within a few weeks. We can only hope the same for ourselves. For those of you that haven’t yet seen the movie, the Brown Band wants to apologize for revealing the ending in this week’s show. You may want to cover your ears while we read the next line.
(Pause)
(Deeper voice) The boat sinks.
The Band will now reenact the story of the Titanic taking its maiden (pause) voyage, from Liverpool to New York.
(Band forms Titanic)
Look out, Band! Ice!
(Band looks down [exaggeratedly] and screams in terror.)
Hold on to your lifeboats, everyone, and watch now as the Band plays on.
(Band plays "Peter Gunn Theme". The Band then moves forward, ie "sinks".)
A little-known fact of history is that the Titanic was an engineering design project of RPI students. In fact, the Titanic’s original destination was not New York, New York, but Troy, New York, home of Rensselaer. Plans were changed when it was realized that THIS Troy didn’t have a harbor. However, we still enjoyed watching the Brown hockey team sack the Trojans. On this, the hundredth anniversary season of Brown hockey, we’d like to salute the spirit of good sportsmanship by forming our opponent’s initials and playing "Brown Bear".
(Band forms "RIP" and plays "Brown Bear".)
Another great disaster of recent weeks was Vanity Fair’s grossly inaccurate portrayal of Brown. We all know that Brown students actually drive Jaguars, not Porsches, and take weekend trips to Venice, not Paris. And the article completely neglected the Brown Band, who recently returned from a world tour with Brown alums Duncan Sheik and Lisa Loeb.
(pause)
They opened for us. We toured New York and Tokyo. We didn’t go to Paris, of course; it’s just so blasé now.
But, there’s no need to be defensive about Vanity Fair’s portrayal of Brown. We’ll just let the article speak for itself. In the words of Jennet Conant, "What’s behind the explosion of BMWs and Chanel jackets on its once quiet campus?" (pause) Watch now as the Brown Band forms an exploding BMW and plays "Fire."
(Band forms BMW, explodes, and plays "Fire.")
Well, it’s time for us to leave now. If we stay any longer, we’ll probably get a parking ticket. Join us February 20 as Brown takes on Cornell Big Red Disasters, and the Band offers emergency musical assistance. Watch now as the Band forms all that’s left of the BMW and plays "Ever True to Brown."
(Band does just that, and skates away playing "Ever True")
Ice Hockey - Brown vs. Cornell
February 20, 1998
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization with an ego problem AND an id problem, it’s the Brown University "Freud where prohibited" Band!
Recently, the Band has begun to psychoanalyze itself, as we are quite disturbed by the fact that every time the percussion section plays the bells, we start to salivate. We decided that the best way to solve the problem would be to analyze this show. Close scrutiny revealed bad psychology puns and many talented (thick accent, emphasis) Jung musicians, but no Sexuality and Society concentrators. We must be repressed. Watch now as the band salutes the science of psychology by forming a Rorschach inkblot test and playing "Johnny’s Superego."
(Band forms inkblot and plays "Johnny’s Mambo")
For this week’s show, we want to talk about the Big Red Rock. It’s far from civilization, it’s cold, it’s deserted, and it has a really big gorge. The Brown Band wants to dedicate this portion of the show to (pause) Mars. We find it remarkable that Mars bears such a resemblance to a certain obscure school in upstate New York. In fact, the biggest scientific controversy that has come to light in recent months is the question (dramatic voice): Is there life on Cornell? The late astronomer Carl Sagan said, "yes, I think so..." (businesslike, scientific TV program narrator tone) The Brown Band had doubted this conclusion, and decided to challenge the hypothesis. In conjunction with Brown’s world-renowned Planetary Geology Department, we launched a mission to Cornell, equipped with a ‘Red Rover,’ designed to bring us a sample right over. In short, sample analysis found the Cornell rock teeming with "billions and billions" of students. The only question that remains it whether or not Big Red harbors intelligent life. Watch now as the Band forms a big red planet and plays "Starblazers."
(Band forms Mars and plays "Starblazers")
Speaking of stars, some of the world’s finest athletes gathered recently in Nagano, Japan for the 18th Winter Olympics. (smooth announcer voice) Our coverage is brought to you by the Brown Band Broadcasting Corporation. Our guarantee, something no other network can claim: we promise to bring you at least 5 minutes of actual Olympic events EVERY HOUR!! Our exciting Olympic coverage will begin with a sport newly added to the Olympic Games: curling! In fact, we hear that soon to follow will be crimping, manicures, and... What? Ohhhh! Never mind. Anyway, another first in the Olympic lineup is women’s ice hockey, with Brown’s Tara Mounsey and Katie King on the gold-medal winning US team. And in yet another first-time sport, Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati, whose gold medal had been revoked when he tested positive for marijuana use, had it restored when it was realized that marijuana is not a performance-ENHANCING substance. And we would like to propose a new event for the next winter games: synchronized ice banding.
(Marty and Jonah McBride ice dance as the band goes into formation)
(Inane announcer voice) Watch now as the Brown Band performs their extremely difficult skating program by forming One-Olympic-Ring playing "Bring the Victory," the same song that won them the gold medal in their last skating show. Now, this band has overcome many obstacles to be here today. The entire trombone section was raised by wolves, and the president of the band had his car towed away earlier this year, but he’s made an incredible comeback since, and oh, no! it looks like the bass drummer is having major balance problems; let’s hope he can make it into formation, and they’re skating, skating, skating, skating, the band is skating around and around (variation: if we are in formation by this point, then say that we are standing, standing, standing…)…and yes! it looks like they’re going to play a song!
(Band forms one Olympic ring and plays "Bring the Victory")
Join us next week when Brown Hockey takes on Clarkson Golden Knights, and the Band wins another golden medal.
Ice Hockey - Brown vs.
Clarkson
February 27, 1998
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that French cuffs its Cavariccis, it's the Brown University "2 Legit to Quit" Band!!!
(Band hammers its way onto the ice)
First was 70s nostalgia was chic, then 80s nostalgia was where it's at, but recent events in the Persian Gulf have made the Band nostalgic for the early 90s. They were the good old days...the good old days of the Bush administration. The Berlin Wall fell, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart fell twice, and the Buffalo Bills fell four times. And oh, how innocent and carefree we were! We all drank our Crystal Pepsi, as we dreamed of the soulful voices of the New Kids on the Block. We also looked up to Milli Vanilli, but we didn't want to be like them. We wanted to be musicians. In our quest to relive those happy times, we've been scouring the thrift shops in search of Reebok Pumps and Hypercolor T-shirts for that retro look.
Watch now as the band goes retro by forming a slap bracelet and playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
(Band forms a slap bracelet and plays "Smells")
Attention, Brown fans! Are YOU sitting in the hot seat? If you are, then GET UP! before you get burned.
(Pause)
Last year, the Band traveled to Clarkson for a hockey game. The Band was deeply offended by the rudeness of the Clarkson fans- where did they learn such behavior, from sheep? We had wanted to take revenge by verbally abusing Clarskon in this week's show. But then we realized that we didn't KNOW anything about Clarkson. It's so gosh darn obscure! So instead, we decided to pay tribute to obscurity. We can name all our B vitamins- can you? Did you know that the last Whig president of the US was Millard Fillmore? And we're also world travelers: we've been to such exotic places as Ouagadougou and Djibouti! But the Band's favorite road trip was to the nation of Andorra, tucked away in the picturesque Pyrennes between France and Spain. We returned with a lovely photograph of the beautiful Andorran landscape. All of it. Watch now as the Band salutes obscurity by forming Andorra and playing "Kodachrome."
(Band forms Andorra and plays "Kodachrome")
The Band recently completed its applications for the housing lottery and for BTV's new show, The Dating Zone. But due to an unfortunate paperwork mix-up, we found ourselves in a dating lottery (pause), with the following segments:
Segment I- Good Dates. (Pause.) These are probably already taken.
Segment II- Special Interest Dates: ISO members, computer science concentrators, and Brown
Band show writers.
Segment III- Sam Blackman.
Segment IV- Your RC
Segment V- singles, doubles, and triples
Segment F- the Princeton Band
If you find yourself in Segment F, do not despair. There are still plenty of good dates to be had, if you just do your research.
(Pause.)
As for the location of your date, may we suggest 18 and over night at the Underground. We hear that it's very quiet and romantic. Watch now as the Band plays "In the Fray" while presenting its entry in the lottery multimedia contest: a daring, death-defying, date-winning B!
(Band forms a counter-skate B while playing "In the Fray.")
We hope you enjoyed our shows for this year's hockey season. Be sure to join us next year as the Brown Band takes on the football team.
(Band exits, ice left, playing "Ever True")
Fanueil Hall Show
February 28, 1998
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting the organization that trashed the U.S. Men's Hockey Team's hotel room, it's the Brown University "Really, it was us. For real. Really!" Band!!
The Brown Band is a student-run musical organization that supports Brown athletic teams. In addition to being Brown's athletic supporter, we play scripted halftime shows for football games, and we are the only skating band in the world. Every year, we perform two to three shows on the ice after hockey games. This show will be a sample of the Band's musical and creative talent. Our first song will be "For Bruno and For Brown."
(Band plays "For Bruno and For Brown")
In our shows, we generally parody many different things. For this show, we wanted to make fun of staplers. Particularly maroon ones. But, we realized that the National Association for the Preservation of Staplers (NAPS) might be offended. So we decided to make fun of religion instead. Boy, isn't religion funny? Ha ha ha....(Scriptreader dies dramatically, new scriptreader takes over.) Watch now as the Band salutes infinite cosmic power by playing "Starblazers."
(Band plays "Starblazers")
Aaarrrggghhhh, matees, ye be seein' a good show heeerrre, but can ye find me burried treasurr? Heere be directions to me treasurr. Take I-95 North for three million seven hundred 29 thousand paces, then take ye a left for fifteen thousan' four hundre' an' two paces, then take ye a right a' the 7-11, an' it will be in the chest behin the garbage cans. And ye' can have me bottle o' rum, too. Yo ho ho. Next, me matees from the Brown Band will play "Russian Sailors Dance."
(Band plays "Russian Sailors Dance.")
Speaking of Russian.... These two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is carrying an octopus. He orders a beer and sets the octopus down on the bar. So, he's having his drink, and the bartender comes up to him and says 'Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have an octopus there. Why is that?' Just then, the octopus stands up and (scriptreader lapses into Russian for a few sentences), and that's how they get the jelly in jelly donuts. And this is how the Band sounds when they play "Brown Cheering Song."
(Band plays "Brown Cheering Song.")
The Band recently had a marshmallow roast. Unfortunately, we ran out of regular marshmallows and were forced to break open a limited edition box of Lucky Charms that the Princeton Band sold us for sixty-nine cents. But after seeing the marshmallows, we discovered just WHY the edition was so limited: Black anvils! Red hammer-and-sickles! Green beans! And white teeth, to remind your child to visit the dentist IMMEDIATELY after eating the cereal! (Short pause.) Our next song will be "Joshua."
(Band plays "Joshua")
(Didactic, dry tone.) Now, before we continue any further with our show, I'd like to pause so I can make a short discourse on the importance of revolution as a driving force of social and cultural history. I will be focusing on the case studies of 1789 France and 1917 Russia, though not the case of the United States, as the popularly termed "American Revolution" is something of a misnomer. Revolution involves an overthrow of an existing social order, following the discontent of a critical mass of people, who then are compelled to activism...(during this time, the Band has begun to eye the scriptreader in a rather annoyed way, until he is approached from behind, suffocated with a trench coat, and disposed of. New scriptreader takes over). Watch now as the Band celebrates its revolutionary power by playing "In the Fray".
(Band plays "In the Fray")
The Brown Band has recently become interested in the study of language, and we did good on our last grammar test, and we learned to not split infinitives, and we know what part of the sentence to put our prepositions in, and we learned not to write really long run-on sentences. But English isn't the only language we've been studying rigorously. In fact, we're currently in training for the Hindi 500. And hey! We're not just proficient in human languages--we can speak animal languages, too! To quote a well-known bear in his native language: "Only you can prevent forest fires." Watch now as the Band plays "Brown Bear."
(Band plays "Brown Bear.")
Now one thing the Brown Band occasionally does
Is writing in verse, but only because
Our humorous tendencies tend to erode
(short pause) Not to mention, our President's car was just towed.
We write about politics, inkblots, and aliens,
We're wordy, verbose, and sesquipedalian.
And sometimes our scripts will include a surprise-
At the end of this segment, the narrator dies.
(Scriptreader looks up, confused. Has a knowing pissed-off-Kyle look on his face. Is then hit over the head with a bass drum mallet. Dies unremarkably. New scriptreader takes over.)
Segue to haiku:
Warped humor is essential.
The Band plays "Time Warp."
(Band plays "Time Warp")
And now, a final question for our audience to ponder: what is the sound of one band clapping? (Band applauds) We hope you enjoyed the show, and join us tonight at 7:00, as the Brown basketball team takes on Harvard, and the Band takes on the Harvard bass drum.
A Day On College Hill Show
April 15, 1998
Note to readers: This font = male reader, This font = female reader
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni- and prefrosh- presenting an organization that is the best class in the history of Brown University, it's the Brown University "Good things come to those who wait-list" Band!
(Band applies itself to the stage in Meehan)
In this show, the Band would like to salute...er, we mean...completely ridicule the college admissions process. For this purpose, our two brave show writers went to the admissions office and said, "Excuse me. We want to make fun of you. Can we have an application?" They told us they had run out, and to try back next September. After being so quickly deferred by the admissions office, we set out in search of an application, visiting 10 colleges in three days. We were unable to find an application anywhere, so we decided to write our own and send it into Brown. We even filled out part of it! Watch now as the Band plays "Brown Application."
(Band plays "Brown Bear.")
Name: Nicole Brown
Date of Birth: February 13, 1980. The '80s??????
Address: Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri, 69666.
Parents' Names: Tom and Jerry
Parents' Occupations: Tom- exterminator. Jerry (pause)- Actor
Are you a US citizen? Yes- the aliens dropped me here as an infant.
Race: 800 meters
High School: Yes.
Sex: (pregnant pause) Female.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime, other than a minor traffic violation? No.
Have you ever been convicted of a minor traffic violation? No, but I
have over $5,000 in parking tickets.
Are you applying early decision, regular decision, irregular decision, late decision,
last-minute decision, your decision, or your parents' decision?
How did you hear about Brown?
A. Graffiti on a bathroom wall
B. I just knew I wanted to go to school in Rhode Island, so I started my college search
from there!
C. An ad in the National Enquirer
D. Home delivery of the Brown Daily Herald
E. You know, the usual way... Vanity Fair, 20/20...
F. The Princeton Band.
Watch now as the Band remembers its college search by playing "Bruno's Mambo."
(Band plays "Johnny's Mambo")
Part II- Academic information
Give your GPA, rounded to the seventh decimal place. Give your class rank. Explain why you're not ranked as highly as you should be.
Test scores: I got a 2900 on the SAT- 700 in verbal, and 1200 in math.
Also send us your ACT, ADD, LSD, IUD, DUI, and BMW.
Send us a recommendation from your teacher, your Siamese twin, and the monster that lives under your bed.
Also send us your shoe.
List all the activities you have ever done in the order of importance to YOU, or to the person filling out this application.
BAND!
Marching Band
Concert Band
Pep Band
Hockey Band
Street Band
Sidewalk Band
Band Band
The Physics Club
The Anti-Physics Club
The Breakfast Club
The Nine of Clubs
President of the Celene Dion Fan Club
The Anarchists' Organization
The "Looks good on a college application" Club
The National Dishonor Society
Captain of the Miniature Golf Team
Editor of the Student Propaganda Leaflet
Bathroom Wall Poet and Artist
and The Young Illuminati.
Watch now as the secret rulers of the world, the Brown Band, begin the apocalypse by unleashing evil hordes of snare drummers and playing "Fire."
(Band plays "Fire.")
We interrupt this satire for a commercial break....
Gentlemen.... are you unsure of what to wear to your senior Prom?
(Kyle walks suavely to the front of the Band)
Are you looking for something more stunning than the traditional black tux? Well, why not try this... the BROWN BAND UNIFORM! With the Brown Band uniform's tan pants, dazzling red shirt, and button-covered brown jacket, you are sure to have all the ladies swooning over you.
(Ladies swoon over Kyle.)
And Ladies...the search for the perfect Prom ensemble gets more difficult every year. Dazzle them all in this sexy, stunning BROWN BAND UNIFORM!
(Kirsten sashays, fashion model style, up to the front of the stage, turns, etc. All the gentlemen are dazzled, etc)
Be special! Be unique! Be the only one with YOUR OUTFIT!
(Kirsten eyes Kyle suspiciously...they disappear back into the band)
And remember-the Brown Band wears khakis.
Have you ever had your school completely misrepresented by the mainstream media? You will...
(pause)
Have you ever eaten crunchy cheese-baked scrod?
You will...
(pause)
Have you ever examined the nature of the signified/signifier construct for the purpose of overthrowing the capitalist hegemony?
You will...
(pause)
And the school that will bring it to you is Brown University.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled show by playing "Joshua."
(Band plays "Joshua")
The Final Segment- Essays.
Choose five of the following six questions.
1. Create your own religion. Become its main prophet. Write page 243 of your holy book.
2. Compare and contrast Captain Kirk with He-Man. If they had a battle, who would win?
Cite historical and literary evidence.
2.5. Who's your favorite Spice Girl?
3. Go directly to number 5. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
5. If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to His face, if you were
faced with Him in all His glory, what would you ask if you had just one question?
6. Why ask why?
Finally, read an essay in your own handwriting.
The activities I was involved in in High School taught me a lot about leadership. I was very active in serving my community, and I think that community service is an important part of who we are as citizens. I think that... never mind what I think! What do you think? You only take 17% of your applicants? What's up with that? And what's up with pencils? I mean, nobody uses those, right? Don't you love the paternalism of Windows 95? Pope me some Guam! (serious, earnest voice) And in conclusion, I think Brown would be the best place for me to develop my talents and become a future citizen of the world.
Well, that's it. You're done! You can relax; all the heart-wrenching struggle of the application process is over. (ominously) Until you start applying for a job. Watch now as the Band looks ahead to the future by playing "Time Warp."
(Band plays "Time Warp.")
We hope you enjoyed our show. Be sure to talk to us during the Activities Fair to follow. We're the ones with the shiny uniforms and the big instruments!
(Band boogies out, playing "Ever True to Brown.")