Ice Hockey - Brown vs. Dartmouth
Saturday, March 1, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and a warm welcome to any and all wealthy patrons of the arts in attendance this evening, presenting an organization representing the pinnacle of artistic integrity -- yes, we DARE call it art -- it’s the Brown University Multimedia Installation on Ice!

[Band slides into the groove]

The Brown Band has decided to change its image. Think of us no longer as bandies, but as serious artists, combining elements of ice dancing, guerrilla performance art, and street performance, in what is not merely a skating show at a hockey rink but, more, a Multimedia Experience. You’ll see the band skate to poorly written poetry, perform mellifluous feats of melody, and even the wonder that is Vartan on Ice! Unfortunately, our new uniforms haven’t arrived yet, so for the time being you’ll just have to imagine us doing all this in black turtlenecks and berets.

OK, I’ll level with you... we lied about Vartan on Ice. But here’s the next best thing!

[Band plays #3 while executing a death-defying synchronized skating maneuver]

And now for the poetry.

This abstract little gem was written by a collective poetry group working out of the basement of a Parisian marble factory. Unfortunately for American art-lovers, much of their work has been denied import by the US Food and Drug Administration as a health hazard. They did, however, manage to smuggle us this one baked into a loaf of French bread. We hope you find it as hard to swallow as we did.

[Voice clears throat]

Pickled Chicken Knuckles

Passive Aggressive Paranoid Schizophrenic
One of Freud’s favorite woids
You joik.
Dis’ll nevah woik. . .

Because the Cabbage Patch Doll will eat your hair
And devour your soul
And haunt
Your deepest dreams

‘Klaatu Barata Nikto’ means:
Nuke it from orbit, just to be safe.

Thank you!

Please watch now as the Brown Ice Troupe performs an interpretive dance.

[Band does just that while playing "Johnny’s Mambo"]

Behold as it behooves the band to become bristly like great Gregorian’s goatee. And while we’re on the matter of woolly matter (a weighty matter indeed), we thought it ought to be enlightening for some of the Dartmouth fans in the audience to point out that Scottish scientists recently succeeded in cloning--

Oh, never mind. It’s just too easy.

Watch now as the band performs its salute to popular culture as simultaneous expression and subversion of the capitalist mass marketplace by forming a roll-on.

[Band does just that and plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit"]

Killer Emus couldn’t drag us away, but our press agent says we should keep it short and sweet. You know, leave you wanting more. Besides, we have to grease the wheels by buying the local art critic dinner at Paragon. In any case, we’ll see you all next season!

[Band takes its bow, skates off to #1]

Pre-Frosh 2001, Band 69 - A Day On College Hill 1997
Tuesday, April 15, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen [beat] and prefrosh, presenting another organization that always eats its applesauce, it’s the Brown University Heaven’s Gatecrashers BAND!

[Band rushes stage]

CONGRATULATIONS! Whatever you do, don’t throw this envelope away. You may already have won a no-expense paid trip to a higher plane of existence. . . No, it’s not the Hale-Bopp Comet, it’s a prestigious Ivy League University! That’s right, all you have to do is return the enclosed forms. . . take several dozen standardized tests. . . endure a nerve wracking personal interview. . . have flawlessly perfect grades AND if we don’t decide that we just don’t like the look of your face WE’LL SAY:

"JOE STUDENT HAS JUST barely SURVIVED THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS!"

Thaaaaaat’s right! You may have already won a spiff new college education-- It slices! It dices! Just look at all those julienned brain cells! It even makes a decent wall decoration, and if you’re really lucky it MIGHT JUST get you a job!

[Band plays "Joshua"]

Your own diploma! Don’t miss this opportunity. Not sold in any stores... how much would you expect to pay for this little wonder? 3 million dollars? 4 million dollars? More? Order now and it’s yours for the low, low Ivy League price of 29 thousand nine-hundred ninety-nine, ninety-nine per year!

But wait! If you act now you’ll also receive at some extra charge student activities! That’s right! All the protests on the main green your social conscience desires! Clubs for anything you could imagine, no matter how obscure! A corporate sellout so-called college radio station! Dogmatic socialists preaching sermons! Ivy League caliber college athletics PLUS a world class scatter band! It’s a football band! It’s a hockey band! Even plays for weddings, bar mitzvahs and birthday parties. Three! Three! Three bands in one!

[Band plays #3]

Alright, pop quiz hotshot! If you fail to answer any of these questions, you will be chained to a chair and forced to watch SPEED 2 until you chew your own leg off or suffer braindeath, whichever comes first.

1. As a high school senior. . . what have you done so far that has had a significant effect on the course of world history?

2. So, what exactly IS that stuck between your teeth?

3. If you were a Smurf, which Smurf would you be, and why?

4. In the space provided, please explicate Alanis Morisette’s metaphysic of the ironic.

5. Yes, and what makes you think YOU’RE good enough to go attend MY university?

6. What do you want out of life?

Watch now as the band thinks about all the things it learned in high school.

[Band plays "Kodachrome"]

Well, it seems as if you’ve all survived your ordeal. The envelopes arrived and by golly they were big suckers. You’ve now reached that point in your life when you stop trying to impress colleges and THEY start trying to impress YOU. And you gotta admit it’s pretty impressive the way those tourguides can walk backwards like that.

(Don’t be fooled. Read the fine print-- the ability to walk backwards is actually a requirement for graduation.)

But no worries for now, just sit back and relax. Enjoy the a capella frenzy that is to come. And remember, you won’t ever have to go through this again.

At least. . . not until a few years in the future when it’s time to apply for summer internships.

[Band plays "Time Warp"]

Join us again tomorrow at noon at Faunce Arch to see the Brown Band perform its world infamous impersonation of the Pied Piper. You can’t miss us-- we’ll be the ones with the shiny instruments playing the loud music.

[Band Marches off to #1]