Brown 35 vs. Albany 7
Saturday, September 18 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, puppies, freshmen, and other things that still aren’t house trained, presenting an organization that’s always in the upstate, it’s the Brown University, “Guess what we had docked” BAND!

To kick off another fine season, the Bears are joined today by the Great Danes of Albany: the city that always sleeps. To overcome recent New York budget deficits, half of Albany’s team has been outsourced to SUNY Geneseo, where they’ve formed a less filling squad, Genesee Light. The team’s traditional uniform tights will soon be replaced by more economical hotpants. The deficit has turned the university into a real Albaneezer Scrooge, tying purse strings around these dogs’ equipment so tightly, they’re rendered unable to score. Watch now as the band turns and coughs up something furry while playing “Championship.”

[Band forms a football/furball, plays "Championship"]

Recently voted the #1 party school in the U.S., Albany has spent the past year beefing up its social scene. With the implementation of a new EZ Pass grading system, students are now able to spend even less time studying and more time at those new-fangled moving pictures just introduced to the capital region known as Patalkies. Due to the rank odor wafting down the MassPike, we’re beginning to suspect there’s more than just water flowing through the Hudson Valley. The Band will form a B for “Beerie Canal” and play “Bring the Victory.”

[Band forms B, plays "Bring the Victory"]

[Band runs to sideline, arcs up for SSB]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization with the most pipes in the Ivy League, it’s the Brown University “Organ Grinder? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

Since we’ve been away, the campus has seen more change than a Thayer Street hobo. The Brown Cosmonaut Society is thrilled by the new satellite anti-gravity fitness centers. Sadly, as the donkey photo has been removed from the SciLi, students will now actually have to go to German class to learn about Das Boat. Most importantly, all Class F parties must now be held in University facilities. While this means that security guards on Wriston will be reduced to watching over the Damascus truck, we’re sure we’ll be able to funnel some fun down through the Sayles Organ. The band will now form its favorite nighttime snack and play “EMS, I want you back.”

[Band forms "Damascus truck" (a.k.a. "keg") and plays "I Want You Back"]

Some of the most notable changes are also the tastiest ones. However, until the new Jagermeister Wellness Center opens up, we’ll have to spend meal credit on BUDS. Now that they’re open late, students have been seen blazing through an entire Gate pizza at 2AM. While we’re in a white haze of joy over the reappearance of poppyseed bagels, it’d be nice to see something other than mushrooms at the salad bars. Stuck in the line for brownies, the band asks, “Why doesn’t Smoothie King take points?”

[Band forms two "curved lines" (a.k.a joint/doobie) and plays "Smooth"]

Traffic through the Ratty has been amended by the addition of giant street signs. In Accent Alley, you can add a hint of Cockney to your salad; at the Creation Station, let there be light dressing. The rest of the U. has followed suit and has renamed roads on the East Side to make navigation easier. For instance, at the corner of Mythical and Not-In-This-Lifetime Streets, you can find Brown’s new performance hall and plenty of overnight street parking. Please be aware, however, that Tee-Wat Way, typically accessible by a narrow, tree-lined service road, will be closed once a month for periodic maintenance. Sick of this structure being obscured by shrubbery, the band will plow through the bush and play “In the Way.”

[Band forms a B, plays "In the Fray"]

We’d like to remind you that tomorrow is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, and invite you to join us here next week to take on Harrrrrrrvard.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 34 vs. Harvard 35
Saturday, September 25 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that’s different from all other organizations, it’s the Brown University “Kosher? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

Due to the sacred nature of this day, the band is unwilling to spell the full name of G-d on the field. In fact, out of respect, the entire first half will be played without the use of the letter O, which should make for an interesting game of ftball. Though some of the band is off fasting like an Olsen twin, the rest of us will try to win one for the Kippur by leaving the pigskin intact and playing “NFL on Fox.”

[Band forms a football, plays "NFL on Fox"]

Brown’s campaign to victory over Harvard today is slightly marred by the arrival of the Boston Duck Boat Veterans for Truth who have traveled over land and water to insist that last week’s triumph over Albany wasn’t as heroic as it seems. However, we know these boys from Beantown are just blowing gas. The band will form a B for “Beans, beans, the musical fruit” and toot out “Brown Cheering Song.”

[Band forms B, plays #2]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that comes in Light, Regular, Heavy, Super, and Cool Ranch, it’s the Brown University “You can’t gargle sand” BAND!

Harvard students returned this fall to find a number of changes to their school’s regular cycle. Traffic in and out of Cambridge was frustrated due to the increased flow of Crimson through Boston’s new tunnel. Also, we’ve heard rumors that Home Depot made a large contribution to Harvard’s endowment which will allow for the admittance of an even greater number of tools. As we’ve learned from month to month, though, no matter the size of the endowment, it’s useless if the tunnel’s flooded. We’re not expecting traffic to be as bad as it seems, though, as most Cambridge commuters agree that it’s better to ride one red line than two blue lines. Watch as the band forms a sigh of relief and plays “Rescue Me.”

[Band forms single line, plays “Rescue Me”]

Motions have been made recently to make Harvard’s curriculum more like Brown’s, but with a few crucial differences. For instance, a Harvard education now comes with 33% more self-importance…FREE! As each grading period approaches, students might feel that their theories retain more water, and find their GPAs to be generally bloated. However, studies have shown that once these grading periods are over forever, the student body begins to droop in places it never did before. The band will pause to form the variable that keeps students productive and give you your curriculum Any Way You Want It.

[Band forms T, plays “Any Way You Want It”]

We view Harvard’s curriculum change as a new provocation in the age-old color war between Brown the University and Crimson the Abstract Mascot. Looking to settle this dispute, the never-discreet band will ambush any Harvard students trickling down to Providence and stop them from creating a mess. In the final confrontation of this dispute, we’ll tamp down our ammo and drive them back to Cambridge, where they’ll be doomed to wander the Square as a pack of traveling minstrels. The band will march to victory to the tune of “Brown Man Born” as we stop the Crimson surge!

[Band forms Omega, plays “Brown Man Born” while gloriously battling the Crimson with a large stick of dynamite]

As the band gently removes itself from the field, we’re reminded of next week’s trip to exotic Kingston, RI, where the Bears will face the Rams and the band will surely Exeter, even though it hardly knows ‘er.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 20 vs. URI 13
Saturday, October 2 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that didn’t quite make it to Foxwoods, it’s the Brown University “Meet me at…the Wakefield Rotary Club?” BAND!

The band left its Providential bubble today to seek the cup of our governor, Rhode Island’s own Wizid of Ahs, Keepah of misplaced consonants. We’d like to take this opportunity to remind URI that though they currently have the cup, Brown still has the governor. We’re certain his Brown education will help him beat back such political abominations as the proposed West Warwick casino and Patrick Kennedy’s hair. The band will motion to keep eyesores and compulsive gamblers in Connecticut where they belong and play “Time Warp.”

[Band forms dollar sign, plays “Time Warp”]

As usual, Kingston has been a hotbed of controversy over the past few weeks. The University is suffering from a devastating parking shortage due to a drastic escalation in the number of students driving their tractors to campus. With any luck, the implementation of subsidized hayrides should alleviate this problem. Next time, the band will remember to just park our bus in Cranston and walk the rest of the way while we take in the Longview of the state.

[Band forms car, plays “Longview”]

In addition to the parking shortage, lack of funding is always a matter for concern. Despite attracting big-name acts, the immense Ryan Center is failing to pay for itself, as it turns out that Ludacris does not in fact have the cash flow to make your booty go *smack.* The band will fill Ryan’s center with sweet, chewy nougat while forming a B and playing “Brown Forevermore.”

[Band forms B, plays #3 without complaining about it this time]

Though the Bears will colonize the Bronx on Columbus day weekend, the Band will leave its cultural dominance and infectious diseases at home. We’ll return on the 16th to bring a pox upon Princeton.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 10 vs. Princeton 24
Saturday, October 16 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that doesn’t need any wood, it’s the Brown University “Flip-flopper? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

The recent presidential debates have caused the band to question just how we differ from the Princeton band. We’ve been considering a series of similar debates to let the world know exactly where we stand on such issues as Birkenstocks vs. boat shoes and American’s Polo Collars: Up or Down? The Band will argue its case and play “Championship.”

[Band forms ‘down’ arrow, plays Championship]

Though there likely will be much dissent between the two schools, we’re both sure to agree on one necessity: Kicking Dartmouth out of the Ivy League. Though this may elicit cries of “Don’t forget Penn!,” the Band will form a B for “Bring it on” and play “In the Fray.”

[Band forms B, plays “In the Fray”]


We recently read that Princeton has decided to do away with its residential Minority Affairs Advising program. Apparently, in the eyes of the tigers, this program just isn’t a survivor. The university will now be able to concentrate its funding elsewhere, such as sponsoring a needy foreign child for less than 2 dollars a day. Making Sally Struthers proud, the Band will shake its Djibouti and give up the funk.

[Band forms Djibouti, plays “Tear the Roof off the Sucker”]

Beginning next summer, Princeton will reopen the doors of its Woodrow Wilson School’s Junior Summer Institute to everyone, though the program was previously suspended out of fear of anti-affirmative action lawsuits. We’d like to commend Princeton on its efforts to diversify; we’re proud to finally see them considering the needs of its privileged white students. Watch now as the Band unpacks its invisible knapsack and play “Hey, ya finally did it!”

[Band forms backpack, plays “Hey Ya”]

But why stop there? The University has proposed several other ways to promote heterogeneity in its population, including:

A) Replace its mascot with the Zebra from Fruit Stripe Gum
B) Finally admit Carlton Banks
C) Create a satellite campus in Newark
D) Offer meal options compatible with the Southside diet
E) Replace Nassau Hall with an adobe hut
F) The Princeton Band

Forming its choice, the Band will play “Brown Cheering Song”

[Band forms B, plays #2]

After the game, the band will hop onto its Segway and cry “eeeeee” all the way home for next week’s Homecoming against Cornell.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 21 vs. Cornell 17
Saturday, october 23 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that prefers not to swallow what it’s chewing, it’s the Brown University “That’ll stay in your stomach for 7 years!” BAND

According to this year’s impeccably researched US News list, Brown has risen in esteem since last year, but Cornell came in dead last among the Ivy League schools. This confirms what Brown students have known for years: that Cornell sinks to the bottom because its students are much denser than the rest of us. Leading the exodus out of low standing, the band will part the red sea and play “NFL on Fox.”

[Band forms a C, then parts it, playing “NFL on Fox.”]

Though many have been loyal Big Red fans for years, the school’s recent decline in popularity correlates with a demand for a much less rigid stick to chew on. Four out of five Brown Band members agree: Precision and pretension go hand in hand. Since we forgot to brush up our forms, we will scramble to switch to Trident , form the instrument that keeps Cornell’s fancy hats up tight and play “Brown Forevermore.”

[Band forms a trident, plays #3]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Alumni, and mooching roommates, presenting an organization that knows it might be wrong, it’s the Brown University “Who’s your daddy?” BAND!

Band members had to do a little cleanup in preparation for the arrival of our parents. For instance, now that we have company, we have to remember to actually put our pants on as we leave, rather than just using them to block the draft under the door. We also have to remember to empty the recycle bin and clean off the hard drive before admitting exiled family members. Forming a Do Not Enter sign, the band will sock it to you, and ask that you Respect its privacy.

[Band forms sock, plays “Respect”]

This is the time of year when the extremely lifelike roommate should get stored under the bed and the real roommate emerges looking for handouts. Though some students might feel inconvenienced by their family’s demands on their time, there’s certainly always someone willing to take advantage of parental assets. We do appreciate the distance some relatives have traveled to see us, whether it’s from Milford, Connecticut or Milford, Nebraska. Forming a symbol of our affection, the band will continue to develop its Oedipus complex and get it goin’ on.

[Band forms heart, plays “Stacy’s Mom”]

After this weekend, it will be difficult to return to the frugal college student lifestyle. We’ve gotten used to the comforts of fine foods like magic bars made with real fairy dust and wine from an actual bottle. In fact, at this point in the show, the band would like to sponsor its own halftime contest: Whichever parent can throw his or her credit card closest to the sousaphone wins! Forming a B for the inevitable return to vegan brown rice pilaf the band will play Brown Man Born.

[Band forms B, plays “Brown Man Born”]

Next week this happy bunch of idiots –finally through with New York teams- will take its lucky midget to UPenn and schmear ourselves all over Philly.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 16 vs. U Penn 20
Saturday, October 30 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that put its Big 10 in the Happy Valley, it’s the Brown University “We’ve got your Beaver Stadium right here!” BAND!

The band is thrilled to be here in State College today, to finally take on a school that excels in both athletics and academics. Though we have no idea what a Nittany is, we hope to put in a more impressive performance than the Iowa Hawkeyes, who managed to drop the Lions’ record to 2 and 5. Commemorating last week’s game that had less drive than an ‘83 Buick, the band will play “25 or 6 to 4.”

[Band forms football, plays 25 or 6 to 4]

Apparently, PSU was originally started as a high school, but – Um, yes? Excuse me one second… I’m sorry, what? We’re where?...but our schedule says “Penn”…It didn’t used to be a high school?...oh…This is still Brown, right?...Well that’s a relief… Sorry about that. The band will form a B for “Go Buckeyes!” and be thankful that it’s still a Brown Man Born.

[Band forms B, plays Brown Man Born]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that’s still taking candy from strangers, it’s the Brown University “Twizzler? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

Though the band is still putting the final stitches in its Curt Schilling’s Tendon costume, we’re sure Philadelphia is well-prepared for Halloween. We’ve even heard that Penn’s new president, Amy Gutmann, is masquerading as Brown’s president, Ruth Simmons. While we’re in town, this New England organization thought it’d be nice to take advantage of All Hallow’s Eve by vandalizing Pete Rose’s house, but that might be a bit of a gamble. The band will now form its favorite method of demonstration and Beat It.

[Band forms egg, plays Beat It]

It’s great to be in Pennsylvania during election season since it’s such a swingin’ state. We’re concerned about the way it’s leaning, though. Fuel prices have been lowered since, with all that cheesesteak consumption, gas production is at an all-time high. We hope Philly will use its brotherly love to help the country switch partners while we form 3 more days and help it swing with “Hey Pachuco.”

[Band forms 3, plays Hey Pachucho]

We don’t want to let Halloween festivities stop us from seeing the tourist attractions, but we’re afraid that if we drop off our keys at Ben Franklin’s party, we may never see them again. While we’re here, we’ll also make sure that the Liberty Bell’s not the only thing going “bong!” in the night. When we go downtown, we’ll be sure to pay special attention to its strokes. Clearing out throats, the band will form a B for “Bagels on Ricola, Bagels on Halls” and play “Bring the Victory.”

[Band forms B, plays Bring the Victory]

Having been initiated into the Penn 15 club, the Band will make its way back to Providence to defend the homeland against Yale.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 24 vs. Yale 17
Saturday, November 6 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that didn’t know what to do so it just did a hoe-down, live from Providence, it’s the Brown University “Why don’t you blame it on the rain?” BAND!

We’ve got a great show for you today, folks, it’s really a pleasure to be here. The Yale Bulldogs are here [sparse clapping]. The Brown Bears are here [applause], the cheerleaders are here [wild cheering]. We’ve even got the Brown Band [applause]! Right now, they’re going to update the weekend by forming a football and playing “Brown Forevermore.”

[Band forms football, plays #4]

Next, the Band would like to perform a track off of its new album. It’s a medley of songs from Jewel, Joni Mitchell, Ashlee Simpson, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacres entitled “Pieces of Us.” Watch as we form a B for “Believe us: Never. Blame. It. On. The. Band.

[Band forms B while “#4 is played over PA. Band dances in place, covers its face in shame and runs off the field]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that’s no longer part of a reality-based community, it’s the Brown University “Blitzer? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

Unfortunately, we had to write today’s halftime show before any official election results could be released, but we know it will be a sad week for Yale University. No matter the outcome, a Yalie will have lost the presidential race for only the second time since 1876's hotly-contested race between Samuel Tilden (Yale class of 1837) and Rutherford B. Hayes (Uncle Wheatly's House of Beards, class of 1841). In any case, the band will turn our show – like the country – completely bass ackwards and play “Bring the Victory.”

[Band forms B, plays “Bring the Victory”]

No matter who wins the election, he will be given the daunting task of reuniting a divided country. Both parties’ plans for healing the nation can be summed up in two words: Slumber Party!!! The Kerry camp has planned a lively, if ironic, game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, which will immediately be followed by a Teresa Heinz-Kerry-conducted séance. However, things are expected to get a little awkward when John Edwards dons women’s clothing and insists that everyone address him as if he were British royalty. The band will now form a pair of house slippers and play “Johnny’s Queen Mumbo”

[Band forms flip-flop, plays “Johnny’s Mambo”]

We imagine the scene would be slightly different given a victory for George Bush. When everyone’s through teasing John Ashcroft about his footie pajamas, the twins will likely propose a round of Spin the Bottle, which sounds like a good idea until it becomes apparent that Dick Cheney kisses like an old sponge. Fed up with being asked to show off our bipartisan relations, we’ll turn into a Bolivian marching band and take a trip to the oval bathroom. Celebrating this election the only way the president knows how, the band will start the Final Countdown to ’08.

[Band disappears into black holes of optimism, plays “Final Countdown”]

Next week, the band will travel to Dartmouth, which is halfway between Canada and aaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 7 vs. Dartmouth 20
Saturday, November 13 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that interrupts this program, it’s the Brown University “Ennnhhh!” BAND!

Contrary to popular belief, some Dartmouth students have recently asserted that there are in fact no sheep in The Big Green, and vice versa. We believe, however, that they’ve just headed south and can probably be found in Daytona Beach participating in wet wool contests and shearing themselves for the camera. The band, with Snoop Dogg, will follow them there to judge the “Championship.”

[Band forms football, plays “Championship,” stops partway through]

[Dissonant chord pulse] This is a band. [chord] This stadium is conducting a test of the emergency band system. [chord] This is only a band. [chord] This is a test of the emergency band system. [chord] The broadcasters in the area, in compliance with Federal, State, and local authorities, have developed this system to keep you entertained in the event of an emergency. [chord] If this had been an actual PreGame show, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official hilarity, innuendo, and sheep jokes. [chord] This band serves the greater northeast area. [chord] This concludes the test of the emergency band system.

And now back to your regularly scheduled “Brown Cheering Song.”

[Band forms B, plays #2]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that’s presenting, it’s the Brown University “Baby got baaaaack!!!” BAND!

*Beep* *Kachunk* The Brown Band has prepared a special slide show on indigenous life forms in Hanover. Apparently, Dartmouth was originally founded for the education of the youth of Indian tribes, which roamed wild and free across Hanover’s plains, peacefully existing with a race of giant English-speaking, long-lashed, blue-eyeshadow wearing sheep. Occasionally, these creatures were even featured in the creases of Pueblo Magazine. However, this caused strife between them and local Navajos, and eventually, the latter group was relegated to patrolling Foxwoods for work. Watch now as the band forms a latex alternative and plays “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”

[Band forms sheep intestine, plays “Pretty Fly”]

Next slide, please! *Beep* *Kachunk* As Dartmouth students began to trickle into Hanover, the native people had to find ways to survive. For instance, they created entertainment able to be viewed by everyone and traveled the countryside performing as adobe acrobats. Unfortunately, both the tribes and giant sheep have been gradually picked off by birds of pray. This situation gave rise to the inspirational sound for Dartmouth’s motto, “A Voice Crying in the Wilderness,” and lead us to realize that they’ve got Mo’ hawk, mo’ problems. Watch as the band does its best to defend itself from the Woolly Bully.

[Band forms shotgun, plays “Woolly Bully”]

Next slide, please! *Beep* *Kachunk* This brief history now leads us up to the time of year when the remaining local ewes begin to have aspirations of asylum with human company to assuage the cold of the impending winter nights. An astounding number of Dartmouth students assemble assiduously to make these associations. There’s often an assortment of animals that need protection from winter’s asperity, and indeed, many students can be found astride multiple in order to assist. Always willing to lend a hand, members of the Big Green will soon be asking, “Ascertain? How can I choose?” Assuming nothing goes asunder, the Band will form B to assert that Both animals and humans will soon be able to stay warm with a roll In the Hay.

[Band forms B, plays In the Fray]

*Beep* *Kachunk* Leaving pieces of tongue on every flagpole in Hanover, the band will return home next week for the last game of the season against Columbia. [Band: “Where?”] Home.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]


Brown 33 vs. Columbia 21
Saturday, November 20 , 2004


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting and organization that’s more upper class than a frilly cravat, it’s the Brown University “Four more years! Four more years!” BAND!

[Band forms champagne flute, plays “Bits and Pieces”]

The spiritual leader of the trombones is Joe
Who’s enthusiastic wherever we go
His ambivalence towards clothes
Has provoked many “whoas”
When he leaves we’ll miss that special glow.

The baritone section’s a rock
Due to our favorite citizen of Bangkok
You can’t predict Por’s quantum state
That’s why I still don’t have a date
But tomorrow night I’ll show her my problem set.

Mike Romito, one of two conductor lame ducks
Alas we’ll hear no more “St. Louis Sucks”
Whether playing tuba or trombone
He will still to check his phone
For IM sports he likes footballs and hockey pucks.

Our old VP from Jersey has large ears
Pfeff’s sass has been a band staple for years.
Only once in a blue moon
Has he come to practice too soon
But he’s never made us cry our puppy tears.

That crazy dancing man’s from Michigan
And though, and though we may wish again
We may never see the moves
Of a section leader’s grooves
Schuyler’s dance shook up the crowd in Penn

Matt Sarasin is a speedy conductor
And for 3 years has been a leader
While he flails his arms and sings
We know what his accent brings:
I sawr a horrible orange coffeemilk idear cah.

Ed, our whistle-blower clarinet
Was moneygod for a year, and didn’t incur any debt
To start cheers you can thank he
When the ref drops his hanky
We all envy his financial security net.

Here’s to Liz Winograd-Cort
Our fave Wind Symphony import
When she leaves ADPhi
It’ll be a sad goodbye
But we hope to get more of her sort.

Alida puts the M in our alto-tenor sections
Her quiet presence has led the band in the right directions
When she visited down under
The whole band was torn asunder
But now she gives us all large dinners.

In Italy Lexie had quite a good time
Surrounded by men, pasta, and wine
From Chicago she has come
To make the first-years succumb
While calling out “Oh Lexie be mine!”

For WBRU he’s Adam Saks
And his voice makes up for what his height lacks
He should’ve gone in ’03
But we’ll be happy to see
Him inevitably in ‘06 come back

Caitlin’s our history source
Clarineting for her is par for the course
As a mom she prevented scars
As a pirate she ARR’s
Her intellect to be reckoned with is a force.

As prez, Tyler committed no sin
And with him as our captain we always win
He’ll fix computers without a sigh
And overall he’s a great guy
But we’re kind of creeped out by his twin.

Here’s to our vice president Leigh
Who’s reflected on what it is to be
The beer she decants
Comes straight from “My Pants”
After she cruises on her Segway yelling “EEEEEE!”

Former Prez Leah plays flute
She lost Mike P on the Penn route
Her rhythm’s circadian
She’s our token Canadian
We’ll be glum when the Gates she’s gone oot.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that invites you to stuff its body cavity, it’s the Brown University, “Baster? I hardly know ‘er!” BAND!

As midterms subside, the Band has begun to ponder what it must have actually been like at the first Thanksgiving dinner. We’re sure it started off on the right foot, as everyone feasted on wild turkey, Franzia, magic bars, and Easy Mac. However, things likely got awkward when Squanto showed up with William Bradford’s daughter, and everyone found out that Chief Massassoit was actually a vegan. If there’s one lesson to be learned here, though, it’s this: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll spread infectious disease throughout your people and trade you control of your homeland for a few shiny beads. Watch now as the band takes a Time Warp back to the old days, forms its favorite harvest beverage, and declares, “Wampum? I hardly know ‘em!”

[Band forms cider, plays “Time Warp”]

We’ve also been thinking about things we can share around the holiday table, and have come up with the following things for which we are thankful:

A) That Brown’s not in Harlem
B) That Brown’s not in Ithaca
C) That Brown’s not in Cambridge
D) That Brown’s not in Hanover
E) That Brown’s not in New Haven
F) The Princeton Band

No matter what your location, though, many agree that while stuffing is good in the box, other things are better in the can. Watch now as the Band maintains its cylindrical shape and plays “You Can Call Me gALatinous.”

[Band forms cylinder, plays “You Can Call Me Al”]

After a tryptofantastic meal, some families like to challenge each other to board games like Scrabble, which is why this year, we’re especially thankful that Brown has the highest consonant-to-vowel ratio in the Ivy League. And when it comes time for the annual inter-Ivy Scrabble tournament, though Harvard’s letters add up to the most points, they’re too proper for their own good and are ultimately useless. The band will now form a B for “Brown counts because it’s an adjective” while our seniors, wrapping up their last halftime show, wish that they could remain at Brown Forevermore.

[Band forms B, plays #3]

This concludes the final show of the season. As we say goodbye to the class of ’05 who are already developing a fine layer of crust, our scriptwriter would like to remind all those in attendance that she is Philosophy major with excellent writing and organizational skills, and is currently available for employment. Please report to the band’s seating area with any inquiries or offers.

[Band marches off field, plays #1]