Football v. Dartmouth, 11/15/03


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Presenting an organization with more crust than an empty Ronzio’s box, it’s the Brown University “What rhymes with penguin?” BAND!

[Band runs onto field, forms martini glass, plays '”Bits and pieces.”]

Andy lives in the house of Techs
And has a quite nice set of pecs
He is really quite buff
Like the “Oh Yeah!” guy Duff
He’s a guy chemicals don’t vex.

Melissa’s the one with the ears
Her fiancé is quite Cavalier
She has all that hair
That goes down to there
She plays picc, but nobody hears.

El Kupé used to be Mom
At playing sax she’s the bomb
She went down to Sydney
To damage her kidneys
Now supplies liquid fun with aplomb.

Mike K’s our fave sweater vest boy
His stick waving makes us say “Oy”
He has a sweet ride
The 8-Track’s bona fide
Chose philosophy – he’s unemployed.

Paul Frake is quite the pre-med
He consumes beer like it is bread
He beats it with sticks
BAC’s .36
As VP he gave us all…dinner.

Kristen, our old Pres from Maine
On clarinet and cymbals acclaimed
She bangs or she blows
We’ll be sad when she goes
“Buttercup” just won’t be the same.

Evan was our business chief
Who knows how to spice up our beef
He’ll hit that high C
When his home state secedes
His work at Help Desk brings relief.

Here’s to our old CorSec Susan
Who spent a year abroad boozin’
She booked Wonderland
But we still think she’s grand
The trumpets don’t know what they’re losin’.

Frances, our lovable Brit
We think trumpet is her best fit
She’s very soft spoken
She’s so hot she’s smokin’
She wants to build the next rocket.

Pete is the scribe of our scripts
He’s come up with a bevy of quips
He “Arrr” sails the CS
Admires Oedipus
Terry, we’ll miss you on trips.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting the organization formerly known as the Brown University “So THIS is what it sounds like when doves cry!” Band, it’s the Brown University... um... *bleargh*!

Today's time period highlights the greatest identity changes in human history: The "USSR" became "New South Wales," Prince became *bleargh*, and Dartmouth changed its mascot from Sheila the Sheep to the Big Green. Still, some Dartmouth students are longing to rally behind a tangible icon, and have proposed to replace the Green with "Keggy the Keg." May we also suggest:

A) IBie, the I-banker
B) Nort, the Nor'Easter
C) Sticky, the Frat House floor
D) Ducky, the annoying fellow from Pretty In Pink
E) Homogeny, the Student Population
F) The Princeton Band

The band will make its choice with the letter formerly known as *bleargh* and play "Sheep"

[Band forms a prince symbolish thing, plays "Smooth"]

Why change your identity, though, when you can just split it? You don't have to choose between business and party, when the former can be in the front, and the latter in the back. The band maintains that success is a 10/90 ratio. A Kentucky Waterfall, if you will. A Lincoln Top Hat. A Yep or Nope. Perhaps, a Missouri Compromise. The band will secure its hipster status by waving its mud flaps as it forms the glorious mullet and plays "Cut It."

[Band forms a mullet, plays "Beat It"]

Michael Jackson reminds us that crises of identity are never black or white issues, but they're nothing that can't be solved by a little bit of dancing. We'd like to conclude this season's historical retrospective with a nod to the greatest cultural achievement of the last 125 years: Dirty Dancing. The band will form Patrick Swayze's biceps to assert that nobody puts Brown Bear in the corner.

[Band forms a B, plays "Brown Bear"]

Next week we'll be at Columbia [Band: "Where?"] it's in New York, band ["Oh."] for the last game of the season. Weather will be cloudy, with an 85% chance of Jazz Hands.



Football v. Columbia, 11/22/03


Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni! Presenting an organization whose a-rival has been a-foretold, it's the Brown University "No, you are." BAND!!!

The great rivalries of our time: Cubs and White Sox. Don Zimmer and Pedro Martinez. Harvard and Yale. Everyone and Harvard. And now, Brown and Columbia. A Columbia student recently proposed that his school and ours, both without recognized rivals, come together and agree to, well, not come together. So, in true rivalry spirit, we'd like to start things off by saying... Columbia smells like Jersey. Ready to watch it be fought out on the field, the band will get out the football and play "Championship."

[band forms football, plays "Championship"]

Sorry to build you up and let your down, Columbia, but we don't think it will work out. Brown has too many rivals already: The Massachusetts Institute of Free Trade, SUNY Globalization, Colonialism Community College, Brandeis... We're spread thinner than a chickenhawk's army after a unilateral strike. So let's just be friends. As a token of our good will, the band will form a C on the field and play "You Still Smell Like Jersey," to the tune of Brown Cheering Song.

[band forms C, plays #2]


Ladies and gentlemen, Friends and alumni! Presenting an organization that's got your Magic Johnson right here, it's the Brown University "Globetrotter, I hardly know her!" BAND!!!

The Brown Band was on a train over to Columbia this morning when we dropped our cell phone down the toilet. Though we were smart enough not to retrieve it by hand, let's just say that there's a Sousaphone we can't ever use again. Still, it went better than the time we lost our keys on the band bus and we had to fish them out with a coat hanger. The band will form the object that saved our morning ride and play "Crazy Train."

[band forms coathanger, plays "Crazy Train"]

The band loves being in New York, however.

[sing Nokia ring song]

Hang on a second... "What???... I can't, I'm at the game.... Columbia! ... Columbia! ... No, Harlem. ... [read off score] ... No, you're thinking of the Massachusetts Institute of Free Trade. ... The Massachusetts, oh, forget it. ... What??? .... You're breaking up. ... Look, "text" me.... I don't know either, but it's big in Europe... Hang on, I'll call you back."

[band forms Cingular guy, plays "I Want You Back."]

Sorry about that. We were talking about how much we love New York.

[sing Nokia ring song]

"Hello? ... Oh, hi Mrs. C" Columbia, it's your mom. "Yeah, I can take a message. What? ... I can't say that. ... Mrs. C you shouldn't say that about. ... Mrs. C, I think you're trying to seduce me. ... Alright, alright. Thanks for the brownies, by the way. ... Okay, bye Mrs. C"

Hey Columbia, your mom called, and she said ... "you do not meet her expectations for performance or effectiveness." Getting its head back in the game, the Band will form a "B" and play "Bring the Victory."

[band forms B, plays "Bring the Victory"]

That's it for the football season, but be in Providence next semester for the World Famous Brown Skating Band!