Harvard:

[pregame] Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that has the
freedom to get an Sc.B. in puppies and flowers, it's the Brown University "We're putting the 'S'
back in S/NC" BAND!!!

The reputation of Harvard University, one of the finest educational institutions in Muskatine
county, Iowa, was besmirched last year by accusations of rampant grade inflation. In a controversial
move, Harvard responded by replacing beloved Assistant Provost Henry Winkler with the world's
foremost authority on corrective alphabetics, Texas Instruments' Speak and Spell. The Brown Band
salutes the heroes who, despite all odds, have struggled to bring down Harvard's overall GPA with
the theme to NFL on Fox.

[band forms football]

Harvard students, who characteristically never think about their college's reputation, are now
trying anything to keep their academic performance well beneath their professors' already low
expectations. Students have been seen vigorously quaffing brain-cell killing beverages such Charles
River Water Classic, Diet Charles River Water (same great bacteria, just one calorie), Vanilla
Charles River Water, and Pepsi Blue. The Brown Band, ever the clairvoyant, will predict Harvard
students' future grades to the tune of Brown Cheering Song.

[band forms omega]

[halftime] Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization whose sandals have
been sticking to the floors of the showers in Keeney, it's the Brown University "my drain is clogged
with WHAT???" BAND!!!

The Brown Band welcomes the class of 2006, and it is always a joy for us to see wide-eyed freshman
discover the marvels of college life — such as a cappella arch sings or Ratty breakfasts — that
we've long since stopped caring about. Why, they're so cute and innocent, whether packed together
in the lounges on Wriston or sleeping over with their unit at health services afterwards, that we
just want to boil them water and bake them brownies. Watch now as everyone is out to get the band
and we resolve to find the weasel who snagged our Doritos.

[band forms an eye for looking and plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit"]

One thing you can say about this year's freshman class is that they sure do love stairs. Why, all
day long they just go down like an alternative energy activist protesting elevators. Still, if they
spend all their time on the stairs and not at the Rock, their grades will go down like an alternator
dropped from the roof of a building, an event that, in history, will surely go down like an
altercation between a samurai and a convenience store clerk. Watch now as the band clears its throat
and stands up to play "Speak Up Mambo."

[band forms a smile and plays "Speak Up Mambo"]

A surprising trend has freshman forgoing traditional UFS employment for more esoteric means of
making money. From TAing grad seminars in engineering socioneurotics to selling fake IDs to the
Savage Patch kids, why, there's no end to their fiscal ingenuity. Image-conscious Thayer St. bikers
have even been hiring freshman as runners to buy the falafel wraps, Beck albums, and loose fit
hipster khakis that they're too afraid to purchase in person. The Brown Band, however, is hoping
that, with a B and a Brown song for our beloved alumni, we'll all see a secure future in
Providence's next political machine.

[band forms B, plays In The Fray]

Directly following today's game the Band will host a pole-removal clinic for Harvard students, and
next week we'll be at URI as the Bears fight the Rams for our Governor's favor.


URI:

[pregame]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that wants to elect Spike for
Governor, it's the Brown University "I accept your engorging hot-dog challenge" BAND!!!

The grim blade of term limits has descended on Rhode Island governor Lincoln Almond, finally ending
URI's vice-like grip on state politics. Almond says he looks forward to retirement, which he will
use to spend time with his family, polish his tusks, and eat Providence. The Band, divided between
its school loyalty for Republican Don Carcieri and its social conscience for Democrat Myrth "This
Time For Sure" York, will remember that we're not even registered to vote here anyway and play ...

[band forms a football]

But we rejoice because the favored candidate for the real capo de tuti capi of Rhode Island, the
Providence mayor, is Brown's own David Cicilline, a man personally diverse enough to appeal to
everyone except Providence's significant Inuit vote. If Cicilline is elected, we'll look forward to
city council meetings out on the green during sunny days, the de-armament of the Providence Police,
and drum circles, drum circles, drum circles. The Band welcomes this bright future with ...

[band forms B]


[halftime]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that's not afraid to construct
distractions on the side of major highways, it's the "Nibbles WHAT??? Away" Big Blue Bug Band!

Recent surveys of Rhode Island residents have shown that termites, even colossal cerulean ones,
simply aren't being perceived as terrifying pests anymore. Other vermin, like the silverfish, the
Egyptian mosquito, the syphilitic plague-ridden monkey, the rust-proof mongoose, Cranston, the ewok,
or the lesser-horned ram are instilling more fear than the common termite ever has. New England Pest
Control is going so far as to consider replacing its iconic mascot with a more despicable pest, a 9
foot tall Joe Mollicone.

[band forms stick figure]

As the self-appointed big blue keepers of the big blue faith, the Big Blue Bug Band has vowed to
raise awareness of the big blue danger posed by big blue bugs and ensure their position as the
premier big blue symbol of peskiness in this little blue state. Big blue bugs will blot out the
sun! Big blue bugs will destroy Rhode Island's maranara sauce reserves! Big blue bugs will close the
University Club until we get our way! The Big Blue Bug Band will now eat the forest for the wood and
play ...

[band forms tree]

Still, Brown students at heart, we're hoping for a resolution born of peaceful demonstrations,
colloquiums, and sparsely-attended community discussions. Because, in the end, isn't there a little
big blue bug in all of us? Actually, there will be, because today we're announcing a program of
implanting big blue bug larva in suitable hosts across the state, starting with the Governor's Cup
and moving on to his chin. Capping off its most alliterative show yet, the Big Blue Bug Band will
form a B and play ...

[band forms B]

Next week the Bears will battle more Rams at Fordham, but the band, self-important little creatures
that we are, will wisely stay home.


Princeton

[pregame] Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni! Presenting an organization that will live to see another
sunrise, it's the Brown University "Forrester? I hardly know her" BAND!!!

Not to be outdone by rival small state Rhode Island's alleged mayoral corruption, New Jersey has
cooked up a political scandal of its own as Democrats replaced ethically quirky Senate candidate
Robert Torricelli with aging hipster Frank Lautenberg. As Brown students, we stand in solidarity
with the state Supreme Court's decision that deadlines don't mean anything anyhow, and we're
overjoyed to see a Supreme Court that doesn't throw an election to an ignorant, unqualified smirk.
The Brown Band will now form an object leathery as Lautenberg's skin and play "NFL on Fox"

Republican challenger Doug Forrester, meanwhile, is faced with having to reprint thousands of signs
and leaflets bearing his "Doug Forrester is not Robert Torricelli" campaign slogan. Speculations
about his new slogan have been running wild: "Vote Forrester, Because Frank Lautenberg Is Just
Robert Torricelli In An Old Guy Mask," or "Doug Forrester: He Can Cut Medicare Because He Doesn't
Need It." The Band is confident that, if elected, Doug Forrester will be able to do for New Jersey
what the Boss did for Asbury Park. With a B for Bruuuuuuuce, the we'll play "Brown Cheering Song"


[halftime] Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and freakishly plaid little creatures, presenting an
organization that's waiting for its Nobel Prize in Puppies and Flowers, it's the Brown University
"Sweeden? I hardly... no wait that doesn't really work" BAND!!!

The Brown Band congratulates Princeton professor Daniel Kahneman for his recent Nobel Prize in
Economics. Kahneman's groundbreaking insight was that humans are not rational, calculating, or
self-interested in their economic dealings, but instead brutish, indiscriminate, and, on occasion,
ugly. His theories will go far in explaining public acceptance of such perverse economic spectacles
as instant-win lottery games, energy futures, and the privatization of social security. The band
will search out the prime motivator in economics and play "Karn Evil 9."

[band forms magnifying glass]

Having all taken Intro to Psych our freshman years (pass/fail, of course), the Brown Band is well
versed in the psychology that Kahneman was able to apply to economics, even if we spent most of the
time trying to flatten squirrels with our copies of Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. But we still
know all about the human behaviors Kahneman studied, such as the playing of sports without clothes,
the needing to know what students who applied to Princeton were also accepted by Seton Hall, and the
constant oppression of the underclass. Content to just imitate University buildings, the band will
give a nod to the best thing to come out of New Jersey since Brown, and play "Born To Run."

[band forms university hall, ie; some boxy building thing]

This great nation seems to be barreling into a recession, and Princeton students are being hit the
hardest of any. Besides eliminating all remaining left hand turns in the town, what else can
Princeton cut from its budget to maintain its already frugal standard of living? How about:

A) Kevin Mitnick

B) Eating clubs' weekly eating out sessions

C) Reparations

D) Subsidies for orange-colored restaurants specializing in chicken wings and tight clothing

E) Professors stolen from other Ivy League universities

F) The Princeton Band

Watch as the combined might of the Brown Band chooses an answer and plays "Brown Man Born"

We'll be back in Providence next week battling Cornell and wishing our dorm rooms came with mints on
the pillows.
 

Penn

[pregame]
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni! Presenting an organization that's cheap, crude, and comes
in drums, it's the Brown University "I learned from watching you, Dad!" BAND!!!

Today both teams are looking for their first Ivy victory, but the Brown Band is confident in the
Bears because our parents beat Cornell ten years ago, though we're unsure about what equipment the
chief Axis of Aggie has acquired since then. But given that a good offense is the best defense,
especially when it's dangerously maverick and thoroughly unprovoked, we think we're in a good
position to uphold the family name and achieve regime "Championship."

[band forms football and plays "Championship"]

Cornell, for its part, has been trying to avoid this game at all costs, going so far as to pull out
of Quatar, where it has been occupying a medical school, and releasing all its captive livestock
from their pens. But not even the recent revelation that Johnson and Wales University has secretly
developed its own football program will keep the Bears from taking the field. The Brown Band, which
always prefers forming B on the field to trading its life for fossil fuels on foreign soil, will
welcome today's relatively peaceful impending conflict with...

[band forms B and plays a Brown song]

[halftime]
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, moms, dads, and increasingly pressured younger siblings,
presenting an organization that's ready to teach its parents well, it's the Brown University "feed
you on my WHAT???" BAND!!!

It's Parents' Weekend again, when our parents take time off from following the Korn and Disturbed
tour around the country, stop renting out our old rooms to railway hobos who creepily resemble us,
and join us here on College Hill for a weekend of shared college experiences. Why, they haven't
been here 24 hours and already they've held a toga sock-hop, constructed Pong on the SciLi, and
bought the first three Belle and Sebastian albums. But why shouldn't they be comfortable here? The
way things are today a draft card is all that separates us from 1964 anyway. So, with that in mind,
the band, and its parents, will remember the long-haired glory days of past and present and play...

[band forms peace symbol]

Parents' Weekend is also a time to show our parents where their hard-earned tuition money has been
going. While in years past it's been used for everything from endowment-building at Newport Grand
Jai Alai to helping empty out dead Nigerian dictators' bank accounts, this year the corporation has
picked much more sensible goals: fuzzy dice in every shuttle, a Roman citizen on every green, and a
Nerf bow and arrow set for every BUP. The band is especially excited about the new monthly schedule
for flushing dirt and grime from campus facilities. Always happy to get the blood flowing, the band
will clean out the new Thomas Watson International Studies building to the tune of...

[band forms clean building]

Active little self-important creatures that we are, Brown students have been starting hundreds of
new organizations that are eager to put together informational programs for parents. Today look for
presentations by the Boston Celtics Society, The Samurai Anti-Defamation League, Brown ROTC, The
Brown Young Know-Nothings, Brown Yatzee, Club Field Tennis, and Okay, Maybe One Or Two Victims
Somewhere, Just As Long As It's One Of Those Former Soviet Union Countries Whose Name I Can't
Pronounce Anyway. But remembering that there's no replacement for the Brown Band, the Band will make
a B for itself and its parents and play...

[band forms B]

Next week the Brown Band, armed with bagels and a hankering for wholesome breakfasts, will take to
the streets of Philadelphia and demand lower cholesterol and those nifty wide-brimmed hats.