Written by a Cast of Thousands
Scribbled in chalk on padded walls by the toes of: Mike Palisano, Andrew Pfeffer, Joe Griffith, Leah Schweid, Caitlin DeAngelis, Adam Saks, Christine Lee, Hilary Gerstein, Mike Kerman, Kristen Mason, Ed Mahaney-Walter, Erwin Chan, Marian Thorpe, Adam Fenn, Susan Harrison, Erwin Chan, Beth Andersen, Melissa Chun, Evan Chan, An Le, Adila Kinney, Courtney Nalibof, and 1,978 separately disposable copies of Pete Hopkins.
This is their false story.
Brown (20) at Harvard (27)
September 22, 2001
This is the first trial of a virgin scriptwright. As you may notice, it runs a little long, and was cut both for length and for content (who knew people would be upset by Lawrence Summers references?). It exists here in its original form.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni! Presenting an organization that scores more often than the Red Sox... oh, wait, that's not really an accomplishment, it's the Brown University "NOMAAAA!!!" BAND!!!
Ah, Boston sports. Now that Fenway's finest have slipped to eleventy billion games out of first place, and neither the Patriots nor the Celtics look like they're up to anything this season, it's up to Harvard to give this city a winning sports team. In support of this goal, the Harvard band has increased the size of its bass drum by over 25%, though we believe that it's not the team's record that they're trying to compensate for. Watch now as the band displays its own sports equiptment and plays "Championship."
This pregame show has been brought to you by the letter R and the number 1. Why? Because we're pretty sure that Harvard needs a good supply of both, even though we don't expect any improvements anytime soon. Watch now as the band forms its own favorite letter and plays "In the Fray."
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni! Presenting an organization that can take all comers, it's the Brown University "our president can beat up your president" BAND!!!
Your attention please! Live from the Harvard Staduim in Cambridge, Massachusetts, it's the Ivy League presidents fight of the century! In the Brown corner, hailing from Grapeland Texas, the defending Time Magazine College President of the Year, Ruth "the Civilizer" Simmons! And, in the Crimson corner, from Lower Merion Pennsylvania, former Secretary of the Treasury, Lawrence "hey, who forged my signature?" Summers!
Yes, Summers, a man whose name is not even worth the paper it's printed on, is the clear not-favorite in this fight. Even though he is one of the few former Clinton staffers to leave that administration with an unstained reputation, the Brown Band happens to know that he got a failing grade on his last exam in Mr. Liberi's 12th grade AP calculus class. And now he's being entrusted with a University? He'll prove to be no contest for Simmons, known for both her tireless efforts to open institutions of higher education to disadvantaged students and her wicked left hook. Watch now as the band gives a preenactment of this epic, yet ultimately predictable, historical event.
[The band, half in red polos and half in brown blazers, forms two boxing gloves, one red and one brown. At the culmination of the song ("Iron Man"), the brown glove charges the red one, which scatters.] (In hindsight, this was a dumb idea --W)
No matter the outcome, Harvard is sure to use Lawrence Summers' ability to turn ordinary paper into cold hard cash with a flick of his pen to finance a hostile takeover of downtown Boston. Harvard plans to subjugate all other Boston colleges and eventually move all University buildings and dorms across the river. The Harvard Band will then turn the abandoned city of Cambridge into the only man-made bass drum visible from space. Watch now as the band envisions the wild throngs of John Harvard's teeming masses bringing the walls of Boston a-tumbling down.
[Enblazered bandies form a line across the field, while red bandies form teeming masses (amorphous blob!) nearby. Band plays "Joshua." At the end of the song, the red bandies charge through the line.]
But what of MIT students, who will surely not just lay down their slide rules and X-Files videocassettes in the face of arch-nemesis Harvard? The Brown Band predicts that they will actually escape the oncoming horde and secure themselves in MIT's secret underground shelters, referred to only by the code name "Big Dig." Because of the reproductive stress from the shelters' unbalanced gender ratio, the former MIT students will inevitably evolve into a race of highly intelligent but socially inept Mole People over the course of 1000 years. Emerging from "Big Dig," the Mole People will then execute their ultimate plan for revenge, which is to paint Harvard's Shrine of the Giant Bass Drum to look like R2D2. Watch now as the band, in an unprecidented non sequiter, forms a B on the football field and plays "Brown Cheering Song."
Join the Brown Band next week as the tiny state of Rhode Island is rocked by the battle for the Governor's Cup, and stay tuned for round two of the Harvard vs. Brown boxing grudge match when Harvard's Natalie Portman takes on Brown's Leelee Sobileski.
Brown (38) vs. URI (42)
September 29, 2001
Sadly, the only known use of the term "foot candle" in a band script context was cut by ceremony's harsh mohel. Be on the lookout for its appearance next season.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni! Presenting an organization that's too large to fit in the Governor's Cup, it's the Brown University "no I'm not going to drink out of that" BAND!!!
The Brown Band would like to welcome you to the first home game of the 2001 football season, the annual and epic struggle between Brown and URI that will decide who gets naming rights to the state for the next year. You may not know it, but while Brown Stadium was lovingly tended to by gnomes over the summer, the athletic department renovated Stevenson Field, which now has lights brighter than the class of 2005 and more foot-candles than even the Brown Band. Watch now as the band sacrifices a pig to bring our team the "Championship"
In addition to new lighting, the field sports a completely new surface and sub-surface, including such features as drainage pipes every 16 feet, trap doors into a bear pit to allow for gladiatorial combat, a 100-foot deep concrete barrier to keep out pesky burrowing nerds, and one smooth track. Watch now as the band forms a "B" for rooftop field and plays a song you all know and love, "'URI, no wait, Brown, no, I think it's URI, wait, on second thought we're pretty sure it's Brown' Man Born"
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni! Presenting an organization that was busy during the freshman sex talk, it's the Brown University "this is for covering WHAT?!?" BAND!!!
It's the beginning of the year, and Brown's halls have been teeming with fresh-faced Engineers and Pre-meds named either Sarah or Michael. The upper classman is warned, however, because, come noon or 6PM, these innocent creatures become savage and territorial pack animals in migration to the Ratty or V-Dub, where their diet consists primarily of vegan brown rice pilaf and other delicacies. Nevertheless, they remain the best and brightest class of ravenous wolf-people to ever enter Brown. Watch now as the band forms a meal fit for a freshman and plays a song by "Reel Baked Scrod."
[Band forms a fish and plays "Sell Out"]
Since coming to college, freshman are no doubt feeling the freedom and liberation of a full Brown education. From the top floors of our Sciences Library all the way down to your RC's door, the opportunities for learning are limitless. Just be sure to let your roommate know when you're studying in the dorm so he or she won't accidentally disturb you. After all, that's what friends are for, right? Watch now as the band lets everyone know what it's up to tonight and plays "I'll Be There For You."
[Band forms a do not disturb sign and plays "I'll Be There For You."]
Unfortunately, having received no sense of direction from "Points on the Compass," an entire flock of Perkins freshman got lost trying to find their way to SciLi's 13th floor and ended up in such quaint New England towns as: Woonsocket, Pawtucket, Ophakett, Seakonk, Worchester, Cocukett, Attleburough, and Detroit. Watch now as the band forms the Brownsignal to guide them back to Brunonia's soil and plays "Brown Forevermore."
Come back next week when the Bears take on Fordham's Rams at home and the Brown Band tries to incite a nationwide run on cricket wickets.
Brown (40) vs. Fordham (23)
October 6, 2001
Techhouse is the new band frat.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that' s been hoping for a renovation of 5th floor Keeney, it's the Brown University "Home Sweet Closet" BAND!!!
Pembrokers rejoice! It appears that over the summer our favorite ghetto dormitory, Morriss-Champlin, got extensively renovated. Besides the addition of three six-person suites, MoChampers can now look forward to comforts such as magic fingers beds in every room, mirrors on the ceiling, 31 flavors on the RCs' doors, shag carpeting, and a rooftop field for UK exchange students. Watch now as the band forms its favorite sports equipment other than the cricket wicket and plays the theme to Fox Sports.
The only explanation for such a drastic rags-to-riches change in MoChamp is that a Techhouse project gone awry has opened up a portal to a parallel universe. Other changes are on the horizon, including drum circle nights at Viva, Brown naming George Lincoln Rockwell as its next provost, and the resurrected head of Andrew Mellon becoming president of Sovereign Bank. Watch now as the band forms a "B" for bizzaro and plays Bring the Victory.
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that can serve itself but would prefer someone else to, it's the Brown University "I just ate WHAT?!?" BAND!!!
According to the latest Princeton Review of colleges, Fordham University's food is ranked third worst in the country. To help out, the Brown Band would like to offer a few culinary tips to our friends from the Bronx: replace the crab juice with coffee milk, stop using Denny's as your food service provider, get yourselves a truckfull of vegan brown rice pilaf, and avoid any mystery meats ground delivery from Seattle. Watch now as the band forms a knife and fork and plays "Smells Like Curt Cobain."
The real secret to Fordham's bad dining has been that all meals were actually made from animals pilfered from the Bronx zoo and deep fried beyond recognition, that is until a band of penguins were able to free themselves from the sinister clutches of Fordham's highly organized and efficient Sustenance Services, an elite staff of cafeteria workers, with the intent of escaping to Detroit. Their escape was made possible by daring feats of acrobatics and ingenious camoflage. Watch now as the Band forms a disguise no Fordham chef would touch him and plays "Secret Agent Penguin."
[band forms a chicken and plays "Secret Agent Man"]
Once free of their imprisonment, the penguins were able to wander the halls of Fordham without incident, because no Fordham student recognized them without the cafeteria's 11 secret herbs and spices. The penguins were mistaken for such things as:
- Pigmy panda people.
- Demonicly animated Oreos.
- Sister Rosemary O'Callahan.
- Caffenated peppermints.
- Great Auks.
- The Princeton Band.
Watch now as the band mistakes them for it's own mascot and plays "Brown Bear."
Join the society of Bruno next week as we host Princeton's kittens and debate the merits of a joint MCM-Philosophy degree.
Brown vs. Princeton
October 13, 2001
Halftime for this show was never written as we knew ahead of time that it would be claimed my Manos.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Philosophers and Hegemonists, presenting an organization that can mix anything without using its hands, it's the Brown University "you stirred this with WHAT?!?" BAND!!!
As if to allay fears that the wrong New Jersey university was let into the Ivy League lo those many years ago, Princeton has come out on top of US News & World Report's most recent college rankings. Downplaying academics, quality of life, and band uniforms, the rankings committee decided to instead emphasize top shelf beverages, high albedo, and plaid blazers. Watch now as the band salutes the supposed #1 college and #6 fast food franchise and, with soloist Richard Price, tears Princeton a new "Echano."
[Band forms a white castle and plays "Echano"]
Still, we must take pity on poor Princeton. As eager as they are to secede from their surroundings, they will be stuck forever as a shining beacon of Gothic architecture amidst a sea of industry and pollution. Personally, the Brown Band loves New Jersey, but we don't have to worry about manservants tracking in grime from Hoboken. Watch now as the band, featuring TV's Richard Price, offers its help in deodorizing Princeton and sets all indentured servants free to mambo.
[Band forms a stick of deodorant and plays "Johnny's Mambo."]
Of course, the Brown Band has a lot more to celebrate this weekend than not going to college in New Jersey. With all the excitement surrounding the inauguration, and the legions of Alumni back for the ceremony, Brown hopes to increase its endowment from the current 15 Chuck-E-Cheese tokens to at least 20 or thirty, perhaps with some Putt-Putt tokens thrown in for good measure. Watch now as the band welcomes Brown Alumni and their Ski-ball skills with Brown's own ...
Brown at Cornell
October 20, 2001
Pregame for this script was the only flat-out rejection we got this season. The replacement was haphazard and dull, so here's the original: (Larry Flint did speak at Cornell, btw.)
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that comes in a discrete brown wrapper, it's the Brown University "we read it for the articles" BAND!!!
Yes, it seems that Cornell is having a little bit of trouble with its football team. They're not scoring. Their offense is limp, without energy. They can't complete a pass, find openings, or convert inches into a winning drive. All it all, it doesn't look like the team will be playing on top this season. Watch now as the band flaunts its abilities on the field and plays one of the many things Cornell won't be seeing this season, a "Championship."
Aware of these problems, Cornell brought in outside assistance in the form of noted magazine publisher Larry Flint. While they thought that he would be able to give an inspirational speech and show diagrams to help the team maximize its potential, the team became demoralized when they realized that they would never be able to measure up to expectations. They'll have to settle for the big 0 being solely in front of their record. Watch now as the band shows that it's comfortable with any letter, as long as it's big, and gets "In the Fray."
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that never needs to be airbrushed, it's the Brown University "you want to digitally enhance my what?" BAND!!!
In order to address the pressing need for virility at Cornell, the engineering department has put is current project -- breeding bellhop monkey people -- on hold to create a robotic companion for unsatisfied Aggies. With only a illustrated Indian primer and an erector set, they created an automated masterpiece: Nothing tops "Mr. Roboto"'s copper top. He's fully user-serviceable, only requires a squirt of WD40 for lubrication, and comes with a lifetime subscription of Norton anti-virus updates, just in case. Watch now as the band salutes this metallic hero and forms the box the robot came in.
[Band makes a box, plays "Mr. Roboto"]
Once you're through with Mr. Roboto, make sure you take proper care of him. Wipe him down with a soft cloth, and never give him anything in order to have his advice. If you're not careful, and like most Cornell students like to download many potentially illegal files from several anonymous sources, Mr. Roboto may enter safe mode, which we all know is never any fun. Most importantly, always wait at least five minutes for him to cool down before you turn him on again. Watch now as the band forms a rocket to take the secret of Mr. Roboto back to Providence and plays Starblazers.
[Band forms a rocket and plays "Starblazers"]
Of course, as Brown students, we're always willing to share in the experience, though we're naturally suspicious of anything that cannot meditate or survive on vegan brown rice pilaf. Still, the benefits of Mr. Roboto's technology cannot be ignored, especially with the additional protection of a campus-wide firewall. Soon RCs will have nothing to put on their door. Watch now as the band, cashing in its 6 million Chuck-E-Cheese tokens, becomes better, stronger, and more patient and plays "Brown Man Reborn."
[B, BMB]
Be there next week when the Bears defend their families' honor against Penn's Quakers, and the band takes a look at its origins and sees why it turned out this way.
Brown vs. Penn
October 27, 2001
This script was for parents' weekend. Thanks go out to all the Bible resources on the web, and King "Elvis" James for his version of said Book.
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, parents and guardians, presenting an organization that wasn't a mistake, it was a surprise, it's the Brown University "I learned from watching you, Dad!" BAND!!!
The band would like to welcome all of its parents here for Parent's Weekend. We're sorry we haven't called, we've just been too busy working on the top floors of the Sciences Library, or studying for our oral exam on vowels for linguistics. Watch now as the band really spends its time watching "Dark Angel" and "Temptation Island" and plays "NFL on Fox."
From Sophocles to Freud, a Brown education is full of knowledge and ideas that we're sure you'd love to hear about. Of course, all those times you made us watch the Discovery Channel and the primal scene will definitely come in handy during finals. Watch now as the band forms the grades it's getting this semester and plays "Brown Cheering Song."
[Band forms an "S", plays #2]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, priests, rabbis, and druids, presenting an organization that's ready for its closeup, Mr. DeMille, it's the Brown University "you want me to honor my WHAT?!?" BAND!!!
[Band runs on to the field]
Band, why is this football game different from all other football games?
[Band stops, looks around]
Your parents are here, band, so tuck in your shirt, sit up straight, and just this once, keep it clean.
[Parents run on to the field]
And lo, there passed upon the football field a host of parents. It was proclaimed by the band, let us enact an epic tale, for there is much we know in the Biblical sense. We shall compass Penn tower seven times. The walls shall fall flat and only the harlots will be saved alive. (Joshua, ch. 6)
[Parents are the walls. Some contingent of bandies circles the walls. At the end of the song, the parents fall down.]
For it was that the children of the parents of the band toiled in bondage and the pharoh would not let the band go. Plagues of scrod, Horowitz, locust people, and bikers were visted upon pharoh's land, but pharoh hardened his heart, neither would he let the band go. Witness as the children of the parents of the band shall go on dry ground through the midst of the sea, and ask why did thee build us up, pharoh? (Exodus, ch. 5-14)
[Parents are the red sea. Something about parting and moving, etc.]
The band would like to thank its parents for participating in this show and for convincing us to stay away from safety schools. Watch now as the band doesn't forget the animists among us and plays "Brown Bear."
[band plays Brown Bear]
Next week, in New Haven.
Brown at Yale
November 3, 2001
This script shows that Communism isn't as funny as it used to be. The stuff about the Yale newspaper is true. I've never seen an op-ed about handjobs before.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, flies and vermin, presenting an organization that doesn't feel like taking out the garbage either, it's the Brown University "man, and I thought EmWool was a dump" BAND!!!
Ah, New Haven. The sights, the sounds, the smells: each one more vile and repulsive than the last. And the band thought that Jersey was bad. Where we're from, the water is only flammable because we put wood in it, and sky scrapers are continuous, too. Watch now as the band gives a dejected sigh and plays "Championship."
Then again, New Haven will be running a 4 million dollar budget surplus this year. All that not paying for sanitation services must have finally payed off, or maybe they've just been able to recover some money from their frozen Detroit-Swiss bank accounts. That four million will go a long way to subsidizing New Haven's razor blade and sugar industries, which haven't been the same since the class of '68 graduated. Wait a minute... New Haven never had a *sugar* industry... Watch now as the band draws lines of its own on the field and plays "In the Fray."
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting a organization whose halloween costume was a single glove, it's the Brown University "I'm supposed to grab my WHAT?!?" BAND!!!
What has become of Yale? A recent issue of the Yale Daily News had not one, but two articles about flagrant nudity on campus, another on a practice we can't mention because this is a family show, and it also reported that two Yale students were arrested in a Hartford anti-war demonstration! Next thing you know, Yale will eliminate distribution requirements and institute a pass/fail grade option. Sorry Eli, but you can't teach a 300-year old dog new tricks. Watch now as the band still remembers what it did in high school and plays "Beat It."
[Band forms a microphone and plays Michael Jackson's "Beat It."]
Comrades! Do not abandon the repressed squid-people of the Yale so-called Precision so-called Marching so-called Band! Long they have toiled without even a musical voice to speak. Long have they been forced to worship the false god Ashtar. Awaken squid-people! You have nothing to lose but your paints, and the whole so-called precision so-called marching so-called band to gain! Rejoice as the Brown band stands in solidarity with your struggle and plays "Karl, We Want You Back!"
[Band forms a hammer and plays Michael Jackson's "I Want You Back."]
Of course, when Halloween comes around, all Yalies, from the bourgeios-a to the bourgeoisie, can come together, finally agree to wear something at parties, and take part in the activities of the season. Trick-or-treating at Yale is always rewarding, as students have been known to give out bags of rock candy, 2000 model Mercedes, or advance copies of the World Bank's plans for the rest of us. Be careful though, because every once in a while you'll get something you don't want, like Raisinettes or a boxwood. Watch now as the band forms a B for boo and plays "Bring the Victory."
[The thing that was just said comes to pass.]
Next week the band thankfully returns to Providence to watch the Bears pull the wool over the eyes of Dartmouth for our last home game of the season.
[Band flushes the Yale Bowl]
Brown vs. Dartmouth
November 10, 2001
*Sniff* Last home game of the season means poems for the seniors. These are in haiku, which is a beautiful art form so long as it isn't being broadcast over a PA system.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that doesn't listen to its elders, it's the Brown University "You're not the boss of me!" BAND!!!
The Brown Band is here this afternoon to celebrate its seniors, who, after they graduate, will never ever, not under any circumstances return to band after they graduate. They all disappear and we never see them again. In an effort to keep our seniors just a bit longer, the Brown Band will form every Senior's dream and play its siren song, "You Can Call Me Al"
[Band forms a 5th year on the field and plays "Al"]
Jonah, Mark, and James
Carolyn, thanks for staying
Get on with your lives
There are no words that
can do justice to seniors
but we will still try
[Band forms some beverage cup... perhaps a beer stein?]
Jaime with mouse ears
Wiggy wiggy wiggy cheer
You'll always be mom
You left for Sweden
Mayor Cianci missed you
Zylgian dancing queen
Way to go there Kim!
Mikeljohns can show you how
Math and Classics blend
From Evanston came
Orchestra tried to claim you
You are one of us
Greg, which one ate you?
The Sun Lab, or A D Phi
Golden tresses flow
Clarinet player
You date Christina K
Wild clarinetcest
Aili drew us nude
We love you crimson hussie
You went down in flames
Band board voting block
The Band closet is not chaste
Monkey's rear no more
Conductor Alice
Why are you so drunk today?
The Jell-o is gone
Leaves fall from the tree
Changing colors like your hair
Put that tounge back in
Christine is our mom
She loves to make us brownies
Pass the Chee-tos please
Oppressed by the white
hegemonic paradigm
I'm so offended
Erwie... just kidding
Our flutes want to bear your child
Second stall to left
Meal plan and Keeney
Who needs a job, please stay here
We won't let you leave
Courtney where are you?
We are sad when you're not here
You don't call or write
Bonsai trumpetess
How is the weather down there?
Horn blows all away
The soul of the band
Won't be the same without you
See you all next year
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that's still looking for the real criminal, it's the Brown University "You want to handcuff me to WHAT???" BAND!!!
Stay strong, Brown Bear! Our mascot was escorted from the Yale Bowl under heavy security and wrongly given solitary confinement in New Haven's stupid building. He has now joined the ranks of other noble visionaries unjustly incarcerated for crimes they didn't commit, such as Mohatma Ghandi, Henry David Thoreau, and OJ Simpson. The Band will now salute our university's hero with a symbol of freedom and play "I Want Bruno."
[band forms "S/NC", plays "I Want Candy"]
The story of the Brown Bear is not over here, however. Bruno staged a daring escape from that purgatory that was worthy of MacGuiver himself. The details have been classified by Brown's athletic department, but it involved daring acrobatics, zen concentration, Bruno's woodland pals, six raincoats, a three-hundred pound weight, a balance, two tubes of tartar-control toothpaste, the airbag from Ralph Nader's car, a tube of regular toothpaste, Danny DeVito's hairpiece, the novelization of "The Emperor's New Groove," 13th floor SciLi, a year's supply of Tang, and the key to his cell. Watch now as the Band films it all for Mission Impossible: 3 and plays "Tom Cruise is not nearly as Smooth as Bruno"
[band forms a film reel or something to that effect and plays "Smooth"]
But that's all last week's news. Turning to the hot news this week, the village of Hanover has installed its first ever stoplight. In related news, Hanover is anxiously awaiting the arrival of its first ever sheepless carriage. The future keeps looking brighter and brighter for the people, sheep, and sheep-people of our tiny northern neighbor.
[band forms a B and plays "#3"]
No sheep were harmed in the performance of this halftime show. Visit New York next week as the Bears take on SUNY Harlem and the band stays up all night fighting Columbia bandies in the park.
Brown at Columbia
November 17, 2001
I don't remember writing this script.
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that doesn't know anyone from New Jersey, it's the Brown University "but I thought I had my flu shot" BAND!!!
Well, it's the last game of the season, and time for reflection on how Brown Football has done this year. We've racked up more victories than defeats, which makes us happy, but we'll never forget out most important accomplishment: we *won* game number seven. Watch now as the band pulls out the pigskin one last time and plays "So Much for the Championship."
There's one thing that never changes here in Harlem. Whether it's Columbia students stressed from their required classes, secret service agents guarding Bill Clinton and Al Gore, or crazy street-people, everyone is walking around talking to someone who's not there. It's as if the entire campus has a James Stewert complex, just with a more annoying voice. Watch now as the band salutes its own animal pal and plays "Brown Bear."
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, brutish Columbia scriptwriters, presenting an organization that admits that eugenics has its perks, it's the Brown University "you want me to conceive WHAT???" BAND!!!
While it may be old news to New Yorkers, the Brown Band was quite disappointed when we heard that we wouldn't be able to see the show "Cats" after today's game. It seems that Broadway's bizarre human-feline genetic experiments have finally reached their conclusion, and the former stars, now inhuman cat-people monsters, are primed to invade and acquire the full extent of Columbia's base. In celebration of their resultant draconian fiefdom will be one hundred days of joy and merriment, the likes of which Columbia students have never seen. Planned festivities include gladiatorial combat against the Columbia band, readings from the Federalist papers, pass/fail classes, and a heavy metal concert. Main screen turn on to see the band erect a Big Top over Columbia's entire gated community and play "Karn Evil 9."
[band forms tent, plays ELP]
Of course, there's more to Columbia than what's inside the gates: there's the whole vibrant community of Harlem just beyond the barbed wire, full of wonders and curiosities unmatched by even TS Eliot's opiotic ramblings.
Highlights include:
- Snow, all year 'round
- Pieces of James Coburn's car
- Communism
- The cast of Charles in Charge
- Hassocks and kneelers
- The Princeton band
Watch now as the band forms what it wants to find and plays Brown Bear.
It's been a great football season, thanks for paying attention, and join the band back in Providence next semester for the trials and tribulation of hockey season.