Brown 36 vs. San Diego 20
Saturday, September 16, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni - presenting the only campus organization with more spunk than the International Socialist Organization, it's the Brown - University - BAND!
[Band runs onto field]
Exciting news, band! Today, our football team will be playing against USD. Do you know where that is, Band? That's right, California. And do you know what California has that we don't? California girls. Maybe that's why Men's Health considers us so anti-male. Watch now as the band forms the football of love and expresses its desire for the women of the west coast.
[Band plays "Everyone Needs Somebody To Love"]
So, band, where is California? (dramatic pause) Um, I don't know either. OK, so the band may not know as much about geography as, say, a USD student. But at least we don't have to go to school in sunny Southern California. We get cold, rainy, humid, sweltering, miserable, divine Providence 10 months out of the year. Bet that makes you jealous, huh? Watch now as the band forms a B for bad weather and plays "bring the geography."
[Band does this]
Thank you all for being here for USD's last appearance here before California breaks off and sinks into the ocean. Join us in honoring the continental 48 -- soon to be 47 -- states (and Alaska and Hawaii, too.) Please rise for the National Anthem.
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, dudes and dudettes, friends and alumni, freshmen and other low-growing shrubbery, presenting the one, the only, the envied-and-reviled the world over, Brown University Band!
[Band takes field (Q) and extends it by adjoining the square root of 2]
Ki yi yi productions, in conjunction with Irving Harris, presents the story that shocked nations and inspired millions. A young time traveller named Elrod, portrayed by Keanu Reeves, stumbles upon a plot to undermine his beloved University and their valiant football team. Listen now to the exciting theme music.
[Band plays "Give up the Funk" and forms a copyright insignia]
Your heart will thrill as Elrod strives to change the minds of the Evil Organization that threatens the integrity of the Brown Team. You will see Action! Adventure! Romance! Dumb jokes! Swing dancing! People crashing through plate glass windows! Watch now as the band demonstrates the last two and plays "Opus One."
[Band (minus flutes) forms a square. The flutes form a small amorphous blob outside of the box. At some point the flutes crash through the box. The box disperses.]
Elrod's journey through time and space takes him to such exotic destinations as the bathhouses of Ancient Rome! The ruins of Montezuma! And the thirteenth floor of the Sci Li. OH BABY. He begins his journey in San Diego, where you'll witness the exciting chase through the Jenny Craig pavilion as our hero is pursued by stunning California girls wielding Slim Fast! Watch now as the band forms a can of lethal meal supplement and plays No Way, Broad.
[Band ... uh ... does it]
You won't want to miss the acting talents of Leelee Sobieski, Sean Connery, and Oprah in a movie that flies in the face of everything you know about gender, race, social impact, the grease left on your hands from tater tots, and the Brown football team. This movie is brought to you by the numbers 6, 9, and the letter B. Watch now as the band salutes our sponsor, and plays some more exciting music from the movie.
[Band plays B, forms 2. Um wait ...]
Join us next week for the first installment of "Elrod's nifty quest (through space and time)." Watch for the soundtrack, featuring such greats as Lisa Loeb, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and of course, the BAND!
[Band marches off to number 1]
Brown 37 vs. Harvard 42
Saturday, September 23, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, Bostonians and bad drivers - wait, they're the same thing - presenting the organization that you love to hate and hate to love. It's the one, the only, the home for the first time all over again - BAND!
[Band runneth onto the field]
Welcome back alumni for that great event we call homecoming. The highlight of this for many is watching the Brown team take on the Harvard team. Brains being better than brawn, of course, we usually win.
[Band plays "Championship"]
Recently, Harvard and Brown have instituted a dual early action program that enables students to apply to Brown AND Harvard early. Supposedly, this will allow students more freedom, and less worries in the application process. However, it is the band's opinion that Harvard just wants our applicant pool. Watch now as the band forms the letter of the only Ivy League school that matters and plays Brown and only Brown Forevermore.
[Band does exactly that]
Halftime:
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting this fall's biggest sensation, it's the Brown University - why, yes, we do have size 17 feet - BAND!
[Band runs across the field in its oversized sneakers]
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Evil Empire (TM) controls most of space. A small band of freedom fighters are surrounded on all sides by the forces of Crimson and Navy Blue. They are the galaxy's last hope against the tyranny of unoriginal thought and complacency. What are their chances? Stay tuned to find out. Watch now as they calculate their probability of success and play 25 for, 6-to-9 against.
[Band forms 0, or 1, (or maybe 1/2, etc.), and plays "25 or 6 to 9"]
Desparate, our heroes concoct a daring plan to lure the Empire to Brown, where they will destroy the forces of darkness entirely. As they lay their trap, one of the warriors is caught off guard by a suprise attack and is captured. Ever defiant, the student bravely holds out against all forms of torture - being forced to listen to tapes of old Al Gore speeches, wear crimson, and hear whiny Harvard students complain all day. Will he break? Stay tuned to find out!
[Band forms question mark, plays "Think"]
Eventually, however, our brave student can take no more. Defeated, he tells all, under the condition that the Harvard students (I'm not sure what goes here). The crimson forces, aware of the trap, attack, hoping for a decisive victory. Watch now as the battle starts, and our boys get "In the Fray".
[Band forms B, plays "In the Fray"]
Will Brown prevail? Will wholesome goodness be restored to the galaxy? Will the Harvard Band get rid of that ridiculous bass drum? Tune in next week to find out - same time, same channel, as the bears take on URI and the Band's epic saga continues.
[Band plays #1 and marches off]
Brown 28 at Princeton 55
Saturday, October 14, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that seems to always visit Princeton right after President Clinton, it's the Brown University - why, yes, Mr. President - Band!
[Band perambulates about the field]
The timing of Clinton's visit might suggest that he is under consideration for the post that President Shapiro will be giving up. Of course, Clinton was discarded early on as a candidate for the Brown Presidency. Some of the reasons: we already have waffles every morning in the dining halls, the women of Brown just weren't interested in his internship opportunities, and we're running out of jokes about him.
[Band plays "Championship"]
But a Clinton presidency wouldn't be all bad. He would no doubt bring many improvements to the Princton campus: a resurgence in pole dancing - I mean, wrestling; he could give saxophone lessons to the Princeton band; and 6 to 10 more years of guaranteed bad jokes from the Brown Band. Watch now as the band ponders a second Clinton Presidency, and plays [some Brown song].
[Band does this]
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting the only organization on the Princeton campus capable of chewing its own food, it's the Brown University - I tawt i taw a puddy tat - Band!
[Band runs on, does its thing]
When we left you 3 weeks ago, the rumpled and dejected band was huddling for survival, while their fearless leader Elrod Snidley was off in California being chased by a mob of fast blond women with big cans of slim-fast. Watch now as Elrod and fellow wronged genius Wen Ho Lee leave the sunnier climes of the west coast to go undercover at Princeton and save the band.
[Band forms sunglasses, plays "Secret Asian Man"]
Arriving at Princeton, Elrod demanded, "take me to your leader." Unfortunately, President Shapiro was not available, as he was meeting with the other Ivy League presidents to vote E Gordon Gee off the "college edition" of Survivor. Unfortunately, after also voting off Neil L. Rudenstine of Harvard, he found himself next to be kicked out of the ivory tower and onto the ivory beaches of some south pacific island. Watch now as the band sends them off to tropical paradise, and plays "Jungle Boogie."
[Band forms palm tree, plays "Jungle Boogie"]
Left without other options, Elrod met with Janina Montero and persuaded her to join the tide of adminstrators leaving Princeton like rats from a sinking ship. Arriving in Providence, Janina threatened the other Ivy League bands: "My name is Janina Montero; You voted my president onto the island; Prepare to die." Will she be able to hold off the uncouth hordes of Cornell, Columbia, and Dartmouth students? And what about the dim-witted aspiring presidents of Harvard and Yale? Tune in next week to find out!
[Band forms a B and plays a Brown Song - you know the drill]
Join us next week in Provindence, when the Bears take on the Big Red [Band shouts "Big red What?"] of Cornell, and the the Band faces off against people who are willing to waste a credit to dress up in silly uniforms and pretend to be in a chewing gum commercial.
[Band marches off Daddy's field to #1]
Brown 56 vs. Cornell 40
Saturday, October 21, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, moms, pops, and crazy uncle gonzo who lives locked up in the attic; presenting a disorganization that really loves your mom, it's the Brown University - "our Freudian slip is showing" - BAND!
[Band toddles onto field, forms a crest]
We'd like to welcome the parents of our student body to today's game, especially parents of our freshmen. Congratulations on finding the stadium! You may notice changes in your freshmen. After all, they're living away from you for the first time. Without you to remind them, they may have forgotten to do simple, everday tasks like washing their clothes or brushing their teeth. Watch now as the band reminds the class of 2004 about personal hygiene by forming a crest.
[Band forms a crest and plays "Final Countdown." During the song, the flutes and clarinets leave the formation in protest, chanting "NO WAY, WE WONT PLAY, THEY CAN'T HEAR US ANYWAY!"]
You probably haven't heard from your child in a while. They might call you more often if you sent them money. Of course, you could just call them if they weren't out partying all night. Watch now as the band sets a good example by (1) being awake before 4 p.m. on a Saturday and (2) calling home to check in.
[Band plays a Brown song]
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, Erwin and Evan's mom and Judith Ann, presenting an organization that wishes Courtney's mom had come (for the game), it's the Brown University "Ma, I'm running out of tube socks"
[Band makes their parents proud by taking the field]
Midterm season is here, so lots of students may seem a bit stressed out. Fortunately, Brown's committment to liberal learning provides classes to help them relax, such as International Relations 13 - picking up Euro chicks at Viva; Environmental Science 42 - group showers: seminar in advanced water conservation; comp lit 57 - the complete works of the Marquis DeSade; and engin 6 section 9 - advanced massage techniques for electrical engineers. Watch now as the band forms a massage implement and plays "It's Electric!"
For those of you who have been following the season we present the next chapter of Elrod Snidley's wacky hijinks. Last week, Elrod, the plucky band mascot, and Janina Montero, portrayed by Liz Hurley, left Princeton to rescue the Brown Band from their archnemesis, the Cornell Band. They did such a good job that the Cornell Band is in a heap at the bottom of the gorge trying out a new formation - the double rotating ah splat. Our heroes found the Brown Band lying on the floor complaining of splitting headaches and rubbing their bloodshot eyes. When asked what they'd been doing they claimed that they'd gotten sick from studying too hard. Of course we know that what they told their parents was a Saturday night fever was actually a Sunday morning hangover. Watch now as the band rolls its blood shot eye.
[Band forms an I and plays "Saturday Night Fever." Eye mean I. Yeah.]
Speaking of bloodshot eyes, I just flew in from Thebes and boy do my sockets hurt, but I still love you Mommy! After all, you do my laundry. But now that the freshmen are on their own they've had to learn how to do things for themselves, like cooking, walking, and chewing their own food. Freshman guys have turned the spin cycle into a sporting event. Watch now as the band helps the class of 2004 become bench pressed and wrinkle free and plays "iron, man!"
[Band forms an iron and plays "Iron Chan"]
Bet you wonder what your kids are listening to now that it's no longer your lectures. The Brown Band will happily clue you in.
Watch now as we form and play the correct answer. Tune in next week as the band goes to Philadelphia, the phattest city in the nation, and that's phat with a P, to take on the quakers.
Brown 38 vs. U Penn 41
Saturday, October 28, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that doesn't come from the most overweight city in the union, it's the Brown University "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned," Band!
[Band oooooozes onto the field]
While the residents of Philadelphia have been eagerly stuffing their faces with hoagies, cheese steaks, and pretzel batter - for credit - we've been sucking down the lower-fat pleasures of the city, like water ice; only 20 calories! Watch now as the band forms the only part of a pig that a Philadelphian won't eat and plays "gonna fry now."
In recent years, we've tried to explain to Penn students that killing brain cells is not the best way to lose weight. With any luck, our football team will show them another way today and give them a run for their money. Watch now as the band forms its favorite letter and plays [a brown song]
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that saw your mom this morning and thought she was early for halloween, it's the Brown University - we roll more than oats - Band!
[Band takes the field trying not to fall on the Astro turf]
Hello and welcome to another installment of "Elrod Snidley Presents." In this week's episode, Elrod awakes to a world where everything is turned upside down and nothing is as it seems - but then he realizes that he's just in Philadelphia.
[Band forms Hitchcock's profile and plays "Psycho." In the meantime, Evan stabs a showering Kristen with his clarinet]
Elrod awakes in a blinding terror that quickly turns into a destructive rage usually reserved for Japanese stop-action animation. He tears down the Franklin Institute, Independence Hall, and the Penn Tower. Watch now as the band, led by Elrod, takes refuge for the night atop Bald Mountain.
[Band forms a mountain and plays "Night on Bald Mountain." The percussion section then "blows its top."]
Join us next week in Providence, when elrod awakes from his awful nightmare safe and sound, after levelling philly - for credit, and we neuter the bulldogs of Yale - for credit.
Brown 28 vs. Yale 14
Saturday, November 4, 2000
Pregame:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that isn't voting for Bush, Gore, or Nader, it's the Brown University "Vote Snidley" Band!
[Band takes the field]
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a city, a wonderous city, full of smells that no one had ever smelled before. And in the city, there was a university full of wonderous smells that no one had ever smelled before. With good reason. Let's all welcome Yale and their wonderous smells to the game.
[Band forms football, plays "Championship"]
The Yale Band won't be here today. In fact the only band that did turn up for a game this season was Harvard's. So maybe we're the ones who smell funny. Actually, the Yale Band did come, and we just ate them. So you won't be seeing them for a while. Watch now as the band picks today's winner (for entertainment purposes only), and plays [some Brown song]
[Band forms its favorite letter]
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting the only band here today that hasn't soiled a fire hydrant in New Haven, it's the Brown University "Who let the Dogs Out?" Band!
[Band takes the field]
Last week in the chronicles of Elrod found us in Philadelphia, where our hero was demolishing historic sights in a manner not dissimilar to Godzilla, Mothra, or a major contracting firm. In the end, he fled to Bald Mountain, where he was tormented by demons for 40 days. With the charge of God fresh in his mind, Elrod returns to Providence to help the band beat the blues.
[Band forms Liberty Bell, plays "Good Golly, Miss Molly," gets crushed]
At this point in the show, we'd like to pause and remind all those in the audience to vote on Tuesday. Although many claim that there's no difference between Bush and Gore, the band knows better. Gore, for example, speaks fluent English. We're not sure what language Bush speaks, but careful analysis has allowed us to find etymologies for some items in his vocabulary. "Japanians" seems to be derived from the Heiroglyph "Bread-Mouth-Squiggle," which roughly translates to "People who are smarter than me." Watch now as the band calls for a return to old-time family values. And languages!
[Band forms "Bread-Mouth-Squiggle," plays "Old time Rock'n Roll"]
Of course, there are other reasons to avoid voting for Bush. He went to Yale. Gore, on the other hand, attended some hick school in Cambridge. But the band won't really tell you how to use your vote. This is America, and you can vote for any dumb rich guy you want. Watch now as the band forms the highest grade that either candidate received as an undergraduate and plays a Brown song.
[Band forms a "B," plays some Brown song]
That's all for today, folks - thanks for tuning in. Join us next week when the band braves the frozen wastelands to the north to take on the big lack of experience that is Dartmouth.
[Band marches off to numero uno]
Brown 34 vs. Dartmouth 26
Saturday, November 11, 2000
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that wears wool undergarments, it's the Brown University - "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine" - BAND!
[Band runs onto field]
Wait - wait - this just in - it seems that it is too close to call which band is on the field ... In fact, it seems that the Dartmouth Band is on. [In a hick voice] We'd like to welcome all y'all from Providence to this here city of ours. We'd also like to apoligize for our actions in the last election. 'Course, we still don't know who the president is, but if New Hampshire and Or-e-gon hadn't gone to Bush, then Florida wouldn't matter. The top ten reasons that Dartmouth students voted for a Yalie?
10) Couldn't tell the difference between Buchanan and Gore
9) Couldn't tell the difference between Buchanan and Bush
8) Illiterate
7) Too busy makin' up top ten lists
6) Crimson looks bad on Green
5) Bush has an Ivy-league edumacation
4) Identified with his cocaine habit
3) After abusing alcohol for years, he's finally dry - just like Dartmouth
2) They voted for the Green Party candidate - a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush
1) The sheep told me to do it! I swear!
Watch now as the Band forms a bad political metaphor for Florida and plays [something].
[Band does just that]
Wait - wait - this just in - it seems that it is now once again too close to call what band is on the field ... In fact, yes, our latest reports identify the band as going to Princeton. [upper crust voice] The Princeton Band recently discovered that in an effort to boost their applicant pool to meet minimum requirements of respectability, Dartmouth will be adopting a new advertising slogan. We'd like to suggest a few of our own:
a) Dartmouth: It's what's for college
b) Hanover: It's nowhere you want to be
c) You're not going to pay a lot for this college ... oh, wait! Yes, you are
d) Have you ridden a moose ... lately?
e) ... and with a name like "Dartmouth," it has to be good...or at least you would think
f) "The Brown Band"
We'll be back for halftime to bring you our special election coverage.
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, flatlanders and farmers, presenting an organization that's glad we didn't "Take Vermont Back" - though it seems like New Hampshire might be broken, it's the Brown University - "It's all the green's fault" - Band!
[Band protests election - no - actually, they run on]
Brown University just named our next President, Dr. Ruth Simmons. It took us nine months to figure that out, though we did finish before the United States as a whole. Princeton and Harvard, on the other hand, are still looking. What can we conclude? While Brown students are much smarter than the average American, students at those second-tier Ivies just don't measure up. And we hear that Dartmouth hasn't even started looking for a new President. Watch now as the band calculates their average IQ.
[Band forms a zero, plays "Good Golly, Miss Molly"]
Due to the results of the Presidential election, the band has decided to leave the United States for a land with an informed citizenry. Canada. After the game, we'll be headed off to the frozen wastes of the north, which are actually quite similar to Dartmouth - except for the infomed citizenry bit. Watch now as the band looks forward to an old-time Dartmouth diet of root-crops and vodka, and plays the latest chart-topping hit in Hanover.
[Band forms turnip, plays "Old Time Rock'n Roll"]
Actually, we anticipate being able to return to the United States within a few years. By that point, global warming will have put Florida under several feet of ocean. And just think - by that point the climate will have undergone enough change to make Hanover habitable by humans. Rhode Island might be a little wet, but it rains 2 days out of 3 anyway in Providence, so we won't notice the difference.
[Band forms "B," plays some Brown Song]
Join us next week in the warmer climes of Providence where the Bears will be winding down the season against the Lions (oh my!), and the band will be bidding adeiu to its graduating seniors.
[Band marches off to #1]
Brown 45 vs. Columbia 27
Saturday, November 18, 2000
Pregame:
Our seniors have been here a while,
their memories will give us a smile
their presence we'll miss
as we run down the list
now if we could just get rid of Kyle ...
Carolyn's our fearless leader
she always is there when you need her
she used to play reeds
but responded to our needs
now her spit valve dumps out a liter
Our head conductor is Nick
he studies why people get sick
he has quite a knack
for playing the sax
and also for waving his stick
Josh the corsec once was
he took up a valiant cause
to be drowning in liquor
or watching a stripper
whose weight was against the state laws
Marty has really red hair
he's loud so you know when he's there
but when playing the flute
you can't hear a toot
so he switched to the trombone last year
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark beer
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark beer
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark beer
Princess Alycia is grand
she holds Mike in the palm of her hand
she directs S and M
she's a dominating femme
when she says attention, you stand!
Chuck keeps a mighty fine beat
he has trouble with skates on his feet
from old San Antone
he's bad to the bone
he's not gone, he'll be right down the street!
The low end of the reeds is Veronica
she's more fun than the 8 nights of Chanukah
she comes decked in leather
no matter the weather
this limerick's clean - how ironica!
There once was a stringbean named Steve
who was so long you wouldn't believe
he rushed the bass drum
and got thrown out on his bum
and came back cause he just wouldn't leave - I mean come!
Our quad player Brian F. Locke
kept plenty of booze in his stock
he takes lots of chugs
and gives lots of hugs
he's the sketchiest guy on the block
There once was a sketchball named James
whose girls were too many to name
the trumpet's a ball
but they found it too small
so he picked up the sousaphone in shame
Jonah McBride is our veep
with the corsec he often does sleep
the child of a stonah
he drinks lots of Corona
and he hasn't showered in a week.
arooooooooo!
Halftime:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that's about to lose it's better fourth, it's the Brown University - shoulda gone with the five-year plan - BAND!
(Band stumbles onto field in the manner of a super-senior heading to 9 am class)
All season long we've been following the epic story of the band's hero, Elrod Snidley. Originally we planned to end that story in this halftime show. Well, it ain't gonna happen. We pre-empt the season finale to bring you something with even more intrigue, seduction, and scandal - epic election coverage! Watch now as the band tries to prevent a miscarriage of justice in Florida and forms a metaphor for the state's electoral votes.
(Band forms a trophy, plays "Smooth")
Last week, Brown announced our next president, something that we don't anticipate the United States managing for another year or so. To make Dr. Simmons's transition to Brown as comfortable as possible, the band will now form a comfortable shoe and play "Play That Funky Music Brown Boys" (band shouts "and Girls")
(Band forms shoe, plays "Play That Funky Music Brown Boys")
So, to summarize - Brown has a new president, the rest of the country can't quite figure it out, and Harvard and Princeton can't even narrow it down to two candidates. And Columbia students? Well, they were awfully confused by the SAT's, so filling out a New York ballot was probably far beyond them - though it is multiple choice.
(Band forms "B", plays "Brown Bear")
Join us next year, when the Bears take on the University of San Diego on their home turf, and the band continues to make jokes about the still-undecided election results.
(Band marches off to "Ever True")