Brown 25 vs. Yale 24
Saturday, September 18, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that hasn't used cocaine for at least 25 years, it's the Brown University "Dice que 'No'" (translation: just say NO) Band!

[Band runs onto the field, plays "Championship"]

So once again, the band finds itself at the "Broke Down Palace" that is Claire Danes' "So Called University." Watch now as the band forms our favorite letter and plays "Brown Forevermore."

[Band forms B and plays Brown Cheering Song, followed by Ever True to Brown and marches off the field]

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, Secret Society members, and all you future politicians who smoke-but don't 'in-yale' [groan]-presenting an organization that took Stats 'S/NC', it's the Brown University "precise to ten decimal places and statistically significant within a 95% confidence interval" band!

[Band runs onto the field, forms Bell Curve]

We apologize for the lack of a normal distribution; the band has been known to be a bit noisy at times-[pause]-not unlike candidate George W Bush. We would like to reassure our viewing audience that politicians with sordid pasts can be successful. For instance, our last two presidents have overcome their Yale degrees. Watch now as the band plays "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing."

[Band plays "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing."]

Speaking of sordid pasts, the Justice Department has decided to broaden its investigation of the Skull & Bones Society. The investigation, which already covers numerous drug-smuggling charges and the Iran-Contra Affair, will be broadened to include the Waco incident. [pause] Watch now from the Jury Box as the band identifies the defendant and plays the "Brown Forevermore."

[Band forms skull & bones, plays #3]

The Yale Club, in a bid to attract younger members, has decided to adopt "Casual Fridays"-get a chisel now to help remove those crusty Yale jackets. Another part of the plan calls for them to host next year's MTV Movie awards. [Whole sentence pronounced with a strawng southun' accent, as to make 'yell' come out as 'Yale:'] Asked for comment on the plan, George W said, "This year's awards was so bad I had to yell!" Speaking of movies, can you identify which of the following Claire Danes has done recently?

  1. "Deep Blue Sea"

  2. "Mystic Pizza"

  3. "Harold Bloom"

  4. "My Life as a Dog"

  5. "Broke Down Palace"

  6. "The Princeton Band"

Watch now as the band shows its answer, and plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"

[Band forms 'B', plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"]

Join us next week when the Bears take on Lafayette at home, which is good, because we honestly don't know where Lafayette is. And finally, for your viewing pleasure, the band will once again flush itself out of the Yale Bowl.

[Band spirals off the field.]

Brown 35 vs. Lafayette 28
Saturday, September 25, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that's bigger, badder, and twice as absorbent as when you last saw it, it's the Brown University "Just add water" Band!

[Band runs onto field, forms football.]

The band will be holding a very special contest today - anyone who can correctly identify the hometown of Lafayette will win - that's right - win - their VERY OWN BROWN BAND BUTTON! Isn't that exciting?

[Band plays "Championship"]

To be honest, we're still not convinced that Lafayette even exists - but hey, if they don't exist, then we're bound to win. Watch now as the band forms our favorite letter and plays Brown Forevermore.

[Band forms "B", Plays some stinkin' Brown song....]

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that couldn't find Easton, Pennsylvania if you gave them an atlas, it's the Brown University "Lafayette? isn't that in Oregon?" Band!

[Band crosses the field like the Donner Party]

Last week found the band in Scenic New Haven, where we were able to fill up an entire halftime show with bad jokes about Yale's presidential candidate, George dub-yah. We planned to do the same thing this week, but then we realized that there isn't a presidential candidate from Lafayette. Watch now as the band tries to think of a famous Lafayette alum and plays "Build me up, Buttercup."

[Band forms "?" on field, plays "Build me up..."]

Unable to name anyone from Lafayette, the band turned to the web to continue our research into that mysterious institution. There we were able to learn a great deal about today's opposition. For example, we discovered that Easton was recently named the "Most Excellent" community in Pennsylvania, thus answering an age old question - "What ever happened to Bill and Ted?" Watch now as the band salutes our favourite time travelers from the 80's and their "Bogus Education" by forming a telephone booth and playing "Speak Up Mambo"

[Band forms a , plays "Time Warp"]

Here at Brown, President Gee has recently announced the "Stephen Robert Initiative for the Study of Values," a three-year program to promote a "sustained, focused study and discussion of fundamental human values." It appears that Gee has decided to model the initiative on a similar program already in place at Lafayette, "Values and Science/Technology," or VAST. The Lafayette program, which has been in place for several years, incorporates many of the same components as the Brown initiative would:

  1. a whopping 20 pages of mandatory writing assignments per semester.

  2. special sections for engineers requiring only 10 pages.

  3. an essay competition - last year's winner was titled "10 reasons not to hurt puppies."

  4. required reading from the Book of Mormon.

  5. abstinence.

  6. The Princeton Band

Watch now as the band joins the Jain sect and abstains from eating onions:

[Band forms an onion, plays "Green Onions"]

At this point in the show, we'd like to give some advice to the class of '03. Eat at Spikes. Don't feel obliged to tell us all how pornography objectifies the poor lost puppy that you rescued from a Lafayette student while you were doing summer charity work teaching values to inner-city youth. And finally, don't confuse Kinko's and Miko. Both are open 24 hours, but for very different reasons.

<Ahem>

Join us next week for Homecoming when the bears take on the big red [band: "big red what?"], but their band stays home, because they prefer to sit in the VAST wasteland of Ithaca, NY.

[Band forms a "B", plays #In the Fray]

Brown 33 vs. Cornell 28
Saturday, October 2, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that's living in a broom closet on fifth floor Keeney, it's the Brown University "How 'bout that housing lottery?" Band! The band, however, has decided to come out of the closet for our 75th anniversary. We invited the Yale band along, but they're all being housed in converted bathrooms. And if you think that's bad, we can tell by the smell that Cornell is housing students in the cowshed again.

[Band forms football, plays "Championship"]

We thank you all for coming, and hope that you're as loud as you were on Thursday night at the pep rally. So strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as the band forms its favorite letter and plays "I'm a Brown Man Born ".

[Band forms B, plays "BMB"]

 

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization astoundingly spry for its age, it's the Brown University "You don't look a day over 75" Band!

[Band hobbles onto the field]

The band is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year, and has finally come to appreciate the finer things in life: 8:30 section, parking tickets, and the Ratty Cheese Baked Scrod. To quote the Brown Club of Chicago, "Remember that shivery little 10-piece band we used to take to New Haven? Well the little shivery band has reached the age of long pants and now they're going to have the BIG BROWN BAND!" Watch now as the band welcomes HOME all the alumni and plays "Sweet Home Providence"

[Band forms house, plays "Sweet Home"]

Since the band is celebrating its 75th anniversary, we thought we'd teach the band all about its history. So here's a simple question: "Little band, who made thee; dost thou know who made thee?"

[Band forms a FIRE, mills around, looks at press box, shrugs ...]

[Whispered : "Irving Harris - Band - Irving Harris"] The band's answer is ... is ... the band doesn't seem to have an answer. Watch now as the band turns big red with embarrassment and plays "Fire"

[Band plays "Fire"]

It has recently come to our attention that the band at one point possessed New England's largest bass drum, an honor that now rests with Harvard. According to a 1925 Brown Daily Herald Article "A corps of drummers, a first string and an assistant drummer, practiced all summer and developed what was considered the smoothest bass drum technique this side of the Jordan." The band will now use its oversize bass drum and extra-smoooooth technique to bring the walls tumblin' down.

[Band forms bass drum, plays "Joshua"]

Speaking of band history, it gives us great pleasure to introduce Mr Warren Leonard, class of 1930 the band's first student conductor. Mr Leonard will now lead the band in playing a number from its first concert appearance, "S.I.B.A"

[Band forms concert arch, plays "S.I.B.A"]

Let's hear it for Mr. Leonard.

Unlike Mr. Leonard, some things just shouldn't be brought back. The band would like to salute all the things from the 70's that ought to be left alone, like disco night at the Ratty, "that seventies show", and Sister Sledge. Watch now as the band shows its favorite year of the 70's.

[Band forms 75, plays "Hogan's Heroes"]

The band is saddened that our counterparts from Cornell were unable to appear at today's game. Their train powered by pure funk broke down, as the Cornell Band is about as funky as the Friendly Fruit Guy. The band will now take a moment to remind you that "plums are firm" and "banana = potassium." Watch now as the Band forms a B and plays "Brown Pear"

[Band forms B, plays "Brown Bear"]

Join us next week as Brown faces off against the "tygers, tygers burning bright" in the forests of Providence, and the band recovers from the 75th anniversary festivities.

Brown 53 vs. Princeton 30
Saturday, October 9, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that likes to spend its nights in the Sun Lab, on its knees, learning Accessor Methods from the consultant, it's the Brown University -- our objects are public; how 'bout yours? -- BAND!

As a public service for those poor souls taking CS 15, the band would now like to present the complete source code for Tetris, as written by our illustrious president, Kyle. "*please,* PLEASE let me pass this class..."

[Band calls constructor method for football, plays "Championship"]

Hoping to provide you with the *actual* code, the band turned to our splendiferous vice president, Julia. (Quietly:) "Huh? what's that? ... oh." Um, it seems that Julia just dropped the class, so you're all just out of luck.

[Band plays #4]

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Presenting an organization that tripled Brown's endowment with one night's panhandling on Thayer Street, it's the Brown University "Richer than a Meeting Street Cafe mousse cake" Band!

[Band onto field]

The Princeton Band, which is better endowed than Cornell, could afford to travel to today's game in the solid-gold train powered by pure funk that daddy bought them. But for this week anyway, Brown is the funkiest band in the Ivy League. After all, P-funk is playing in Providence tomorrow. Watch now as the band takes last week's "Sweet Home Chicago" and tears its roof off.

[Band forms the house again, plays Funk Funkety Funk, and tears the roof of at some opportune moment]

While winning the game may seem important, there are greater forces to be dealt with than the Princeton football team.

  1. Crunchy Cheese Baked Scrod
  2. The Brown Corporation
  3. Kosher Pork
  4. The evil Illuminati conspiracy threatening the American Way of Life (TM)
  5.  
  6. the Princeton Band

Watch now as the band takes off in its funk-powered space train to save the Universe from all that is Eeeeeevil (Band bites its collective pinky) and plays "You can Call me Al."

[Band forms rocket, plays "Al"]

Having arrived at the Brown stadium to do battle with the forces of darkness, the band found itself confronted with none other than the infamous Princeton Band. However, we soon realized that the Princeton Band is not truly eeevil, but instead some sort of diet-evil. Left without any opposition, the band was victorious. Watch now as the band returns to Earth and plays "Bring that Funky Victory, Brown Boys."

[Band plays "Bring the Victory"]

Join us next week as Bruno takes on the "Rama-lama-ding-dongs" of URI and the Band gets to know your mom and dad during the Parents weekend festivities.

[Band gets the hell off]

Brown 27 vs. URI 25
Saturday, October 16, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Baby-kissers and hand-shakers, Presenting an Organization that's already homesick, it's the Brown University "Send Money Now" Band!

[Band runs onto the field]

Aren't they adorable? Six weeks into college and they already look soooo grown up! The baby fat is melting away and turning into an honest to goodness midriff bulge, those sparkly eyes have crows feet, and some even show signs of male pattern baldness. Better love us now - before we turn into old curmudgeons.

[Band Forms Football, Plays "Championship"]

Of course, these signs of premature aging only mean that your precious babies are working their TAILS off to make up for the $100 a day that you're paying to have them here. And since they work so hard, they should get a cut of the spendings....right?

[Band Forms "B", Plays "Brown Forevermore"]

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, Parents and Legal Guardians, Presenting "The finest organization ever to enter Brown University," It's the URI - Marching - Band!

[Band semi-marches to the 20, then runs on in some disorganized manner ...]

We know you miss your kids. And of course, you'd like to think that they miss you. But to tell you the truth, they've already forgotten who you are. So quick! Send them money to make them remember! - Or better still send money to us ... we'll pass it on to them; really we will.

But of course, you know they love you for more than your pocketbook! some of your kids even remember where they came from. Watch now as the band remembers its origins, and plays "women from mars."

[Band Forms female symbol O+- , Plays "American Woman"]

Well, now you know where we come from. But where did YOU come from? Here at Brown we represent a number of nationalities. For example, our new vice president comes from Princeton. We're not sure, but we think that Princeton's located somewhere in the sea of tranquility. Other celestial orbs are represented as well. Rumor has it that Dean Desrocher is really from Neptune. And our guest soloist, Richard Price, has a sound so big they can hear it anywhere in the Solar System. Watch now as Richie sends a message home about a place called N'Orleans.

[Band Forms planet [Saturn] , Plays "N'Orleans"]

Here on earth, we're all anxiously watching the race for the presidency. As always, family values is a hot topic. It seems that some candidates are calling for a return to the nuclear family - mom, dad, big brother, little sis, and a dog that glows in the dark. But we all know the problem with nuclear power, right? it's unstable! it causes severe mutations! it can drive you craaaazy and even make you....DYSFUNCTIONAL. watch now as the band splits the atom and explodes the family values myth with the help once again of Richard Price.

[Band Forms atom (with Clarineti electrons in orbit), Plays "Johnny's Mom", and splits during Trumpet Solo.]

The band recently heard that The Flu will be arriving 3 weeks early this year - it was able to find discount fares in October. Good thing all you parents are here! Although your kids will have made it clear that they're independent, no one can turn down a nice bowl of chicken soup when you've got the sniffles. Well, Unless they're a vegetarian. Watch now as our temperature rises and we survive anyway, thanks to you, our ever loving families.

[Band Forms Bowl of Soup, Plays "I Will Survive"]

Thank you all for coming out and sharing a little ram meat with your kids on this fine Saturday afternoon. we'd love to see you again next weekend, as we make the quakers....y' know....QUAKE...in beautiful, sophisticated, oh-so- ... je ne sais quoi ... downtown Philadelphia.

[Band Forms B , Plays "Brown Man Born"]

Brown 44 vs. UPenn 37
Saturday, October 23, 1999

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that produces more bad jokes than an infinite number of monkeys, it's the Brown University "Schopenhauer, I hardly know her!" Band!

We asked Decartes to help us out with this script - he said "I think not" and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Watch now as the band forms a puff of smoke that looks suspiciously like a football, and plays a Mozart sonata that sounds suspiciously like "Championship."

[Band forms football, plays "Championship"]

As you can see (or rather hear) the band is in a constant state of denial. And we don't mean Egypt. Speaking of bodies of water, if when you go into the bathroom you're Russian, when you come out of the bathroom you're American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? (pause) European! (band groans.) Watch as the band forms B for Brown and cheers the team along.

[Band forms B, plays "#2"]

Halftime:

Ladies and Germs, Friends and Alumni, presenting and organization that walked into a bar - [band: "Ouch!"] - it's the Brown University "take my wife; please!" Band!

We just flew in from Providence, and boy are our arms tired. Speaking of flying, what has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck! Speaking of garbage, how about that Penn Band? The Penn band could be the farmer's best friend - just spread them over the fields and watch the corn spring up! Watch now as the band makes hay while the sun shines and plays "Evil Maize."

[Band forms ear of corn, plays "Evil Maize"]

The beauty of rural Pennsylvania brings to mind the line from "America the Beautiful" about amber waves of grain. But not all of Pennsylvania is an Amish paradise; much of it is a trailer-park heaven. Which begs the question, "Why did the Band cross I-95? To get to the double-wide." Watch now as the band forms a twister and demolishes the Pennsylvania countryside.

[Band forms funnel cloud, plays "Disco Tornado"]

I don't think we're in Pennsylvania anymore, Toto. Looks like the brown band is somewhere over the rainbow! Well, there doesn't seem to be anything interesting here. We'd better just go back into our closet (or a bus) and go home. Watch now as the brown band clicks its combat boots together three times and rides back home on another tornado.

[Band forms upsidedown triangle , plays "Bring the Victory"]

Don't look for us at Fordham next week - we don't want to go to the Bronx! We will, however, kick off hockey season against the Crimson Menace, 7pm at Meehan Auditorium.

Brown 17 vs. Harvard 10
Saturday, November 6, 1999

Pregame:

 

Halftime:

 

Brown 35 vs. Dartmouth 28
Saturday, November 13, 1999

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that's colder than it's ever been (and now it's even colder), it's the Brown University, "What's this flaky white stuff?" Band!

According to the laws of chaos theory, every snowflake is unique in its own, special way. The band is good at being chaotic. If a butterfly flaps its wings in Taiwan, we end up flat on our backs in Providence. Watch now as the band becomes something you've never seen before, or will ever see again...

[Band runs onto field, forms snowflake, plays "Cold Wet Stuff"]

You may be wondering... what would the future be like right now if we had formed a sheep instead? There's a well known parable about a person - let's say a Brown student - who discovers a time machine. She uses it to go back to the days of the dinosaurs, with strict instructions not to alter anything in any way. She slips, however, and squashes something - say a prehistoric sheep. When she returns to her own time, she discovers that her world is completely changed. The U.S. is a monarchy, apples are oranges... and she goes to Dartmouth! Watch now as the band forms a prehistoric sheep, and plays "Stargrazers."

[Band makes a sheep, plays "Stargrazers"]

Too bad there's no snow [or if there's snow, say "Good thing there's snow"]. We could have demonstrated our favorite chaotic principle - the Snowball Effect. No, not "snowballing," you warped people. We're referring to iterations -something that starts small and grows and grows and grows more complicated. Like the Brown football team's defensive strategy. If you're still not sure what we mean, we'll show you.

[Band plays No. 4, starts in a clump and chaotically forms a B]

Thanks for coming all the way to Hanover - we know it's quite an ordeal. We'd be honored if you joined us in sunny, warm, technologically enhanced Providence for the last game of the season against Columbia.

Brown 23 vs. Columbia 6
Saturday, November 20, 1999

Pregame:

[Band forms champagne flute, plays bits and pieces as seniors run through]

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alums
Plebes, Bourgoisie, and President Gee
children of famous people and bums

please now join the band as we
salute our seniors - and to show them we care-a
give them a toast with a glass of bubbly

we'll start with a bang for the end of an era
to the top of the glass, this bandie will hasten
its cymbal crashing bass drum toting Russian speaking Sara!

[Band plays]

another percussion, this one named Jason
with a will to win as strong as a tank
and conducting skills that make the women start chasin'

[Band plays]

an ex-band board flutist's the top of the rank
when she's played piccolo, she's never been screechy
what's her name? I'm drawing a (Kathy) Blank

her tone sweet'n'low, her temperament peachy
she keeps her horn greased, so her slide's never sticky
for the sake of the rhyme, we'll call her Kate Beechy

[Band plays]

with so few low-toned blowers, we can't be too picky
what we got was in fact our best wishes come true
the incredible, fantastic, fabulous Mickey

one sousaphone's good, but its better with two
we'll miss him next year but we'll have to suffice
let's all say a fond farewell to Mike Wu

[Band Plays]

Jordan plays bass drum; he'll try anything twice
with the smoothest technique this side of Chuck
and he's good for a laugh when we play on the ice.

[Band Plays]

next Michael Pfeffer, a bandie with pluck
he's played reeds and brass, and twice been VP
in Medical school, we all wish him luck!

[Band Plays]

Finally, the last of the bubbles you'll see
after two years as president, he's earned a vacation
for those who can't guess, it's Kyle Mitschele

his plans are to teach the history of our nation
since he's off to grad school we bid him farewell
and hope all goes well with his Brown Application.

for these nine seniors, our hearts with pride swell
nevermore across the football field will they disperse.
what wonders they'll do next only time will tell
we hope that they've had ample time to rehearse.

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization whose favorite smurf was Handy Smurf, it's the Brown University, "La la la-la la la" ... BAND!

The band spent the past week writing, directing, and producing its own musical: "The Life and Times of Josiah Carberry." Wanting a frenetic, high-energy show, the band tried to recruit Tommy Tune as its choreographer. Unfortunately we had to make due with Professor Morone. We had to give up our dream of opening at the Winter Garden for a slightly smaller space... a broom closet on fifth floor Keeney. Watch now as the band looks for another opening, and gets off off off off off Broadway.

[Band forms star, plays "On Broadway"]

Our protagonist is a young doctor of psychoceramics who comes of age in New York during the era of blackjack and Madame Butterfly. Wait-- forget the blackjack. And New York City. We'll just call it "Madame Butterfly" and set it in Japan, with Godzilla as the love interest. Mothra will appear in a special role as the spurned lover. Watch now as the show's one star rating goes up in flames, and the band plays "Starblazers."

[Band forms butterfly, plays "Starblazers"]

Tragically, our hero is killed when Mothra asks him if he is a god, and he says no. The correct answer, of course, is "You bet your sweet patootie I'm a god." Mothra then goes to a final battle with the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man over the streets of Kyoto. Watch now as the band forms B for butterfly and covers the field with sweet, sticky white stuff.

[Band forms B, plays "In the Fray"]

We feel that Mothra, like the Columbia Band, was just misunderstood. All it asked for was a little tender loving care. Speaking of TLC, next week the band will be taking a holiday to go home and eat so much they'll have to roll us back up College Hill. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!