The Brown Band: Fall 1998 Show Scripts

Brown 28 versus Yale 30
Saturday, September 19, 1998

Pregame Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that got rid of its last cello player just six months ago, it’s the Brown University "No Strings Attached" Band!

(Band runs onto field, forms a football, and plays whatever it’s gonna play.)

So, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve learned that President Clinton recently visited Brown Stadium, and now we’d like to ask all you Brown fans: are you sitting in the hot seat? While you contemplate that, watch now as the Band forms its favorite type of letter and plays Indecent Relationships Forevermore.

(Band forms a B and plays #3.)

(Band shifts B over ten yards and plays the Spam Splattered Banana.)

Halftime Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting an organization that is under the care of the Federal Witness Protection program, it's the Yale "Under Lock and Key" Precision Marching Band!

(Band skulks onto field.)

With all of the terrorist bombings of late, the organization formerly known as the Brown Band, which formed an exploding BMW in one of its previous shows, decided it would be wise to go undercover by taking on an alternate identity...

To do this, we had to send a member of the Band on a secret mission to New Haven. (007 voice.) Her name was Band. (Pause.) Jane Band. (Mock-dramatic, mystery novel narration.) To prepare for the infiltration, she donned a navy blazer, dumped some extra starch into her underwear, and kissed her lover goodbye - because after all, she was going to New Haven and was not sure if she'd ever return.

Being the well-funded bandie she was, she stowed herself away in the UHaul of a returning Yale student. Deciding to start her research into the life of a real Yalie, she started to rummage through the suspicious-looking paraphernalia in search of band contraband. However, among the wardrobe of varying shades of dark navy blue blazers (all embroidered with the insignias of various secret societies), she found only one thing that might distinguish this person as a Yale bandie: an LP which contained nothing but bad 70s music. Watch now as the "Yale" Band forms a record and plays "Bulldog Inferno."

(Band forms record, rotates, and plays "Disco Inferno.")

As she listened to the record with dread in her heart, socks in her shoes and that darn starch in her underwear, she began to chafe. After applying the crunchy cheese-baked scrod to soothe her sensitive skin, the U-Haul creaked to a stop. Man, that transition stunk, she said to herself. So she went to check the transition fluid. Failing to see a problem, mostly because of the New Haven smog, she continued on in her story.

Wearing her navy blazer, effectively disguising her true identity, she was immediately swept up into world of the Yale Underground. She entered the Vault, swiftly confronted by the KGB- the Killer Gumby Band. She was taught the ways of the KGB and by quirk of fate sent back to probe the (loaded pause) minds of the Brown Band Think Tank, to find out just what their mysterious buttons meant.

The KGB, however, used something a bit more devious then a U-Haul to send her on her way - they unveiled their top secret ICBM - an intercollegiate ballistic missile, complete with passenger-side airbag and antilock brakes. Watch now as the Yale Band forms an ICBM and sends off Jane from Yale, with love, as she is headed For Bruno and For Brown.

(Band forms ICBM, plays #4)

We thank Jane for joining us today -- she just landed in time to inform us of the secrets of the Yale Band's Intelligence Division. It didn't take long. Her debriefing was brief, and the chafing finally ceased. Therefore, the Band just underwent training on how to act like the Yale "Precision" Marching Band.

There were a few other things that we had to learn before we could come out here and successfully act like the Yale Band (because Killer Gumbys don’t just walk funny).

a)	We all had to do the starch in the underwear thing. It’s the only way to walk correctly. But thank God I’m up here, because obviously I don’t have to wear starch in my underwear to read a script like the Yale Band…
b)	The script-reader, that’s me, had to dump extra starch in his underwear too. Wait a second. No I didn’t. Oh wait. No. No. No. Aaaaaahhhhhhh! Ohhh…that tickles… stop that!
c)	To form a music library, we had to form the Big Bad Bruno Musicological Junta. I don’t understand either.
d)	We tried to gather a great deal of sea life to float around us during the half-time show. Octopuses, shrimp, stuff like that. But then we realized that this was silly and no band that was going for respectability would have squid-like things floating around.
e)	We called the Motherland and spoke with Yeltsin’s recent nominee for Foreign Minister, who happened to be the former head of the KGB. When asked how to be a real killer gumby, he seemed slightly confused. (Russian voice) "Vhat ees dis keeler Gumbee you tolk of? Eet makes no senze." I guess he was a different KGB head. Or maybe he was just covering for the Skull and Bones society.
f)	The Princeton Band

Though Jane escaped her mission unscathed, save a bit of rough skin, we’d like to contemplate what might have happened if the KGB, doubling as the other Yale Band, had found her out. Watch now as the Yale band sends its demonstration of the domino effect back to Brown in the form of a vamp and plays Stand Up Mambo.

(Band forms B, collapses upon itself (while drum line is at top of B, playing the vamp, not falling) and plays Speak Up Mambo)

We thank you all for joining us today. Join us in two weeks when we head to the swamps of Rhode Island to battle the URI band.

(Band gets the heck off of the field)

---

Brown 17 versus Princeton 31
Saturday, October 10, 1998

Pregame Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that will remain nameless for another few words, it’s the Brown University "Palmer? I Hardly Know ‘Er!" BAND!!!

We’d like to welcome you all to our show today. This is actually our first time playing at the Vince Lombardi Memorial Rest Stop. There’s only one thing confusing us, though…we can’t find the Roy Rogers. Watch now as the Band pays tribute to fast-food cuisine by forming a pigskin and playing something Foxy.

Band forms football and plays Fox Sports Themes

So now that we’ve eaten, we’re going to sit back and enjoy the smog for a while. Ahhhh, that was refreshing…

Watch now as the Band forms a single, non-rotating B and plays A smog cheering song.

Band forms B and plays #2

Band Plays #1 and walks off in B.

Half time Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that just christened the Vatican, it’s the Brown University "Holy WATER, Batman!" BAND!!!! Hello and welcome to Princeton’s new stadium. For lack of a better name…well, for lack of a name, we’ll call it the Electric Pussycat Swingers Club for now. With the help of the Brown Archeological Recovery Fellows, BARF, the Band decided to investigate Princeton’s old stadium. After playing in the dirt for a while, we came to a startling conclusion: the stadium was not built for football at all. Palmer stadium was actually erected for two sports: pole wrestling and the Winter Naked Olympics. (There was talk of a merged sport, but that fell by the waist-side.) The original plans never had seating – just poles for people to huddle and dance around. Watch now as the band forms a Palmer seat and plays bring the victory – wink, wink nudge, nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?

Band Plays "Bring the Victory" and forms (rectangle??)

The Band pondered this so-called "pole wrestling," and wondered where such a bizarre sport could have originated. But we think we have the answer: pole wrestling is actually the modern descendent of that ancient sport, pole DANCING. In true Princeton spirit, we’d like to keep an old, crusty, outdated tradition alive by declaring this new stadium a home for pole dancers everywhere. President Clinton recently heard about this grand Princeton tradition and demanded a luxury box in the new stadium. Ahhhh, luxury poll-dancing. Watch now as we toast President Clinton with a bottle of bubbly and play a tune from down South.

Band plays "New Orleans" and forms a bottle of champagne with bubbles coming over the top.

Speaking of champagne, we’d like to share our real purpose in coming here today: to christen the new stadium. Here’s the list of names we came up with:

Watch now as the band forms the letter of the name it chose and plays "You can call me Big Daddy."

Band plays "You Can Call Me Al" and forms B.

Thank you for listening, and join us next week when some bold and daring New Yorkers venture out of the so-called center of the universe, and we take on Fordham.

---

Brown 38 versus Fordham 27
Saturday, October 17, 1998

Pregame Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and parents, presenting an organization that that just voted to impeach itself, it’s the Brown University "Fordham? I hardly know ‘em!" Band!

So, how about that Fordham? What to say about Fordham…what to say…

-long pause-

Mmmmm…pork…

Watch now as the band forms a pigskin and plays "Out, Damned Fox! Out I say!"

Band forms football, plays NFL on Fox

Band forms B, plays #4

Band plays #1, moves over, plays National Anthem

Halftime Show:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and parents, presenting an organization that is ready to fulfill its own manifest destiny by taking over the field, it’s the Brown University "On a mission from God" Band!!!

(Kyle and Pfeffer run screaming onto field, band straggles behind.)

Today, we’d like to welcome back the Brown Brothers, the Band’s fearless leadership. However, while the brothers took a few semesters off, the Band’s uniforms changed a bit. And while the Brown Band is a scatter band, without the leadership of the Brown Brothers, the band has become even more scattered than it used to be. Watch now as the Brown Brothers attempt to get the band back together and plays "Hold On, I’m Comin.’"

(Band forms sunglasses, plays "Hold On, I’m Comin.’")

The Band recently got shafted by Brown’s shrunken endowment, which took a beating when the stock market went down. With the band back together, it was able to muster up a back beat…or a beat back at the tiny endowment. Watch now as the band raises hell…that is, raises money…by forming the stock market, collapsing, and playing Gimme Some Money.

(Band forms a stock graph (going down), does the domino band thing (percussion could perhaps play a cadence or something here?) and plays "Gimme Some Lovin.’")

The band decided there was no better place to start fundraising than with President Gee. He agreed to help under two conditions: that we play more country and western music than we usually do, and that we add bow ties to our uniforms. Watch now as the band tries to concede to these requests by forming a bow tie and playing "Rawhide".

(Band forms bow tie and plays "Rawhide." Meanwhile, some bandies are country line dancing and one is cracking a bullwhip.)

Meanwhile, we had our share of troubles…for instance, there was that time when our fearful…I mean, fearless, leaders were chased around by a maniacal woman brandishing a Super Soaker. (Kate Brucher chases Pfeff and Kyle around with a Super Soaker.) But maybe she was only looking for a little love. Watch now as the Band forms a heart and plays "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love."

(Band does just this.)

While the Band’s big guns were being pursued with a big water gun, President Gee was coming up with a new test for the Band to prove its worth. He offered us this devious challenge: if we could add 1 and 1, he would spring for new uniforms.

So, Band, what is one plus one?

(Band starts scattering.)

Watch now as the Band forms the answer.

(Pause, as Band continues scattering.)

Uh…it looks like the Band is a little confused on this one.

(Pause.)

What is one plus one, anyway?

(Band forms amorphous blob.)

Watch now as the band sums up that thought by playing "Think."

(Band plays "Think.")

When Gee realized that there weren’t any math concentrators in the Band, he revised his test. "Band," he asked, "what is the seventh letter of the alphabet?" Unfortunately, when we studied the alphabet in preparation for this new challenge, for some reason we couldn’t get past the letter "B." We decided that the only thing to do was to flee in embarrassment. The Brown Brothers looked at each other and declared, "We’re 106 miles from campus, we’ve got fifty bandies, we’re tanked, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it."

(Band forms a B, plays "Sweet Home Chicago.")

Thank you for joining us today. Join us next week as the Brown Band stains the field with the Penn Band.

(Band steps off to #1.)

---

Brown 58 versus University of Pennsylvania 51
Saturday, October 24, 1998

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that is able to leap the SciLi at a single bound, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s an emu, it’s the Brown University "Faster Than a Speeding Bullet" Band! And we are cute, too.

The band was excited by this week’s match-up. There’s so much going on here. A match against a team coached by one of our former quarterbacks, Joe Paterno. The first meeting since 1983. It’s got the makings of a classic. What? Is that so? Forgive me. I’ve just been informed we’re playing the B team of Penn State. Never mind.

Watch now as the band leaves itself in stitches and plays a foxy flourish.

(Form football, play "NFL on Fox")

Wait! This just in! The admissions department at Upenn is eliminating football scholarships! Break out the rule book for flag football, folks.

The band will now salute its far superior athletes as they play For Bruno and For Brown.

(Form B, play #4)

(National Anthem)

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that loves making itself bigger, it’s the Brown University "Somewhat Sizeable, Snuffleupigitarian, Antidisestablismentarianistic, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocialistic, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistic, Nutritious and Delicious (and packed with vitamin C) Superfantastic Filibustering" Band!

In a step towards declaring martial law in Philly, the university has broken ground on a headquarters for the University of Pennsylvania City District. These ambassadors to the streets will demand that all people in the city get academic credit for what they’re doing. You’re a peanut vendor? Three credits for entrepreneurial spirit. You’re a homeless person? Three credits for clearing out on parents’ weekend. You’re a kid running through the streets? Three credits for training for the Penn Relays. Watch now as the band forms a half credit and earns a UPenn music degree by playing New Orleans.

(Band forms a half note, plays "New Orleans")

The Band would now like to move on to the educational part of our show. Today’s topic will be neuroscience. The tectospinal and rubrospinal descending motor pathways decussate anterior to the pons, while the vestibulospinal tract and reticulospinal tract do not decussate. Ultimately, however, descending cortical pathways are the most important muscular control routes, as electrophysiological stimulation of the M1 and premotor regions of the cortex often result in random twitching. (Band gets a leg twitch) and OH NO! It looks like the entire band is suffering from a spontaneous leg twitch. Come on, Band! Pull through! (Band snaps legs down, Penn Band style.) Ah. Much better. Watch now as the band forms a synapse and plays "Spinal Countdown".

(Band forms Synapse and plays "Final Countdown")

Robert Redford recently announced plans to build a theater for experimental cinema at Upenn. Coinciding with these plans, a specialty foods market is also to be built. The Brown Band wondered at the juxtaposition of these two edifices, and decided that it was not a coincidence. Here are some things we think they should serve at the movie snack bar:

• Chocolate Sneakers
• Not-so-Ordinary People’s Leftovers
• Out of African Dogs
• The Natural Nacho, complete with Newman’s Own organic cheese spread
• The Horse Whisperer’s cheese baked scrod

And the prices? An indecent proposal if you ask us. But hey—we’ll manage as long as they serve cinema rolls. Oh, and we hear that the first film to be shown there will be Robert Redford’s latest, "All the President’s Women." Watch now as the band forms some all-natural, organic popcorn (we could pop…) and plays "Brown Bear"

(Band forms a B and plays "Brown Bear")

Thank you for joining us today…join us next week, as we head for the northeast corner of nowhere and take on Cornell.

---

Brown 20 versus Cornell 7
Saturday, October 31, 1998

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that prefers doubling your pleasure with the crisp freshness of Doublemint gum over Big Red, it’s the Brown University "Brown University" Band!

(Band storms field.)

While you’re waiting for us to play some music, chew on this: did you know that ordinary gum can only be blown into round bubbles? However, the Brown Band recently discovered new chewing gum flavor crystals that let you blow a bubble in any shape you want! Think of the possibilities! National monuments…Dan Quayle’s head…a package from the Unabomber…just be careful not to let that one explode. Now that’s what I call a sticky situation. Watch now as the Band forms a football-shaped bubble and plays NFL on Fox.

(Band does just this.)

(Band forms B, plays #4, #1)

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that just invaded the Earth, it’s the Brown University "Elrod, phone home" Band!

The Brown Band recently joined forces with visiting aliens to take over the planet, just in time for Halloween. The aliens and the Band formed a small army, calling themselves the "Brownjackets."

(Band marches onto field, blocked up in lines, looking like an actual marching band…until the lines start veering off, people trip, etc. Then the Band scatters.)

We wondered where to begin taking over the world, and decided to start with the place that would be least conspicuous: New Jersey. But realizing that aliens had colonized New Jersey already, we moved on to Ithaca. We decided that the first part of Ithaca we would conquer would be this stadium, in a Stadium Putsch. And hey, since it’s a stadium, we even have a cheer: putsch ‘em back, putsch ‘em back, waaayyyy back!

Watch now as the band forms a piece of the pie that got thrown at them, and plays Brown Alien Born.

(Band forms 3, plays BMB)

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now interrupt this show for a commercial break.

(Pause.)

Do you like getting lost in a crowd? Are you extraordinarily fond of the colors red and white? Then take a real close look at this dazzling new line of clothing, Where’s Waldo WaldoWear! As you can see on our model, this stunning red and white striped…wait a minute…where is our model? Can YOU find him? Watch now as the band forms a question mark and plays "In a Gadda da Valdo."

(Band forms question mark, plays "In a Gadda da Vida." There is, perhaps, a Waldo-clad bandie running around for this segment.)

And, for those of you who speak Spanish!

(Band turns question mark upside-down.)

The aliens and the Band decided next to take over all print media – starting with the magazine most read for its articles, Playboy. To most effectively plot their takeover, the aliens (through Playboy) launched a revealing [beat] survey about what would turn on a Cornell student, so that they could eugenically breed creatures that would be under the mind control of the Brown Band! Muahahaha! So what does turn on a Cornell student, anyway?

Watch now as the aliens use this knowledge to seduce a Cornell student and spawn a Cornell bandie by forming a centerfold and playing "Don’t You Want Me, Baby."

(Band does this.)

Thank you all for watching, and we hope that we hear Cornell Victorious.

---

Brown 27 versus Harvard 6
Saturday, November 7, 1998

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that just a swig o’ root beer, it’s the Brown University "We got bite" Band!

The band recently heard about the travesty that is the Harvard Beer Company. It’s entirely understandable that the administration is suing; I don’t think they ever received their free kegs. And to think – they were on the verge of changing the school motto to In Beero Veritas. Such a shame. Watch now as the band forms a smooshed keg and plays "Bring me a beverage, you foxy wench!"

Band forms football, plays NFL on Fox

Play #3, March off (in B) to #1

Half-time:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that just got vaccinated, it's the Brown University "bring on your crimson disease" Band!

We're happy to be here in germ-infested Cambridge. In fact, the band is looking into enhancing their sound much the same way the Harvard band has with their whooping cough section. Well, at least I’m up here, not subject to all of that… [break into coughing fit]. Ugh! It’s everywhere! With this recent outbreak of disease in Harvard, at least those Harvard students don't have to worry about STDs. Watch now as the band blows its nose and plays Bring the Kleenex.

Band forms nose, plays Bring the Victory, and Flutes sneeze out of nose

In fact, a number of Harvard students from the past have serious debilitating diseases. FDR had polio, and Bill Gates suffers from acute desire to rule the world. Bill Gates recently announced his intention to take over the world on January 1st, 2000. He recorded the speech using voice recognition software. The following is an excerpt: " by a hot you beautiful weekly earthly is will be made to buy all my software play by instant big games for on a Bill Gates will rule vote world off hot off hot off you will bald be my slaves hot hot hot!" Watch now as the band forms a microphone and plays Everybody needs Somebody to Conquer.

Band forms a Microphone, plays Everybody Needs Somebody

We heard that Harvard students also contend with big head disease. Besides the more obvious problems big head disease causes, such as getting jammed in doorways or having charicature-like portraits, we discovered many other, less-obvious life-situations which arise with a big head. The following is a list of these plights:

a)	Really hard to give birth
b)	The enemies you form at the movie theater
c)	Your account with carpet wholesalers for that bald spot
d)	No instant photo booths for you
e)	You eclipse the Harvard bass drum
e.5)	You cut your hair with a John Deere
f)	The Princeton Band

Watch now as the band forms Siamese big heads and plays You Can Call Me Big Al.

Band forms B, plays Al

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Brown 28 versus Dartmouth 21
Saturday, November 14, 1998

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, uncles and aunties!
Friends and alumni, grandpas and grannies!
We proudly present a grupulous group
That will wow you all down with a hearty ka-zoop!
So all of you fans, let’s give them a hand!
It’s the Brown University "Buppulous" Band!

(Band gallops onto field, forms champagne glass.)

And now the Band offers a mighty big thanks
Some hugs and some kisses, some kicks and some spanks
To all the big seniors who are going away
Their time of departure: some morning, next May
So watch as the Band forms a big glass of bubbly
And toasts all the seniors, right on the doubly.

(Bits and Pieces)

First there’s Barb Green, who carries her sheep
Everywhere—on the bus, on the field, in her sleep.
She feeds us with Twizzlers, she wears her long tail
A most loyal bandie, who’s here without fail.

From the state of New York comes a banger named Adam
The Band has been glad for the four years we’ve had him
While he is with us, he bangs on the snare
And gives loyal athletic support to the Bears.

For the purpose of verse, we’ll call him Mike Zwarge
Which is helpful: he’s tall, not to mention he’s large.
He like-a to swing, he teaches us all,
It’s Michael Zwarg—"Whaddaya mean it’s last call?"

Now we have Persky, whose first name is Jon
A bandie so long that his liver’s half gone
He’s not here today, due to overexhaustion
But John Persky, we hail thee with loyal devotion.

Lastly, a bandie who knows what a flask’s for
She writes papers about us—what more could we ask for?
Our illustrious student conductor, it’s Kate
She keeps us in rhythm, and what’s more, she makes sure we start and finish on time—oh, wait…

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, daddies and mommies,
Friends and alumni, fascists and commies,
Presenting an organization that toots
On clarinets, trumpets, kazoos, and some flutes.
And so, without further ado, give a hand
To the Brown Unversity "Air-Breathing" Band!

(Band charges field.)

And now let’s pay tribute to Newton K. Gingrich
He’s finally done with Congressional flings, which
Will leave him quite free to go where he may
And we’re mightily glad that he’s going away!
But where will he go? And how will he travel?
Perhaps he will ride on a bear that eats gravel.
Perhaps he will go to the North on the backs
Of two or three Nibbulous North-Going Zax.
Or maybe he’ll travel a river-y route
And swim to Pa-Wunk in a pinstriped wetsuit.
Or tour the far-FAR-away Land of Lazarmy.
And perhaps he will take with him Richard K. Armey.
Watch now as the Band forms a Congress sans Newt
And plays the song "Aqualung" as a salute.

(Band does this.)

We’ve heard that the companies Pepsi and Coke
Are competing for rights to make Dartmouth folks broke.
But who really wants either one of those colas?
They kill your digestion and rot out your molas.
They eat up your liver and waltz with your spleen…
Oh, we could go on till two-thousand-nineteen.
And who says that money and corporate leverage
Should determine a campus’s choices of beverage?
And so we would like to bring onto the scene
A new type of drink for the folks at Big Green.
Its name shall be "Moose Juice." From that, please deduce
That Moose Juice is simply the juice of a moose.
Its flavor is moosey. Its color is spruce.
It’s endorsed by one Thickwit, the Green-Hearted Moose!
Watch now as the band forms a moose’s long (half a beat) antler,
And plays "Pepsico Inferno" before we dismantl’er.

(Band does this too.)

And now for this segment, a quick dedication
To thirty great years of Band coeducation.
It all started back in the year ’68
When some poor Brown Bandie could not find a date.
So instead of pursuing the street corner strumpet
He sought out the girls who knew how to play trumpet.
He ended his search, he came back with fifty
All playing instruments varied and nifty.
There was May-Betty-Lou on the didgeridoo,
And Lola-Lee-Looka who played the kazoo.
On afuge-cabasa, twas Sue-Patty-Lee,
And a Fluble horn handled by Ellen Marie.
Watch now as the Band toots away on their horns
And forms a large B for the Brown Women Born.

(Band forms B, plays BMB.)

That’s all for today, so we’ll now be bye-byein’
Join us next week as we take on the Lions.

(…And we step off to Ever True.)

---

Brown 10 versus Columbia 3
Saturday, November 21, 1998

Pregame

Senoritas y senores, amigos y graduados, presentemente una organizacion que le gusta tocarse, es el Brown Universidad "Bandito" Banda!

(Banda corre sobre el campo.)

Esta manana, la Banda viajo por Columbia. Sin embargo, nos preguntamos que era una viaje bastante rapido, y…what? Columbia University? In New York? Ohhh! No wonder we didn’t have to take a boat or a plane! Um. Well, yeah. Let’s play some music now.

Watch now as the band forms an oblate spheroid and plays "NFL on Fox."

(Band forms a football, plays that. And "In the Fray." And forms a B somewhere, I guess. Usual spiel.)

Halftime

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and Columbia sports columnists, presenting an organization that caused the recent drop in the stock market, it’s the Brown University "Antichrist" Band!

(Band attacks the field.)

To the Editor:

It has recently come to my attention that the Brown University quote-unquote Band will be playing at today’s football game, and I just want to make it clear that I’m offended. I say we cancel today’s game. Forfeit. Award the victory to Brown, just to keep their godforsaken band off the field. Come to think of it, how can a fine institution such as Brown even consider calling itself by the color that the band wears? For that matter, how can we even stand to live in America, seeing as how the band plays our national anthem? Let’s blow up this planet! It’s where the band lives. Well, so long. I have to go to my tone-deaf dog’s recital.

Sincerely,

Dan Gati.

Thanks, Dan. We appreciate your quote-unquote criticism. But we have one question: do football players go to job interviews dressed as they are for football games?

Watch now as the Band forms a quote-unquote band and plays a school spirit quote-unquote song to enliven the quote-unquote crowd.

(Band forms amorphous blob with quotation marks around it, and plays "Brown Cheering Song.")

OK, OK. By now, you’ve ALL heard about the Brown grad student who tried to poison his ex-girlfriend with radioactive iodine. But frankly, we don’t see why people are making such a big deal about it. Heck, people poison each other with radioactive iodine all the time at Columbia. You just don’t notice, since the entire New York metropolitan area is radioactive. So please, get a half-life! Besides, we can think of better ways to kill OUR lovers. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Brown Band proudly presents…(drumroll)…Fifty ways to kill your lover! Here are the top six:

Watch now as the Band forms a bottle of radioactive iodine and contaminates the field by playing "Spill Out."

(Band forms bottle, spills radioactive iodine on the field, and plays "Sell Out.")

We now interrupt this halftime show for a commercial break.

Hi. I’m Senator Al D’Amato, and I’m here to talk about an exciting new product for the people of New York. Are you tired of the stench of polluted air and water? Too lazy to get off the couch and do something about it? Well, who needs the EPA, anyway? Not us! Instead, try my new deodorant, Columbia Roll-On! Just spread some on, and you’ll never have to notice pollution again!

New Jersey may be the nation’s armpit, but New York needs Columbia Roll-On!

Watch now as the Band forms a B, for blighted beaches, and plays "Garbage Bag Time."

(Band forms B, plays "Ragtime.")

That’s all for today. Join us next week as the Band takes on its final exams. As for football, see you next year!

RUN AWAY!!

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