Brown 52 at Yale 14
Saturday, September 20, 1997

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, secret society members, and all you members of the New Haven Local #369 Papparazzi Trade Union, presenting an organization that runs the tightest band in the banding business, it's the Brown University 3rd day air track BAND!

[Band strikes out onto field]

The recent opening of a strip club less than a bone's throw away from the Yale campus has been the cause of a major uproar. We in the Brown Band, however, believe that it should be viewed as a positive thing. Why? Well, it gives Yalies plenty of interesting, er, internship opportunities. Not to mention that it's certain to increase Yale's national, or at least local, exposure. Plus it gives us a chance to get back at you guys for all those Heidi Mattson jokes.

Another addition to the New Haven business scene is the Image Tattoo Parlor. Locals were reassured that it was going to be a clean and sanitary business, but are still concerned over rumors that Image plans to hire a recently out-of-work celebrity to do their ear piercings-- [beat] Mike Tyson.

Watch now as the Brown Band forms an artifact of Iron Mike's handicraft and plays "Championship (Deferred)" aka "I Coulda Been The Champ if it Weren't for That Chomp."

[Band forms ear with missing chunk, plays "Championship"]

On the legal front, several Yale students are planning on suing the University because the co-ed housing situation violates their religion. This has inspired several other Yale student groups to file their own suits:

In fact, in a recent poll 90% of Yale students said that as far as housing goes, they envy the Russian Cosmonauts up on MIR, even though the station is losing valuable components faster than Paula Jones is losing lawyers.

Watch now as the Band forms the MIR space station and plays "Entropy Forevermore."

[Band forms MIR, plays #3, "Brown Forevermore." During the song, MIR gradually falls apart until nothing but a cloud of dust is left.]

The Yale administration recently refused a sizeable donation from Seinfeld's Kramer to endow a chair in Bursting Into Rooms Unannounced Studies. The Brown Band had not been aware that Kramer was a Yalie, but we're not terribly surprised, as he certainly looks the part.

On the subject of celebrities, Claire Danes has decided to attend Yale [beat] at some point in the distant future. Danes' last role as Juliet in the recent Shakespeare remake, which was set in a bleak, apocalyptic urban nightmare, was probably good preparation for life in New Haven. Contrary to popular belief, though, Daines will not put her career on hold while at Yale, but will instead start filming a new documentary series-- "My So-Called University."

Watch now as the Brown Band forms Danes' greatest asset (and we're not talking acting ability here folks) and looks forward to our next visit to Yale in two years, by which time we fully expect that she will be a member of the illustrious Skull & Bones Society.

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Time Warp."]

Join us next week when the Brown Bears take on Lafayette at home, rather than going all the way to France. For now, watch as the Brown Band once again flushes itself down the Yale Bowl.

[Band runs around in a circle, spiraling inward and finally funneling off the field.]

Brown 35 vs. Lafayette 27
Saturday, September 27, 1997

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that has recently accepted a large anonymous donation from an anonymous donor who wishes that his name remain unknown, it's the Brown University Turner Network Corporation Band!

[Band performs corporate takeover of field]

[Band forms football, plays "Championship"]

OK, so maybe we're not exactly the UN, but at least as far as fundraising goes we make sure our vice president keeps his hands clean. That didn't stop Janet Reno however from appointing a Special Prosecutor to investigate our Script Committee. Hey, good luck! Not even we know exactly who they are and where they come up with this stuff.

[Band forms "B" and plays "Brown Cheering Song"]

[Band plays National Anthem on cue (?)]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization with a three pack a day habit, it's the Brown University "Uncommonly Smooth" BAND!

[Band smokes onto field]

Brown Student Agencies announced at the beginning of this year that they would start selling cigarettes in Faunce House. Rumor has it that this is soon to be followed by the opening of a liquor store in List Art Center, a new Guns ‘N' Ammo Emporium at the Sarah-Doyle Women's Center, and a stockpile of discount weapons-grade Plutonium in University Hall. BSA claims that their decision was motivated by their concern that addicted students were being price-gouged by local convenience stores with a monopoly. Apparently, BSA was also concerned by the threat to their own monopoly-- [beat] on price gouging. We can only wonder if next on their agenda might be taking on that guy with the dreadlocks who hangs out in front of Store 24.

Watch now as the band staves off a nic-fit and takes you where the flavor is.

[Band forms a cigarette, plays "Hold On, I'm Coming"]

This is the part of the show where we ordinarily make fun of the opposing team's school. The only problem is, we know nothing about Lafayette except that the name sounds vaguely French. Mind you, we can make jokes about France until the cows come home, but really what's the point?

So we figured that instead maybe you could tell us some jokes for a change.

[Silence]

C'mon, just stand up and belt one right out.

[(A moment of) Silence (for the Titanic)]

Anybody? Aaaanybody?

OK, fine! Watch now as the band forms a little teeny college on a hill and serenades you once again.

[Band forms Lafayette and plays "In The Fray"]

On the International front, the United States is one of the few countries who chose not to sign the recent treaty banning land mines. President Clinton is on record explaining that he doesn't want to agree to the treaty until our military is done exploring (and I quote) "Other alternatives."

In an effort to bring the US into compliance, the Brown Band has the following suggestions for alternatives:

Watch now as we form the ideal solution and play "Every Landmine Needs Somebody to Maim."

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Everybody . . . "]

Next week Bruno travels to the Bronx to fight Fordham. We won't be there because we have to wash our hair. Join us in two weeks however when Brown tackles the tigers on home turf.

[Band marches off to #1]

Brown 13 vs. Princeton 30
Saturday, October 11, 1997

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and Princeton first-years, presenting an organization that has switched to a flat-fee unlimited band access, it's the Brown University "You've Got Mail!" BAND!

[Band charges in from sidelines, slows suddenly to a crawl]

We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by while we install more bandwidth.

[Band forms a football, plays "Championship"]

Watch now as the band proudly salutes the battle between New York and New Jersey for Ellis Island, Marv Albert taking a bite out of [beat] crime, the joy of actually having a home stadium, the joy of living in the Grad Center (glug, glug), barbecued beanie babies, the kitchen sink, Marvel Comics' new superhero, Jersey Girl, and Catherine the Great and the horse she rode in on (and vice versa) by forming the SINGLE, NON-ROTATING "B!"

[Band forms plain ol' "B" and plays "In the Phray"]

[Band plays national anthem]

[Band marches off to "Ever True"]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and Princeton first-years, WARNING The following halftime show contains:

[Band charges onto field screamin' like the day it was born]

The Brown Band was quite saddened to learn that the recent negotiations to bring the New England Patriots to Providence fell through. This will surely put a dent in plans for urban renewal because, frankly, what downtown Providence really needs is more traffic jams. We understand that, even though it's not really in New England, the Patriots were also considering moving to Princeton. That fell through when it was realized that Princeton didn't have a stadium.

Watch now as the band forms all that's left of Palmer Stadium - polaroids - and plays "Kodachrome."

[Band forms a polaroid and plays "Kodachrome."]

White House documents recently unearthed by the special prosecutor express growing worry that America is being left behind in the pop-diva-secret-agent department-- in short, a Spice Girls gap. The documents go on to propose the formation of the American Spice Girls:

These documents were unsigned but for some mysterious reason were all printed on "From the Desk of the Arkansas Governor" stationery. The documents initially propose that the first American Spice concert take place in Princeton, but that fell through when it was realized that Princeton didn't have a stadium.

Watch now as the band salutes its favorite spice and plays "Salt Forevermore."

[Band forms salt shaker and plays "Brown Forevermore"]

And now the band salutes a Princeton institution, the Educational Testing Service: a for-profit non-profit organization dedicated to the proposition that if somebody finds a way to cheat on one of their tests, it's not their problem. The band managed to get a hold of one of the infamous cheat sheets, here's a sample question:

Now that Fred, the Dunkin' Donuts donut guy, has retired, what is his new slogan?

No, it's not "F." Oh, Fred planned on joining the Princeton Band, but that fell through when he realized that Princeton didn't have a stadium. Watch now as the band forms the correct answer and salutes the donut man by playing "Hot Stuff."

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Hot Stuff"]

Join us next week when the Bears slam the Rams and we try to get the URI band to lighten up a little bit.

[Band marches off field to "Ever True"]

Brown 23 vs. Rhode Island 15
Saturday, October 18, 1997

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization that secretly funded Ralph Nader's election campaign, it's the Brown University "soft money, hard luck" BAND!

[Band charges field from sidelines]

[Band forms Marv Albert's left kidney and plays (What else?) "Championship"]

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Brown Cheering Song"]

[Band chills out for a bit while the teams are introduced and the coin gets flipped]

[Band plays SSB on cue]

Halftime:

[Brown Band conglomerates in southernmost endzone, URI Band blocks up in opposite endzone]

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, presenting an organization [beat] and a disorganization, it's the Brown University and University of Rhode Island Bands!

[Bands run to edge of field]

Sit back and enjoy their Dueling Band Shows.

[Brown Band plays "Dueling Banjos" intro and runs to 15 yard line]

[URI Band responds and runs to 15 yard line]

Two bands walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

[Brown Band plays and runs to 30 yard line]

[URI Band responds and advances]

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

[Brown Band plays intro again and runs to 45 yard line]

[URI Band does the same]

You know, guns don't kill people. It's those darn bullets.

[One last time through the intro-- play and response...]

We might not be done, but we sure are finished.

[Bands form a big huge banjo on the field, play "tutti" section]

Wait, that sounded a little off, you might want to tune your G string.

[Bands play a G, bend it down and up]

That's much better. We should have that banjo tuned by mid-February.

[URI Band marches upfield, Brown Band scatters]

OK, A priest a rabbi and an President-elect Gee. . . oh never mind, you've probably heard that one before. Watch now as the Brown University Band, lead by our Student Conductor Kate Brucher, plays "For Bruno and For Brown."

[Band forms a "B" and plays "For Bruno and For Brown"]

[Brown Band scatters off field, URI Band performs "Tuesday Afternoon." They have their own script.]

[URI Band ends in concert arch facing Brown stands, Brown Band joins formation]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, their feud settled, the bands join forces to battle the audience. Watch now as the combined might of the Brown University and University of Rhode Island Bands pummel you with "Johnny's Mambo" conducted by Brown University Director of Bands Matt McGarrell, with trumpet solo by URI Band Director Don Smith.

[Bands do just that]

Join us next week when Brown takes on Penn State. For now, the bands take leave of you. Of course, we all know which is the best band, but just to prove it they'll be the one marching off the field playing their fight song.

[URI Band about faces, percussion sections roll off, and both bands march in opposite directions playing their respective fight songs]

Brown 10 at Penn 314
Saturday, October 25, 1997

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that needs no introduction, because you'd all be happier if we'd stayed at home, it's the "Yale Precision Marching Band!"

[Band tumbles haphazardly onto field]

So, you guys wanna hear some jokes? Ahhh, who needs jokes? We'll just spend all our time talking about how much we hate Harvard... that makes us laugh! Man those Harvard kids are dumb.

[Band yells "How dumb are they?"]

[snicker] They're just really stupid!

[Band forms a rancid lemon and plays "Championship"]

Watch now as the Failed Incision Marching Bland forms a "B" for bulldogs and borrows a fight song from a school in a REALLY SMALL state! Get it? Rhode Island is SMALL! It'sa laff riot!

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Bring the Victory"]

[Band marches off to #1]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that wonders why it even bothers with a script because you Penn yahoos are gonna be booing us too loud to hear it anyway, it's the Brown University "Hey! Get your foot out of my astroturf!" BAND!

[Band takes to plastic grass]

Recently, the University formerly known as Penn State has found itself the target of a lawsuit. It seems that Penn tried to shut down a nearby pinball arcade and, while such Gestapo tactics might have worked in the days of Ben Franklin, in these litigious times they just don't fly.

Penn's President Rodin even had her day in court, despite her protests that she was too busy sculpting and destroying downtown Tokyo to testify. Or to run a respected university for that matter. Fortunately, her only current obligation in this department is the subpoena.

University Pinball is located across the street from the Penn school of dentistry, and the owners claim that it was not their clientele causing the disturbances, but rather Penn students wigged out on nitrous oxide. In fact, in their lawsuit they claim that their patrons were often scared off by the bloodcurdling screams that were the result of would-be dentists filling the cavities of improperly anaesthetized subjects.

Watch now as the Brown University "Hey! Get your foot out of my mouth!" Band forms a syringe full of novicaine and goes cruising.

[Band forms syringe and plays "Minor Pregame (Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse Theme)"]

The band was saddened to learn that its presence at today's football game would prevent it from attending the Million Woman March. We're sure that the Penn Band is equally if not more saddened, as participation in the march would have earned them three credits.

It seems that everybody is hopping on the march bandwagon these days, and it's not even November! What's next? Keep your eyes peeled for the Million Water Buffalo March next February. For now, watch as the band takes a look back at the Promise Keepers looking back to the stone age and plays "Patriarchy Forevermore" aka "Hey! Get your foot out of my phallocentric dogma!" while forming man's simplest tool. [beat] No, not a Penn student... the wedge!

[Band forms a wedge and plays "Brown Forevermore"]

The band was reading the papers recently and we're shocked, SHOCKED we tell you, to learn that college students drink booze! I tell ya, Woodward and Bernstein have nothing on the intrepid souls responsible for unearthing this revalation. What'll they come up with next?

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

People eat turkey on Thanksgiving!
Sugar causes tooth decay!
Penn student body consists entirely of people wait-listed at Columbia!

For the final word on college drinking we turn to no less than Ben Franklin himself who says:

"We founding fathers never drank too much-- we were too busy growing hemp. Hey! Get your foot out of my beer, Sam Adams!"

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Joshua"]

Join us next week when Brown takes on Cornell at home. Until then, sit back and enjoy the only band in the Ivy League with a corporate sponsorship. Hey! Get your foot out of my tagline!

[Band marches off to #1]

Brown 37 vs. Cornell 12
Saturday, November 1, 1997

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that now has a corner on the world beef jerky market, it's the Brown University "Please pass the parbroiled percussionist" BAND!

[Band runs onto field, forms an oblong kidney stone and plays (take a wild guess...) "Championship"]

The band has been considering a change in its dietary habits-- cannibalism. According to our resident bioculinary expert, the most tender meat comes from long distance runners. The only problem is catching ‘em! Watch now as the Band devours its young.

[Band forms a "B" and plays #4]

[Band plays Spam Speckled Banana on cue]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that dressed as El Niño for Hallowe'en, it's the Brown University "All I got was a rock" BAND!

[Band spooks field]

And as long as we're on the subject of rocks (bear with me, this does get back to rocks), boy are we glad the Cornell game is at home this year. It would've been a real pain to hitch a ride on the Pathfinder to get to ol' Big Red. What I want to know is, is NASA jockeying for sponsors in the automotive industry or something? Pathfinder? Explorer? Yeah, and I bet you thought all those Ford commercials were shot in Australia!

Our resident hacker recently broke into the NASA computer and unearthed secret photographs from the Mars mission revealing [beat] what else? MORE ROCKS! Top Secret Classified rocks which we now reveal to you at great personal risk:

Watch now as the Band forms its favorite -- Schoolhouse Rock -- and regresses.

[Band forms Space Rock (no, not Luna, a real rock!) and plays "Time Warp"]

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni, the Brown University Band is proud to welcome the Lusitana Band!

[Band forms a concert arch, Lusitana Band marches in from visitor-side sideline playing "Oragar"]

The Lusitana Band hails from the Lusitana Youth Club in sunny Cumberland, Rhode Island, which, at 75 years of age, is one of the oldest Portuguese-American social clubs in New England. Watch now as the two bands, conducted by the Lusitana Band's Maestro Joao Soares [Zhao Suarez] plays "Vinho do Porto" [Veenyu du Portu].

[Both bands form bottle, play "Vinho do Porto"]

Smashing dahlinks! And now, Brown University Director of Bands Matt McGarrell will lead the bands in a rendition of "Brown Man Born."

[Both bands form "B" and play "Brown Man Born"]

Be here next week when the Brown Bears bother, bust and bash the braindead babies from beantown and the Band once again welcomes those wacky Big Nazo boys.

[Both bands march off to reprise of Trio from "Vinho do Porto"]

[Brown band plays #1 to stands]

Brown 10 vs. Harvard 27
Saturday, November 8, 1997

I collaborated on this script with Erminio Pinque (I still don't know if that's spelled right), the Big Nazo director, who had the idea of trying to do a War of the Worlds thing... hence if the entire script reads something like a radio drama this is on purpose (and has the dual role of serving as a backup in case the on-field mike didn't work, which fortunately didn't happen). The lines as set down here are really more of a guideline... the on-field portions were mainly ad-libbed.

Also, the final "stage direction" is not entirely accurate... the band actually chased the puppets off the field, not vice versa. - CB '98

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and all you wacky Gates University kids, presenting an organization that's being fined a million dollars a day, it's the Brown University with built-in Java-incompatible Internet Explorer BAND 97!!!

[Band monopolizes field]

[Band forms left hemisphere of a cerebellum and plays (the suspense is killing me!) "Championship"]

Not content to control the software business, Microsoft has expanded in a direction more nauseating even than giving money to Umass Cambridge (if indeed that is possible) with Microsoft Barney, your cuddly math-coprocessor buddy. Why? It could have something to do with the fact that Bill Gates himself has recently whelped. . . can you believe it? I guess some women are just attracted to power and evil-- I mean, how else do you explain Harvard coeds?

[Band forms "B" and plays "Bring the Victory"]

[Band does coin-toss two-step]

[Band plays National Anthem on cue]

Halftime:

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and all you Gates University kids, presenting an organization that can't tell its cerebellum from its medulla, it's the brainiest band in the world (or at least this stadium) THE BROWN UNIVERSITY SPLIT-BRAIN BAND!

[Band lobotomizes field]

Announcer: Oh wait, this just handed to me. There have been unconfirmed reports of spacecraft sightings in the Providence area. Local authorities urge residents to remain calm and insist that rumors of strange brain-eating creatures running loose in the area of the Brown stadium are completely without basis in fact. Now back to our regularly scheduled program of musical entertainment.

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Brown Bear"]

Announcer: Look at this ladies and gentlemen, the Brown Bear and his trainer Mr. Moto are approaching center field to make a special announcement.

Quasi Moto: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the half-time show. My name is Mr. Moto and I'll make this short since my head has been mistaken for a football in past games. I'm the trainer of the Brown Bear. I tamed him from a raging wild beast and taught him the poise and charm he exhibits today. This afternoon, in an effort to coerce the rain gods into giving us some sunshine, I'm going to light the Brown Bear on fire as he performs triple flips across the field.

Announcer: It seems as if we're in for a real treat today: the Brown Bear performing triple flips across the soggy field as the Brown Band bursts into song! But wait-- something appears to be holding things up-- no matches! Uh oh-- and now unauthorized persons are rushing across the field--

[Leslie Putzbuckle, Smego, and the "Scarlet Bear" run across field to Microphone]

Leslie: You call this a half-time show? This is stupid, wet, and boring!

Quasi Moto: Who the heck are you?

Leslie: I'm Leslie Putzbuckle. I'm the Captain of Harvard's alternative cheerleading squad. I'm a twirler, a mud wrestler, a baton swallower and an Animal trainer! As a matter of fact, I'd like to introduce Harvard's new Mascot, ‘the Scarlet Bear!'

Announcer: This is highly unusual-- the Harvard cheerleading captain has interrupted the Brown Band's half-time show to introduce Harvard's new bear-mascot!

Leslie: C'mon boy, don't be shy Scarlet Bear. Ha! You call that mangely brown mascot-thing of yours a bear? He looks more like a rabid hamster. I think there's only room for one bear at this game. Sick ‘em boy!

[Bears fight]

Announcer: Is seems as if the Bears are not getting along to well! This is going to be a fight to the finish!

Quasi Moto: Perhaps some music will soothe the beasts!

[Band Plays Deconstruct, Mass Mayhem]

[Mass mayhem consisted of: Quasi Moto singing opera, our picolo player being hit on the head with a giant hammer, police officers running onto the field to separate the bears, and the aforementioned brain-eating aliens appearing and trying to devour our sousaphone player, among other things -BC.]

Announcer: Unbelievable! Monsters, police, two bears! Who will win control of this half-time show!

[Harvard Assistant Coach Joseph Baloney charges across the field]

Announcer: Wait-- what's this? It's the Harvard Assistant Coach Joseph Baloney! He's running across the field to make an announcement.

Coach: Stop this, stop everything, time out, foul! You people can't do this to our head cheerleader and mascot! Look, it's raining, these bears smell bad, I think we should stop here and everybody go home. Harvard wins by default. Something bad is going down here and I don't want to be around when it does!

[Coach gets pantsed, Brown Band plays "Fire," mass mayhem recommences]

Announcer: And there you have it folks, another half-time fiasco! Special thanks to the Big Nazo puppet troupe! Join us next week when the band heads to Hanover to meet the meese, or the mooses, or the whatever the heck they're calling themselves at Dartmouth these days. Byeeeeeeeeee!

[Band runs off field chased by aliens]

Brown 7 at Dartmouth 13
Saturday, November 15, 19977

Interesting weekend we just survived (and we did JUST survive)... The Dartmouth Athletic Department wouldn't let either band onto the field, so all shows were performed in the stands as best as could be managed, the visiting stands were closed down due to the snow, so the Band and all the Brown fans had to sit in the home stands mere inches from rabid Dartmouth fans, the Brown Bear got pelted with snowballs, the Band was also snowballed and even taunted by eight-year-olds.

The Dartmouth script, running counter to form, was actually witty (as written by our own Craig Wenzel's older brother) but true to form included a lame top-ten list. I'd been considering including a "Top Ten Reasons We Don't Do Top Ten Lists" (#1 being: We don't want to be mistaken for the DCMB) in our show this year but didn't because top ten lists are a crime against nature unless Letterman does them himself.

Oh yeah, the game. Needless to say, the refs won't have any trouble paying for their kids' braces... Green is the color of payoffs! - CB '98

Portions in curly brackets ({}) cut due to time constraints
Portions in at signs (@@) censored

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that blasphemes with impunity, it's the Brown University Manichean Heresy BAND!

[Band sanctifies field]

[Band forms the all-seeing eye of God and plays some song about football or another]

Last week's once-millenial elections for supreme being of the Western-paradigm cosmos were once again clinched in a landslide by Jehovah, God of Abraham. His only opponent, a shoebox salesman from Kalamazoo, Michigan named Chuck Demiurge was running on a platform of milk and honey in every pot and a locust in every garage. He was making a good show in the polls. However, on election day all his supporters mysteriously slept in. Said Demiurge, "I really didn't foresee all the obstacles involved in running against an omnipotent incumbent."

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Brown Bear"]

[Band marches off field in the "B" playing #1]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that has just had its conviction reduced to involuntary manslaughter, it's the Brown University "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" BAND!

[Band shakes, rattles, and slams onto field]

We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Oh wait, sorry. It has recently been brought to our attention that you people resent all the sheep jokes. Maybe it hits a little too close to home . . . perfectly understandable. I mean, we can make sheep jokes till the cows come home @for example, did you hear the one about the Dartmouth student with insomnia? He had a visual aid!@ but we certainly aren't limited to that. There are plenty of other things we can make fun of you for. OK, what's been going on on campus recently? Nothing? Then what do you do with your time? We know you don't bother studying. Oh, that's right!

[Band forms beer bottle and plays "Everybody Needs Somebody..."]

{Of course, we really shouldn't make too much fun of Dartmouth, I mean, just look at all the great stuff it's given us:

BASIC, @Dinesh D'Souza,@ [Beat], [Beat]

Hmm, actually there really isn't all that much, is there?

Watch now as the Band salutes everything Dartmouth has done for Western Culture.

[Band forms a null set and plays #2]}

{Speaking of Western Culture,} On the political front, we in America have recently been graced and blessed with the presence of a visiting dictat- er, dignitary from China. Watch now as the Band salutes the historic occasion of Jiang in America by playing an excerpt from Nixon in China.

[Band plays a (pentatonic) scale over and over and over and over and over... ]

Oh no! They've gotten stuck. We need something to jar them out of it. Hey Band, imagine four years in Hanover!

[Band plays jarringly dissonant chord (concert F's and B naturals)]

Sorry about that, Band. At least I didn't make you imagine paying for it!

[Band screams in terror]

Our agent says we should play what our audience wants to hear. Unfortunately we don't have any arrangements of Dave Matthews Band or any other soulless whiteboy funk. You'll have to deal with real soul for now.

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Hold On I'm Coming"]

Join us next week back in civilization when we can stop screaming in the wilderness and start screaming at the urban lions of Columbia. For now, sit tight for the malodorous marching of the DU- I mean the DCMB.

[Band marches off to #1]

Brown 42 vs. Columbia 11
Saturday, November 22, 19977

The idea to write a show in verse was suggested to me at the 1996 Ivy Band Conference by the Columbia Band's Chief Scribe, who had done it the year before. At the beginning of this year, I went to the Columbia Band's webpage and read their verse script only to discover that, although it was all in rhymed couplets, it regularly switched meters. So, in order to make the idea my own I decided to use blank verse-- iambic pentameter of course. And, of course, it would have to be for the Columbia game.

The game itself wasn't too terribly interesting. It was cold. It was wet. We creamed 'em. After our half-time show we had the transfer of power ceremony, meaning that I'm no longer president of the Brown Band. I'm also no longer Script Chair. I've decided to resign and let someone else take over for the few shows we do second semester. It's been a good... three years!? have I really been writing these suckers that long? Well,  here's my swan song: - CB '98

(portions in curly brackets ({}) cut due to timing issues or Senior absence)

Pregame:

Alumni, Ladies, gentlemen and friends
Today to prick your fancy we present
The only group on campus with the guts
To say out loud "We gotcher Spam© right HERE!"

THE BROWN UNIVERSITY BAND!

[Enter BAND]

[BAND forms football (AKA the Circle of Fifths after one fifth too many), sounds sporting fanfare]

Today arrives the last game of the Fall
And so there are some seniors who this day
Their final time do stride upon this field
To make you laugh, their instruments to play
For soon the Wickle gates by snapping shut
From Iv'ry tower bliss will sever them.
So now comes time to laud them to the gods
And sing truncated sonnets to those sods.

[BAND forms champagne glass]

Zach Litvack plays percussion for our band
His dad produces television shows
By end of year diploma in his hand
He'll stay in Brunoland. How long? Who knows?
For our beloved bandmate Zachary
Now and forever is P. L. M. E.

[Sound fanfare]

And new this year: James Todd, our figurehead.
He joined the band to brandish his big stick.
Not just drum major, think of him instead
‘Sthe fellow seeing that one "Kathy" chyk.
In four years was he loath to graduate
So stayed a fifth just for the steady date.

[fanfare]

Sweet sister Susan Huang conducts our band,
And in the time left over toots the flute.
She summons music with her gest'ring hand
And when she stops the whole band does fall mute.
Or so the theory goes, though I must say:
The band does sometimes have the odd off day.

[fanfare]

{Another senior: Jenn from the wood Green
She is forsooth a lusty, buxom lass
So for our band she plays the tambourine
And shows us all that she's got quite some [beat] class.
And no doubt when she leave these ivied walls,
The world will see she's got quite a set of teeth.}

[fanfare]

Hail to the chief! Bob Chapman is his name,
For two terms as the prez he ruled our crew.
A bandie likely destined for great fame
He is the smartest and best looking too.
Oh and before I just forget to say:
He wrote the very script you hear today.

So don't complain his ego is too loud
For writing one more stanza based on him.
Of writing scripts in verse he is quite proud,
And when he graduates it is his whim
To follow Matson's footsteps left and right
And _Ivy Leaguer Slacker_ quickly write.

[fanfare]

So wish good luck t'our seniors all and one.
We hope four years in band have all been fun.
Wish good luck to our seniors one and all!
We hope they're not all homeless [beat] by next Fall.

[followed by songs of patriotic nature]

Halftime:

Alumni, Ladies, Gentlemen and friends
Today for your amusement we present
A group that has its eyes set on Iraq
Cos we're da bomb. . .

THE BROWN UNIVERSITY BAND!

[Enter BAND]

Comparisons are odious, ‘tis true,
But after seeing that last band in blue
Suspect do I that you will think this way:
"Zounds! Odious new meaning found today."

And so our mission stands now to compare
The Rotten Apple with out own towne fair.

The Pawxatucket River is no gem,
However in comparison you'll find
Next to the Hudson ‘tis like Evian
With crystal waters glist'ning in the sun.

There's something rotten in the state of New York!

{The band in blue, if rumor doesn't lie,
Once tripped and fell into the Hudson foul.
Although the tale sounds tall to my trained ears,
It cert'nly would explain a thing or two.
An ancient mystery at last is solved:
THAT'S what befell the powder-blue clad crew!
An ancient mystery at last is solved:
THAT'S why the lion looks more like a Smurf!}

So now the Band salutes a waterway,
Which unlike the New York Times is still quite grey,
By forming fast a water molecule
And playing "Smells Like Diesel Engine Fuel."

[BAND forms dihydrogen oxide, plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit"]

Now to us it would come as no surprise
If that C-U-M-B did dis' our burg.
They seem to be obsessed, forsooth, with size
And pointing out a fact that we all learned
Back in our kindergarten days with maps
But seems to some a revalation new:
Rhode Island is, in truth, the smallest state,
But I knew that already, didn't you?

We're sure they didn't mean to be so mean,
They're all just homesick for their own home scene,
So now the Band forms South America
And plays sweet soothing music for those Smurfs.

[Band forms South America and plays #4]

Providence, for all it is divine,
Does have a few things less than optimal.
The local cops are no great miracle
Those meter maids, however, never tire!
Our Money Man and our Vice President
Last week ten tickets did accumulate
between them which they now must quickly pay--
The BOOT awaits their cars if they are late.
The Denver Boot our topic now becomes:
We hate those ugly yellow tire clams.
Which is to say we all do knock the boots,
And so this is the subject for our band.

[BAND forms a boot and momentarily ponders playing "I Hear You Knocking But You Can't Come In" before launching into "All Day & All of the Night"]

The sponsor for the Brown Band's halftime show,
Is Shakespeare Beer, the beer that shakes your Globe.

See you all next football season!

[Exit BAND, playing #1]