Brown 0 vs. Yale 30
Saturday, September 21, 1996

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, presenting an organization that can dance the Macarena better than Al Gore, it's the Brown University "hey watch it, that was my foot!" Band!

[Band (light on its feet) enters from sideline, forms football]

[Band plays "NFL Today"]

And now the band will do its impression of a Bulldog drinking out of the Yale Bowl.

[Band forms "Y," plays "Bulldogs, Bulldogs". . . bottom of "Y" splits off and forms an "o" next to it, spelling "Yo"]

Welcome to another exciting year of Brown football!

[Band forms "B," plays #3]

[Band plays #1, marches off field]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, presenting the only organization that quotes Kierkegaard more often than President Gregorian, it's the Brown University "sound of one hand clapping" Band!

[Band philosophically strides onto field]

Recently the band has been pondering the meaning of life. We are sure we are not alone in this however, as the Yale Band probably wonders whether their lives have any meaning every day. Nonetheless we have set out on a search for the answers to life's imponderables, like:

First we sought for answers at the traveling Smithsonian exhibit which has stopped in Providence. Unfortunately, there is a long list of things we didn't find there. Here are some of them:

Watch now as the band forms the dialectic play of thesis and antithesis and plays "Hegel's Mambo."

[Band forms diagram of Hegel's dialectic and plays "Johnny's Mambo"]

Next we tried to find meaning in so-called extreme sports. Unfortunately we learned that next year's Extreme Games will be taking place in New Haven. While the Extreme Games in Providence included such events as street luge and synchronized bungee-jumping, the New Haven Extreme Games will have bullet dodging, getting food at a dining hall, the mugger slalom, and having a grad student grade your term paper.

Another philosophical question that has plagued us recently is the epistemological problem of Yale's existence. [pause] While there seems to be plenty of evidence to support it we believe there is ample room for doubt. True, our last two presidents claim to be Yale graduates, but their respective performances in office suggest a complete lack of education. This does not prove that Yale doesn't exist, however, because it is consistent with the level of academic rigor supposedly found there. Watch now as the band forms John Rawls' veil of ignorance and plays "Subjective Man Born."

[Band forms veil and plays "Brown Man Born"]

Plagued with uncertainty, we finally made a journey to aromatic New Haven to see for ourselves. Our experience there was reminiscent of a trip to the movie theatre. The streets were like the aftermath of a Twister: maybe the aliens from Independence Day blew up New Haven and nobody noticed. In any case we all had to show Courage Under Fire because the lifestyle was straight out of Trainspotting. For a while we thought it would be a Mission: Impossible ever to Escape From New Haven, but we did finally reach the spot of the alleged university only to find what appeared to be a penitentiary of some sort. Watch now as the Brown Band presents the Yale Jail as Jericho in hopes that the house of cards that is its reputation will soon come crumbling down.

[Band forms big wall and plays "Joshua"]

[Band forms "B" during following latin gibberish]

QED: Quando erat demonstrandum. Cogito ergo sum. Quid pro quo. Ex post facto. Arma virumque cano. In java speramus. Semper ubi sub ubi. And in conclusion, we suspect that Yale University is actually a large-scale hoax perpetrated by either the CIA, the Illuminati, or the well known super-secret society Skull and Bones. [one member of the band discreetly leaves the formation and walks off the field] Join us next week to see the band braves the killer-mosquito infested wilds of Southern Rhode Island when the bears take on URI. Until then, we would like to join the humane society in reminding you to have your Bulldog spayed or neutered.

[Band marches off field playing #1]

Brown 27 at Princeton 23
Saturday, October 12, 1996

(We won, because we won, because we won, because we won...)

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, presenting an organization that traveled South in search of the New World and found New Jersey instead, it's the Brown University "Garden, what garden?" Band!

[Band discovers field, forms football, plays "NFL Today"]

No less an authority than one-time resident Albert Einstein once called Princeton "A quaint ceremonious village of puny demigods on stilts." Watch now as the Brown University Relativistic Band salutes puny demigods everywhere by forming a pair of stilts and playing the Brown Apotheosis Song.

[Band forms pair of stilts and plays #2]

And now for the single non-rotating "B." Deal with it.

[Band forms "B," plays "Brunonia as we go Marching"]

[Band plays #1, marches off field]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae:

Tyger tyger glowing soft
With your whiskers held aloft
What incompetent tooth or knee
Left you stuck in New Jersey?

And on whose economic advice
Did Tony slash his cereal's price?
Eenie meenie miney moe
Catch a tyger by the toe.

In what distant turnpike skies
Burns the residue of McDonald's fries?
What gas company do we have to thank
For putting a tyger in our tank?

That William Blake what a nutty guy
Who else would try to rhyme symmetry with eye?
Maybe it was his immortal hand
that framed the BROWN UNIVERSITY BAND!

[Band pounces onto field]

The Brown Band can't even begin to express its pleasure to be performing at the College of New Jersey, especially as a show of solidarity against our fellow Ivy Leaguers who are selfishly trying to rob you of your name. It is truly absurd to think that anybody would ever confuse Princeton and the College of New Jersey. In fact, anybody who made that kind of mistake would have to be a complete and utter. . . What? Oh. . . never mind!

Watch now as the band forms New Jersey and plays "Time Warp" to give me time to think up some Princeton jokes.

[Band forms New Jersey, plays "Time Warp"]

As the OJ Simpson case finds a ghoulish new life in civil court, the band can't help but be reminded of such ghoulish, parasitic creatures as vampires, zombies, Kato Caelin, and deans in charge of housing. Upon viewing the architecture at Princeton, we can hardly imagine a location more suited for any of the above mentioned creatures. We can only imagine, however, that a vampire at Princeton would demand that his victim had a martini before he drank their blood.

Watch now as the Brown University Anemic Band does its salute to bloodsuckers everywhere by forming a straw and playing the "In The Neck."

[Band forms straw and plays "In The Fray"]

Guess what kids? SAT time is coming up! In honor of Princeton, home of ETS, we would like to present a standardized test refresher course:

Ludicrous Lubricant and Celibate Syllabus are examples of:

Watch now as the band forms the correct answer and salutes the SATs, as the scores go plummeting down.

[Band forms a "B" and plays "Joshua"]

Join us next week when the Brown Bears play Fordham at home and the Brown Band goes pigeon hunting.

[Band plays #1, marches off field]

Brown 27 vs. Fordham 14
Saturday, October 19, 1996

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, and kids, presenting an organization that’s putting its money on Barney in the upcoming battle of the PBS stars because a dinosaur can beat any bird, no matter how big it is, it’s the Brown University "C" is for cookie, that’s good enough for me Band!

[Band storms field, forms football, plays NFL Today]

Quote for the day: "When I was younger, I could remember everything, whether it happened or not." -Mark Twain

[Band forms "B" plays #3]

[Band marches off to #1]

Halftime:

(or, The Band Sells Out)

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, Dean Shaw’s family, and all the Shaw’s Family Day families, presenting an organization with absolutely no street cred, it’s the Brown University Sellout Band!

[Band charges field (on Visa or Mastercard)]

Last season, if you recall, the Brown Band, out of a heartfelt love for the product, did a halftime show salute to Nantucket Nectars, which led Tom & Tom to supply us with a years supply of their fine drink. Since then, many other companies have approached us offering enormous sums for endorsements. Of course we refused. While some people get their Kix making money, we take no Joy in the rising Tide of crass commercialism and hope that it has already reached its Zenith. We prefer to Bounce back, remain Spic’N’Span, even though the Bounty offered is often quite Brawny. We hope you will all Cheer us on in our effort to remain true to our art.

Speaking of our art, watch now as the band forms a PEZ dispenser and salutes disco.

[Band forms PEZ dispenser, plays "Hot Stuff"]

OK, you found us out. It was actually the Brown Band disguised as Roberto Alomar who hocked a loogie on that umpire. It really was the Brown Band who tripped Bob Dole on his way to the podium. It was in fact the Brown Band who stole the world’s largest ball of lint from the Smithsonian. It was really the Brown Band who suspended a first-grader for sexual harassment. It was indeed the Brown Band with Sandy Duncan in that commercial for Spam-flavored Wheat Thins. The Brown Band does sit too close to the television. The Brown Band even replaced the T-shirts being launched into the crowd with its own dirty laundry. In fact, the Brown Band followed in Dave Letterman’s footsteps by marketing its own Brown Band Brand Canned Ham. It’s priced low enough so that you can buy it even if you ordinarily can’t afford ham.

Watch now as the Brown Band brings home the bacon and plays "Bring the Profit"

[Band forms dollar sign, plays "Bring the Victory"]

At this point we were considering a joke about the presidential election. Then we realized something. The elction isn’t funny. It’s not exciting. It’s really just plain depressing. Rather than considering a choice between Bob Dole and Bill Clinton, we will concentrate on more uplifting things, like the inevitable heat death of the universe, jagged little twit Alannis Morisette’s ascent to the top of the pop charts, and the Russian astronauts indefinately stranded on the space station Mir because Russia can’t afford to get them down. Isn’t that better. If that fails you can just be glad the Brown Band isn’t an a capella group.

[Band attempts to sing]

[Band forms "B" plays "Barefootin’"]

Brown 27 vs. Pennsylvania 21
Saturday, October 26, 1996

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that just cleaned its room for the first time this year, it’s the Brown University "You got what pierced?!" Band!

[Band enters field, forms football, plays (what else?) "NFL Today"]

Possibly the greatest writer of our time, the infinitely gifted Michael Crichton, is currently working on a sequel to his cinematic masterpiece Twister. Word on the street is that it’s going to be called Quaker. Everybody Polka! Watch now as the Brown University Biergarden Band does an Oedipus maneuver and attempts to polka your eyes out.

[Band forms "B", plays "Brown Bear"]

[Band marches off to #1]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, freshman mothers and fathers (and their parents), presenting an organization that doesn’t wear anything under its kilt, but boy does that wool itch, it’s the Brown University "I am Elrod T. Snidley of the clan Snidley" Band!

[Nothing happens]

Uh... Band?

[Entire band yells "There can be only one!" and runs onto field]

With the prospect of election day looming ever closer, the Brown Band is proud to announce that we’ve discovered a viable alternative: The Mascot Party. Their slate of candidates includes newly unemployed Olympics mascot Whatizzy for president and the Brown Band’s own faithful mascot Elrod T. Snidley for veep. Snidley is returning to politics after several years’ absense following his narrow defeat in the election for Brown Student Council President.

Izzy and Snidley have been running on a platform of equal rights for mascots. If you have any problems with this concept, please discuss them with the bear. Watch now as the band forms a ballot with a write-in vote and plays "Izzy’s Mambo."

[Band forms ballot, plays "Johnny’s Mambo"]

Hold onto your haggis ladies and gentlemen, at this time the Brown University Band is pleased to welcome the Rhode Island Highlanders!

[Band forms arch, highlanders march in playing "Scotland the Brave." Band joins them the second time through]

[Highlanders play "Amazing Grace" three times through, band joins in second and third times]

Join us next week in Meehan Auditorium for the Men’s Hockey season opener against Harvard, then again in two weeks time when Brown Football follows them to their unspeakable lair in Cambridge.

[Highlanders march off playing #1... Band follows them off also playing #1]

Join us next week when the Bears pummel Penn and the band welcomes the Rhode Island Highlanders. There'll be bagpipes aplenty!

[Band plays #1, marches off field]

Brown 31 at Harvard 7
Saturday, November 9, 1996

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and Harvard students, presenting an organization that needs all that fertilizer for gardening. . . honestly! All our hydroponics equipment was confiscated during the moratorium! It’s the Brown University-- Hey, wait a second, whose purple backpack is that?

[Band flees endzone screaming, leaving a purple backpack behind]

It’s really great to be performing once again at UMass Cambridge, you’re all beautiful people. Anybody here from out of town? We really hope our show doesn’t bomb. We want you to like us-- so here’s a present for you. Watch out though, the postmark is from somewhere in Montana.

[Band forms package, plays "Vehicle"]

Watch now, ladies and gentlemen, as the Brown Band spontaneously combusts.

[Package explodes]

If somebody wants something strongly enough, in certain situations they seek to sell their soul to Satan. At Harvard they don’t place stock in such silliness, but they do have the next best thing-- groveling to Gates.

It might have come to some as a surprise how Harvard garnered a healthy bequest from Bill for their new building, leaving a once-mighty university on its knees to a modern-day Mephistopheles. We may even wonder: How hard up was Harvard to go to Goethe and unfurl the Faust flag? It certainly wasn’t out of a thirst for knowledge (this is, after all, Harvard we’re talking about).

More likely it was one of the seven deadly sins: We suspect that the Crimsons envied Brown, although they were not driven (as one might suspect) by envy for Brown’s renowned Computer Science department, but rather by Harvard’s hankering to have a big ugly hole in the ground of their very own. That fraud Freud never mentioned anything about crater envy, but it has been the downfall of many a virtuous university.

Watch now, ladies and gentlemen, as the Brown University Microsoft Band forms a great big hole in the ground and plays the Crater Envy Polka.

[Band forms big-ass hole in the ground, plays "Brown Bear"]

This year marks John Keats’ 200th anniversary, and the Brown Band’s crack team of literary historians has recently unearthed a previously unknown collaboration between John Keats and John Harvard. It turns out that it was the two Johns working together who wrote the little-known masterpiece “Commode on a Grecian Urn.” The lyric deals with a Greek vase being brought to the Peabody Museum by a Harvard student. Tragedy strikes when the student tries to take the train and ends up drowning because he never needed to use the library.

Watch now as the still unravished Band of Brown University, foster children of volume and cut time, salute Keats by forming John’s urn and playing "Birthday."

[Band forms urn, plays "Birthday"]

Join us next week when Brown plays Dartmouth and the band unveils its giant pair of maracas.

Brown 24 vs. Dartmouth 27
Saturday, November 16, 1996

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, presenting an organization that promises no sheep jokes or triple your money back, it’s the Brown University Shear Madness Band!

[Band is herded onto field, forms football and plays "NFL Today"]

[Band forms champagne glass, as bandies are mentioned band plays "Bits ‘n’ Pieces" and bandies run to the top as "bubbles"]

As this is the last home game of the season, we would like to take this chance to honor the senior members of the Brown Band who are here with us for their last time today.

First there’s Kathleen Attfield. She’s from West Virginia, but we love her anyway. Just be glad that we’re playing for more than five people.

Next we have Mike Radwin. You’ll just have to trust me when I say he looks better in a skirt. If he can’t get a job at MicroSoft, Mike looks forward to employment as the next posterboy for Zima.

Finally we have Arik Zwirner... finally because his name is the last on any conceivable alphabetical list. Just remember folks, [a la Arnold Schwarzenneger in "Kindergarten Cop"] It’s NOT a tuba!

And so we bid them good luck in whatever they may attempt. May the wind always be at their backs, or at least keep them well downwind. All joking aside, they serve as reminders of what will happen to to the rest of us when we too accumulate thirty credits. Maybe suddenly Grad School isn’t looking like such a bad idea after all.

[Band forms "B," plays "Bring the Victory"]

[Band marches off to #1]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumnae, presenting an organization that changes platforms every four years, it’s the Brown University "Memento Moratorium" BAND!

[Band integrates field]

After considering numerous possibilities for this week’s show, including musical salutes to topics including, but not limited to, free range carrots, various inflatable objects, vegan stew (mmm, vegans), comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s incredibly lame brand of redneck humor, and 101 things to do with a great big hole in the ground, the Brown Band finally settled on a salute to all things geeky.

What’s that you say? A salute to Dartmouth? No, no, a salute to all things geeky, not Greeky!

We’ll start off with physics, because the band has a lot in common with light. You see, sometimes we behave like a particle [Band squeezes together in middle of field] and sometimes like a wave [Band does the wave]. Watch now as the band salutes physics and scientific experimentation in general by reenacting the two slit experiment all day and all of the night.

[Band demonstrates paradoxical quantum behavior of photons shot through two slits in a carboard barrier and plays "All Day and All of the Night."]

Because of our interest in all things geeky, the band was very interested to hear that Dartmouth College has finally set a release date for the long delayed BASIC ‘96. It’s designers promise that BASIC ‘96 is destined to change the way first graders and Dartmouth students use computers, although detractors say that it’s nothing more than LOGO ‘89. As for the computing needs of the Brown Band, we prefer Unix.

What’s that you say? Doesn’t that hurt? No, no... not those kind of eunuchs, Unix the operating system!

[Band forms "X^2" (x squared) on field]

Humor has always been an integral part of the Brown Band, but it has come to our attention that some people accuse us of being derivative. Watch now as we differentiate ourselves.

[Band forms "2X," plays "In The Fray"]

Of course no salute to all things geeky would be complete without reference to Star Trek. In less than a week the boys at Paramount will release a new Trek film on the unsuspecting masses. Trekkies, Trekkers and Tribbles everywhere wait with baited breath to see what happens when the crew travels back in time in order to prevent Boris Yeltsin from getting back on the sauce. Will Worf be able to take down Janet Reno in single combat? Can Data show more emotion than Al Gore? Who are more ruthless, the Borg or the Republican Congress? And of course the ultimate question on everybody’s mind: [dramatic pause] Can Captain Kirk continue to pick up women from beyond the grave?

Watch now as we boldly go where no Band has gone before.

[Band forms "B" plays "Time Warp"]

Join us next week when the Bears take on the Lions of Columbia and the Brown Band shakes off these little town blues.

[Band plays #1, marches off field]

Brown 27 at Columbia 31
Saturday, November 23, 1996

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that promises no smurf jokes or triple your money back, it’s the Brown University "Three apples high" BAND!

[Band runs onto field, forms football]

[Band plays "NFL Today"]

Today’s game, which has historically been played to see who would avoid residing in the basement of the Ivy League, is instead a battle for second place. Watch now as the Brown Band salutes an amazing season of Brown football by playing "For Bruno and For Brown."

[Band forms "B," plays #4]

[Band Marches off to #1 (still in "B")]

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that has been banned from BioSphere 2, it’s the Brown University "Which virus was in the vial I just dropped?" BAND!

[Band infects field]

Mapping the discursive play of cultural dialogues onto Foucault’s panopticon model in a postmodern world where public areas have achieved the status of hyperreality and marginalized identities risk assimilation into the simulacrum formed by an Althuserrian dominant ideology, we can agree with Eve Sedgwick that drag can be seen as a deconstruction of gender’s performativity as a culturally constructed...

Uh, Bob?

[Bob Chapman ‘98 stops running, looks up at press box]

I have bad news for you. . . I think you must have given the Columbia script to your semiotics professor.

[Chapman smacks his forehead in dismay]

What do you want me to do?

[Chapman shrugs]

OK, I’ll wing it. Watch now as the band, um. . . as the band... gets a head start on Thanksgiving by forming a turkey baster and playing "Birdland."

[Band forms baster and plays "Birdland"]

OK, I know... We’ll do a salute to Mother Goose:

Boutros Boutros sat on the wall
Boutros Boutros had a great fall
Cos all of our diplomats and those kinds of men
Don’t want old Boutros to run the UN

Old Bob Dole
Was a sour old soul
And a sour old man was he
He called for a tax cut
Talked up family values
But still couldn’t find victory

Sing a song of Clinton, let’s make him a big cake
Four and twenty Grad Students set out for to bake
When the bake was finished one Grad said to the rest
"Hope this cake is really good ‘cause I just missed my test!"

Watch now as the Brown Band disses the butcher and the candlestick maker and salutes the baker, and the voters of California, by forming a cake and playing "Brown Man Baked."

[Band forms cake and plays "Brown Man Born"]

Baa baa green sheep
Have you any band?
Yes sir, yes sir
They play Hawaii 5-0 on demand

Boris, Boris, with liver porous,
How does your country run?
"With vodka glasses and heart bypasses
And KGB files on everyone."

Hickory dickory dock
The band was watching the clock
So if our show runs overtime
You all can...

Watch now as the Brown Band forms what’s left of Boris Yeltsin’s liver and tries to turn back time.

[Band forms "B" and plays "Timewarp"]

And now ladies and gentlemen, sit tight for the next component of the half-time festivities: No, they’re not refugees from the East Side, they’re a group of the only musicians on Earth more confused than Michael Jackson... as for the Brown Band, we’ll see you all next season!

[Band marches off to #1 on yard lines]