Brown at Yale
Saturday, September 18, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that is about to decisively prove its superior fashion sense, it's the Brown University - anyone wanna buy a used rugby? - Band.

(Band struts onto field, making sure to do our best supermodel imitations.)

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that feels safe to walk upon its own city streets, it's the Brown University - we get to leave after the game - Band.

(Band warily takes field, checking over their shoulders and making sure to walk in groups of 3 or more.)

As many of you may have heard, the highly respected National Review College Guide recently rated Brown as being at 'the forefront of the dissolution of academic standards'. Other schools such as Yale, Harvard, Stanford, and Dartmouth were also listed as being representative of the 'deplorable state of higher education in America today.' Well, yet another college review that puts Yale second. At Brown we wear Bill Buckley's scorn like a badge of honor. And as for all the faithful readers who rely on the National Review for their college decisions, we heard they're both going to Providence College.

Watch now as the Band forms its GPA and plays 'Liar'.

(Band forms the letters 'N/A' and plays Fire.)

Ah New Haven. If there's one thing we sure do envy about Yale, it's your prime location. The job market here is incredible! You Yalies are almost assured of finding jobs after graduation, what with the World Wrestling Federation headquartered so close by. And men, don't think this doesn't apply to you too! Unfortunately, it seems that the real estate market here is somewhat depressed. Apparently a large institution of higher education, frequently ranked second in the nation, has been selling off its property and inundating the market. In fact, we noticed that the roadside rest stop was offering a special package: get a piece of the Berlin Wall and a piece of Yale for just $5. Needless to say we spent our money on fries instead.

Watch now as Brown flushes the Yale Bowl and plays 'Oh man - what a hole'.

(Brown does a moving formation of a toilet bowl being flushed and plays Old Time Rock and Roll.)

We in the Brown Band would like to be the first to congratulate Yale on their selection of a new President. In order to be certain the President would not jump ship when a better offer came along, the search committee had to make sure that their candidate wasn't qualified for any higher paying jobs. As a service to the search committee, we've compiled a list of the top 5 jobs for which Yale President's are qualified.

(Drum roll please.)

5. Salesperson at the Coop in Harvard Square
4. Head speechwriter for Joe Biden
3. Professor of Hotel Administration at Cornell
2. President of the Yale Band

...and the number one job for which Yale President's are qualified:
1. "Would you like fries with that?"

Watch now as the Band forms the future of all Yalies and plays New Haven Nevermore.

(Band forms the Golden Arches and plays Brown Forevermore.)

We'll see you in two years, by which time we'll really be ready to use the Yale Bowl again.

Brown vs. Rhode Island
Saturday, October 2, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that is celebrating its 69th anniversary, it's the Brown University "why yes, these are new uniforms we're wearing" BAND!!!

(Band takes the field in a fit of 69th anniversary jubilation.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that was NOT humiliated by North Carolina on national TV last April, it's the Brown University "where is Kingston, anyway?" BAND!!!

(Band meanders onto field studying maps of Rhode Island.)

Students returned to College Hill this semester to find a number of changes around campus. French fries at Josiah's doubled in price to 30 cents an ounce, apparently in an effort to jump start the faltering Campaign for the Rising Generation. Police and Security announced a zero tolerance fire alarm policy with fines starting at $10 for students living in buildings where false alarms are pulled, also apparently an effort to jump start the Capital Campaign. Finally, the Ratty implemented a new boxless cereal distribution system, causing a drop in applications to URI and a drop in campus literacy in general.

Watch now as the band forms a cereal box and plays "Lucky's Gone."

(Band forms a cereal box and plays Gospel John.)

Another year, another Governor's Cup. We are happy to see Governor Sundlun here today enjoying the game. On a related note, we'd like to remind the Governor that Bruno the Brown Bear is NOT a raccoon. State Representative and potential gubernatorial challenger Ron Machtley was quoted as saying, "Boy I hope the governor doesn't kill me - in the election that is." And Rhody the Ram, the CCRI mascot, said, "I hope after today's game I'm not Rhody the Rhode Kill."

Watch now as the band forms a raccoon and plays "Bagged Seven."

(Band forms a raccoon and plays Magnificent Seven.)

Today's game is being broadcast by WBRU-AM, so those of you living on the second floor of Emery near the stairway feel free to tune in. In national news, President Clinton and Bill announced their new health care initiative to the nation recently. Harvard Law reported a subsequent rise in applications from former PLME's. The North American Free Trade Agreement will be debated in Congress soon, with the main issue being the possible loss of low skilled American jobs. Professors at URI are already polishing their resumes. Ross Perot says, "That NAFTA agreement makes me so angry I could shoot a raccoon."

Watch now as the Band forms Ross Perot's head and plays "Nothing's In There."

(Band forms Ross Perot's ears with big empty space in between and plays Brown Bear.)

We'll see you again next week when Brown and Bucknell do battle and the band goes raccoon hunting.

Brown vs. Princeton "Homecoming"
Saturday, October 9, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that CHOSE not to apply to Princeton, it's the Brown University - never mind the rankings, New Jersey smells - BAND!!!

(Band takes the field reading their US News & World Reports.)

Halftime:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that prefers the home-cooked taste of the Ratty to any Eating Club, it's the Brown University - more African Peanut Butter Stew Mom, please - BAND!!!

(Band runs clear across field to nearest Porta-Potty.)

As many of you know, Brown was the proud host of First Lady Hillary Clinton this week. A hot issue around campus was the restricted admission. Only certain invited groups were allowed to attend. The College Republicans were not originally on the "in" list, but fortunately extra seats were found in the back for both of them. After the televised discussion ended, Mrs. Clinton visited Andrews House, home of Brown's own Health Services. After waiting in line for an hour an half, Hillary was given some hot chicken soup by a nurse and told to go home.

Watch now as the Band forms a bowl of soup and plays "Take Two and Call Me."

(Band forms a bowl of soup and plays "Rubber Duckie")

In honor of today's Homecoming Game, we'd like to present a comparison/contrast of Brown thirty years ago and Brown today:

Then, the Ratty provided students with numerous culinary delights for their dining pleasure. Now, the Ratty serves pasta, rice and Lucky Charms.

Then, the Princeton Band sported stylish, new orange and plaid uniforms. Now, the Princeton Band sports ugly, old faded orange and plaid uniforms.

Then, students wrote papers by hand with pen and correction fluid. Now, students type papers in the CIT with spell-checker and automatic thesaurus.

Watch now as the Band forms an amorphous blob and plays "White Out."

(Bands forms an amorphous blob and plays "Wipe Out")

We'd like to welcome all the alumni who returned to Brown for today's Homecoming Game. Be careful about visiting your old dorms however, as there is a chance you may be caught in a false alarm and forced to pay a $10 fine. Many of you may have noticed some changes around campus, such as the repairs to Stuart Theater or the moving of the Bear to the Main Green. And as long as you keep those Capital Campaign donations coming, we guarantee that we'll have some new construction for you to admire each year!

Please rise and join us now in singing the Alma Mater.

(Band forms Brown Shield with streamers and plays Alma Mater.)

We'll see you again next week when Brown battles Bucknell in front of our parents, and we watch.

Brown vs. Bucknell "Parents' Weekend"
Saturday, October 16, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and parents, presenting a lack of organization, it's the Brown University - what we lack in numbers we make up for in. . . in. . . in. . . oh never mind - BAND!!!

(Band takes field. All 6 of us.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, and parents, presenting an organization whose new CD Dusky is on sale now at the Brown Bookstore, it's the Brown University - we sell cassettes too - BAND!!!

(Band grazes onto field and proceeds to chew its cud.)

Welcome to Brown University's annual Parents Weekend. Following is a schedule of activities for students, parents, and guests:

Watch now as the Band engages in happy talky talk and plays "Buy Dusky Right Now."

(Band forms a palm tree and plays Right Here, Right Now.)

Brown parents can often feel out of touch with their children, and sometimes communication between Brown students and their parents is difficult. We'd like to provide parents with the following advice on how to understand what your Brown student is telling you:

(Band forms a newspaper page and plays Birdland.)

Parents worried about the safety of their child should rest assured that Brown has numerous programs geared toward safeguarding the well-being of its students. The Brown Escort Service is not only free, but takes extra steps to guarantee your student the best protection possible. The same applies to Health Services. Brown Police Officers, though armed only with a smile and a donut, maintain a visible presence on campus, deterring would-be criminals and marauding Harvard students. In fact the Brown campus is so safe that a recent Office of Risk Management study concluded that the only real threats to student's well-being are UFS theme nights. Watch now as the Band forms a karaoke machine and plays "Burn the Ratty to the Ground."

(Band forms a Karaoke machine and plays For Bruno and For Brown.)

We'll see you again in two weeks when Brown and Cornell collide, and the Band implodes.

Brown at Pennsylvania
Saturday, October 23, 19933

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization composed entirely of unemployed former Solid Gold dancers, it's the Brown University - hot pants should be banned - BAND!!!!

(Field takes band.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that is about to act out page 217 of its autobiography, it's the Brown University - let's hope the next 217 are as good as the first 217 were - BAND!!!!

(Band takes field back.)

We in the Band always look forward to returning to beautiful Franklin Field. Look's like the stadium is only about half full today - apparently you're saving the other half of the seats for the 50% of the Penn applicants who AREN'T accepted. The University of Pennsylvania - heads you're in, tails you're waitlisted. Instead of an application fee, Penn applicants can simply mail in five proof-of-purchases from Quaker Oats cereals. Wilford Brimley says, "Apply to Penn. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."

Watch now as the Band forms a steaming bowl of oatmeal and plays "Oatmeal for Me."

(Band forms bowl of oatmeal and plays Ob-la-di.)

Autobiography of Elrod T. Snidley, page 217. I have just completed my Penn application and my fifth bowl of Quaker Oats. Although I am nervous about being accepted to Penn, I am enclosing a double-headed quarter to aid the Admissions Office with their final decision. And if that doesn't work, then I can always bribe someone. I should have no trouble getting in however, because unlike most Penn applicants, I was able to check the "can tie own shoes" box on my application.

Watch now as the Band forms a water buffalo and plays "Penn State Rejection."

(Band forms a water buffalo and plays Rainbow Connection.)

Welcome to the University of Pennsylvania's annual Parent's Weekend. We'd like to reassure those parents worried about their safety while on campus that, despite Philadelphia's reputation, the chances of being mugged are no greater than the chances of being attacked by a water buffalo. Furthermore, the University has formed a special Committee for Water Buffalo Safety to increase campus water buffalo safety awareness. Besides, most of the dangerous water buffalo have left Philadelphia and now live in Washington at the National Endowment for the Humanities.

Watch now as the band salutes the City of Brotherly Love and plays "YMCA."

(Band forms the Liberty Bell and plays YMCA.)

We'll see you again in two years, when the defending Ivy League Champion Brown Bears will pummel the Fighting Quakers into submission.

Brown vs. Cornell
Saturday, October 30, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that doesn't need masks to celebrate Halloween, it's the Brown University - BOO!! AIGHHH!! - BAND!!!

(Band rides brooms onto field.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that thinks it's a weeble-wobble,

(Band falls down and gets up)

it's the Brown University - actually we were just imitating the Cornell Cheerleaders - BAND!!!

(Band does cartwheels onto field.)

We'd like to congratulate Cornell on being the proud alma mater of the first veterinarian in space, Dr. Martin Fettman. We understand that soon the school of Hotel Administration plans to launch an entire functioning Howard Johnson's into orbit. The hotel will feature attractions such as the zero-G gorge, where distraught freshman can experience the thrill of suicide again and again. To help guests stay warm during those long, cold space nights, each room will come equipped with sheep-skin blankets. We in the Brown Band are envious yet proud of the accomplishments of our Ivy League cousins.

Please rise and join us as we give Cornell a Big Red salute and play the Cornell Alma Mater.

(Band forms CU and plays Rawhide.)

The Band recently found an aging copy of the diary of Ezra Cornell. Let us recount one of the more moving passages from Ezra's life, when he first arrived in Ithaca. "Having thoroughly lost my way to Florida, I've given up and decided to found my university here in Ithaca. While Ithaca doesn't have the sun, beaches, and tennis facilities that Florida has, the area is gorge-ous and will surely provide future students with places to relax and dive into their studies. I must confess, Ithaca is not the ideal location for a university. But someday this backwards rural village will become a bustling metropolis and the pinnacle of higher education in America - (pause) - or maybe not."

Watch now as the band forms Ezra's diary and plays "The Weather in Ithaca is so nice in March."

(Band forms Ezra's diary and plays the Liberty Bell March.)

And now please welcome the Brown University Cello Choir in their first ever halftime appearance. The Cello Choir will be performing Stars and Stripes Forever by John Phillip Sousa.

(Cello Choir plays Stars and Stripes Forever.)

As most of you probably know by now, the Brown Bookstore completed major renovations this past summer. The Bookstore is offering many new products for sale. Among other items, the Bookstore now carries University Hall trading cards. You can collect all your favorites and trade with your friends - "I'll give you a President Gregorian for a Dean Blumstein!" The Bookstore is also offering for sale special limited edition "My parents spent $100,000 to send me to Brown and all I got was this shirt" t-shirts. The Bookstore has generously offered to donate a percentage of the profits to the Capital Campaign.

Please rise now and join us - for real this time - , as the Band and the Cello Choir, together for the first time, honor Brown and play the Alma Mater.

(Band forms the Brown semi-circle around Cello Choir and plays the Alma Mater.)

We'll see you again next week when Harvard storms into Providence, and the Band storms the Harvard drum.

Brown vs. Harvard
Saturday, November 6, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting the best band pound-for-pound in the world, it's the Brown University - "We're the greatest of all tiiiime" - BAND!!!

(Band shuffles onto field.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting a bunch of people with instruments, it's the Brown University - "Tuba? We don't need no stinkin' tuba" - BAND!!!

(Band takes field and turns up low EQ to compensate for lack of bass.)

Coming this winter on Sundays on the Fox Network, it's the brand new Beavis, Butthead, and Barney Show. Here are some highlights from the season premiere:

(Band plays Barney theme. Announcer interrupts.)

(Butthead voice)

Hey Beavis - this song sucks. Change it. Heh-heh, heh-heh.

(Barney voice)

Hello to all my special friends, I'm glad you came to play.

Our fun and learning never ends, here's what we did today!

(Butthead voice)

Hey Beavis - look - it's a big purple and green zit. Heh-heh, heh-heh. (Beavis voice) You said zit. Heh-heh, heh-heh. Let's burn it. Heh-heh, heh-heh. Fire, fire, fire, fire. . .

(Band forms Barney and plays Fire.)

Also on Fox this winter, tune in for the new "Politically Incorrect Harvard Professors Show." The premiere will feature Law Professor Alan Dershowitz explaining at length how to make big bucks defending rapists by discrediting their victims. Later shows will include a special on homosexuality, where Government Professor Harvey Mansfield will explain how gays are really unhappy, shameful, and irresponsible. Each show will have a special rebuttal section hosted by film director and Harvard Professor Spike Lee.

Watch now as the Band forms a Spike Lee joint and plays "Jungle Fever".

(Band forms a movie reel and plays Birdland.)

In order to expand its curriculum to meet the ever-changing needs of its academic community, Harvard University has recently opened a new shopping mall in Harvard Square. The mall, officially called The Harvard Institute for Mall Studies, will be the home of numerous academic programs. The Psychology Department is offering a new class entitled "Mom, Can I Have Some Money: The Psychology of Mall Rats." Harvard Business School will naturally make use of the Mall's many resources to better train its students. And the History Department will be offering a graduate seminar on the History of Malls in America.

Watch now as the Band shows you the real meaning behind Harvard's new mall and plays "Harvard Mall is Born."

(Band forms a dollar sign and plays Brown Man Born.)

We'll see you again in two weeks for the game that will decide it all.

Brown at Dartmouth
Saturday, November 13, 1993

Pregame:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that thrives on adversity, it's the Brown University - go ahead, boo us, taunt us, jeer at us, curse at us, we dare you - BAND!!!

(Band takes field and quickly regrets its words.)

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that watches too much Saturday Night Live, it's the Brown University - Soylent Green is Sheep! It's Sheep! BAAAAAAAH! - BAND!!

(Band takes field and begins grazing.)

While writing this week's show, we were trying to decide whether to do cow jokes or sheep jokes. We decided we could really do either/or, because you do either/or. But we decided to do an entire show of sheep jokes. What do the following four people have in common: Ba Ba Blacksheep, Mary, Little Bo Peep, and Little Boy Blue? Besides the obvious fact that they're all Dartmouth alums, they're now all employed in Dartmouth's Job Placement Office. US New & World Report rates Dartmouth College #1 in the nation for its Shepherding Department.

Watch now as the Band forms what you expect us to form and plays "Ram Tough."

(Band forms a sheep and plays Hot Stuff.)

And now for some more sheep jokes. First we'd like to warn all Dartmouth students that wool shrinks when it gets wet. Or in other words, wool causes shrinkage. So be careful with your sheepskins. Speaking of sheep, we thought we should let you know that your ugly, slobbering, sheep-like mascot is good for one thing and one thing only, and it ain't lamb chops. If you think your mascot intimidates opponents, then someone is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Watch now as the Band forms the Dartmouth Dog and plays "Wool Pajama."

(Band forms female symbol and plays Copa Cabana.)

Ah what a beautiful day it is here in Hanover, New Hampshire. The sun is shining, the sheep are grazing on the Big Green Lawn, and the freshmen are contemplating attacking us. New Hampshire is such a pleasant state, especially during shearing season when love is in the air. Such romantic settings are hard to come by in the urban sprawl of Providence. But in Hanover, with its abundant grazing land, love is as common as the contented ba-ah of a sheep on a summer day.

Watch now as the Band forms yet another sheep - this month's Dartmouth Review "Centerfold."

(Band forms a sheep and plays Centerfold.)

That's it for this week's show. I bet you didn't think we could make so many sheep jokes. We'll see you again in two years, when we'll have ten minutes of cow jokes.

Brown vs. Columbia
Saturday, November 20, 1993

Halftime:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that enjoys singing in the rain, it's the Brown University - "Somewhere over the rainbow" - BAND!!!

(Band follows the yellow brick road to the field.)

Every autumn in week number ten,
After being slaughtered by Princeton and murdered by Penn,
As surely as leaves will fall to the ground,
SUNY Harlem will come to play Brown.

Yale and Harvard both tasted defeat,
And Bucknell was toppled as an added treat,
But no football season is truly complete,
Till the men in smurf blue have been resoundingly beat.

The training and practice and hard work and sweat,
Is all directed at the Columbia threat,
And as the season is winding down,
Like death and taxes, we bring the victory to Brown.

They yell and they curse and they scream and they fuss,
But eventually Columbia goes home on their bus.
Go home to Harlem - you've lost yet again,
But hey - at least your school is still better than Penn!!

Watch now as the Band salutes our team and plays "Ivy Heaven."

(Band forms #1 and plays Mag Seven.)

Brown Student Agencies, an independent student-run organization loosely affiliated with the University, has recently come under audit for questionable business practices. Following is a list of the top five secret items discovered during the BSA audit:

5. Missing issues of Playboy from the John Hay library
4. A radio that picks up WBRU-AM
3. $50 million dollars from Capital Campaign labeled "Need-Blind Admissions."
2. A gay studies concentration

...and the number 1 item found during the BSA audit:

1. A humorous yet tasteful and informative Film Bulletin.

Watch now as the Band forms the Film Bulletin and plays "Don't Hold Your Breath."

(Band forms Film Bulletin and plays Locomotive Breath.)

Much has occurred here at Brown since our last home game two weeks ago. Before reviewing these events, we'd like to apologize for the fire in the Stuart Theatre. We told the guy over and over again "The Ratty, The Ratty," but apparently he misunderstood. Video games and a jukebox were recently added to Josiah's. Future UFS plans call for a hot tub in The Gate and bumper cars in the Ivy Room. All proceeds go toward improving the selection of the vegan bar at the Ratty. Popular alternative band Belly recently cancelled their BCA-Alumnae Hall show in favor of a WBRU-FM sponsored concert. Apparently impressed with general manager Jason Bordoff's ability to outrage and anger the Brown community, the Film Bulletin has offered Bordoff an honorary columnist position.

Watch now as the Band salutes the cutting edge of rock and plays "For Us, not for Brown."

(Band forms a hand showing number 1 and plays For Bruno and For Brown.)

Well that wraps up this year's football season, but be sure to catch us this winter at Meehan Auditorium as the nation's best and only skating Band!!!