Brown vs. U.R.I
September 27, 1975
Enough of these RAM-ifications, Ladies, and Gentlemen, Friends and Alumni and all you sheepish grins, presenting the only band who’s hairdresser doesn’t even know for sure, straight from a quick engagement in the U.R.I. locker room, it’s the Pembroke College bump and grind Band.
(Band runs from trees into block formation, plays a few measures of “Ain’t She Sweet,” cadence into “Our Director’s March,” replete with pinwheels, high stepping and the whole shtick)
The Band would like to acquaint the returning student body with some of the current events the BDJ has been unable to cover due to lack of funds. The dearth of money has resulted in a shortage of such essential items as resident fellows, toilet paper, and junior faculty members. In fact, there seems to be a shortage of just about everything except- Freshmen. With 1,335 in the class of 79—971.5 of whom are Pre-Meds, the Band would like to be the first to misspell the N.Y. Times rumor that the nationwide class of 79 is D-U-M-B but they are “Coming In On A Wing and A Prayer.”
(D M U B- formed during the words misspells the rumor.)
Despite the university’s fiscal floundering, veteran Brunonians have noticed that there’s something fishy going on. Project Build a Better Brown By Bringing Back Beauty to Camp Bruno has included such noticeable achievements as the laying of a new sidewalk of the green, grass in Wriston Quad, the Pembroke sculpture that makes even the new dorms look good, Whitehall is now a garage, and Lloyd’s is now a parking lot. In memory of this, demolished delectable delicatessen the band forms the intersection of Brook and Waterman and plays “Standing On the Corner.”
And this hot flash from the Housing Office – the 145 transfer students who have been living in Arnold Lounge have been reassigned off-campus housing. The Band extends its sympathies to these homeless waifs and plays.
(Repeat “Standing On the Corner.” Run out of previous formation and then run back into on whistle).
Be back in two weeks to see the real dogs from New Haven Tech.
Brown vs. Penn
October 4, 1975
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and Alumni, and all you Milton Bradley dropouts, presenting the phoniest band that funny money can buy, straight from a two-week engagement monopolizing the streets of Atlantic City, New Jersey, it’s the Brown University all-purpose utility band.
(Come running out into two dice)
Philadelphia being the Bicentennial capital, the band pays tribute to a great invention of 1776: Monopoly. To get the show rolling the band throws a three the hard way and promptly moves to Boardwalk. Since we cheat, all we need now is a little bit of luck.
(Play “With a Little Bit of Luck.”)
This is the city, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. We were working the day shift out of fraud and bunko. We got a call from the Brown Band. They said that they had landed on Community Chest, but somebody had already grabbed it. Sounded like the work of the Rank Schizzo Gang (Dum-De-Dum-Dum) 2:29 P.M. Suspect was apprehended at the site of his newly erected house. Suspect was convicted and sentenced as following: Go directly to jail, do not pass the buck, do not collect kickbacks.
(Finish playing Dragnet forming jail bars.)
The band passes Go twice, collects $400, and lands on Chance, but since we never take chances we roll again. With our newly acquired wealth we consider investing in the nearest utility. We would buy the Trenton Water Works but we’re not sure that they do. The band forms a big drip on the field and plays Drip Drops Keep Falling on My Head.
(Play Raindrops and form drop coming out of faucet)
Getting board with the game, the band salutes its former athletic director, Andy Geiger. Andy was offered a house on Pennsylvania Avenue and thinking that it was Penn State he accepted. Unable to form a Nittany Lion on the field the Band instead salutes our former athletic director Ferdinand Andy Geiger by forming his initials on the field and playing king Andy’s Song.
(Play “King Herd’s Song” forming F-A-G)
Be back two years from now when the band finds out if Penn is still in the Ivy League.
(Off to “In The Fray”)
Brown vs. Yale
October 11, 1975
Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and Alumni, and all you freshmen mothers and fathers, and their parents. Presenting the one band only a mother could love, smuggled in especially for today’s performance from lovely, downtown Hohokus, New Jersey. It’s the Brown University Marching Contra-band.
(Run out into a phone)
The band would like to continue its series of lectures on things you should know about Brown entitled, Barely Facts. Ringing in the Centrex system’s first anniversary the band offers instruction on fun things you can do with your phone. Ever try dialing 3-0-3-3?
(Numbers on phone dial out the number, saxes play a busy signal)
Rug out from dialing the housing office for half the day, the band invests a few dollars, get s a touchtone phone. (form touchtone phone) and attempts to buzz President Hornig’s office. (triangles for phone ringing) We’re sorry, but this number is no longer in service. Desperate to hear a human voice at 3 AM the band finds out what it missed for dinner by dialing M-E-N-U.
(Push buttons dial number; recording of Ratty meal.)
In response to this repulsive Ratty repast, the band plays “Classical Gas”.
(Whistle into approx. F.A.G.)
Speaking of loose connections, the band wires the athletic department person to person to Mr. Ferdinand Andy Geiger only to find he’s no longer with us. It seems someone made Andy an offer to come to Pennsylvania and thinking that it was Penn State, he didn’t refuse. With Geiger’s resignation the athletic department decided to cut back from a three letterman to a two letterman by appointing Bob Seiple. The band salutes its new censure and plays shut up the band.
(play “Strike Up the Band” and run into B.S.)
Digressing momentarily from the mainstream of this afternoon’s symposium, the band tacitly turns from initials to officials and takes a primary look at the upcoming nominations for Camp Bruno’s new director by compiling a catalogue of compulsory credentials. He or she must possess:
A) The economic prowess of Abe Beame
B) The political tact of Indira Gandhi
C) The openness and candor of Ron Zeigler
D) A minimum of four years experience playing football without a helmet, and
E) The ability to leap the Sci Li in a single bound.
The band salutes our future commandant, forms his office in University Hall, and plays “Beginnings”.
Be back one year from now to see if the Yale band has finally been house broken