I'm less fuzzy in real life.

Dossier:

• Class of: 2009
• Concentration: Gangster Killing/Comparative Lit/Lasers

Insight Into My Being:

• My life is not all cupcakes and Jesus juice like you might assume. They say they’re going to have a hair stylist there. There is no hair stylist, ya know. One maybe, yes, for what fifty people, you know what I mean. You gotta bring your own scissors too, they say I have misplaced my scissors. What, whoever heard of a hair stylist has no scissors? They say we just style it we don’t cut it. What? Literally they are there to cut, you know, I mean a barber is a, what, hair stylist it means a barber. Do I have my own mousse or what? Do you think I have my own mousse? I have no mousse.

After A Show I Have Been Called:

• By My Mom
• A Jerk

Yes.

Dossier:

• Class of oh eleven
• Male
• Not Jewish, gay, or European, so how the hell is he funny?

Insight Into My Being:

• To keep his drug habit up, Dan found work as a janitor in a university building doing experiments with marijuana. After his friend was arrested for killing a diabetic police horse, he tried to post bail by selling huge amounts of weed stolen from the university building. Surprisingly, Dan found himself over his head as numerous powerful forces--the law, drug competition, a love interest, and the ever-ticking clock for his friend in jail--were closing in on his inexperienced, strung out self. But with determination and a strong heart, Dan pulled through and realized that he had been dead all along.

Random Fact:

• Dan's last name rhymes with licker. Feel free to make up as many limericks as you wish.

Dossier:

• Class of 2011
• Concentration: Outer Space and its Effects on War Veterans

Insight Into My Being:

• He earned the name Michael "Fast Fingers" Chang as his high school's graphing-calculator-Tetris champion. On his calculator, he holds all 3 high scores: 49072, 47330, and 46641. He has yet to breach 50,000, but is relentless in his quest to do so.

Random Fact:

Looks better with a mustache than Ben Cohen

Dossier:

• Class of 2011
• Concentration: MCM track-II-pretentious

Insight Into My Being:

• Emily’s being can be insighted in two words: Joyful and Joyful. This has not to do with her emotions (be them often in a state of joy), but everything to do with her favorite rendition of “Joyful, Joyful” from Sister Act II: Back in the Habit. Maybe she was in gospel choir in sixth grade, maybe she wasn’t. But the fact remains: Not all Snapple facts are true. I got a Snapple cap that said that once. Mindpuzzle!

I heard Emily Fishman is using a moustache picture.

Dossier:

• Class of 2011
• Concentration: Literary Arts, MCM, euphemisms for naughty, and the cultural significance of the film Point Break.

Insight Into My Being:

• I like good movies. Not great movies. Not bad movies. Good movies. You might think Back to the Future. You might think Independence Day. You might think My Dog Skip. You certainly might think Die Hard. And you even might think Father of the Bride. But after that, I advise you to stop thinking.