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/opt/local/apache/htdocs/INDY/alpha/scripts/indy_input.php.bak on line 460 Brunolingus: Sex Talk at Brown Humpback Male: In defense of dry humping . . . by Brian Faas / illustration by Emily Nemens I like dry humping. I like it more than roller coasters and Real World marathons-combined. I like it so much that I'm often disappointed when sex progresses, when clothes are torn off, when all of a sudden I can see an end to the night's activities in the distance. Sometimes you just want the opening act to keep playing because the band is so into it and doesn't act all big because its name is on the ticket. While I came for the headliner, I discovered something better along the way. I didn't think I was alone in my love for dry humping until I started asking around. I guess most people would rather "do other things," but I'm not embarrassed to admit that more than just sometimes I wouldn't rather, you know, be having sex. Dry humping is one of my favorite things ever (along with French fries and unconditional love), and I'm sick of the bad rap it's been getting. "But Brian, dry humping is what you do in high school when you're not ready to have sex," one friend tells me. "Maybe you should grow up." For the record, I'm not speaking to that friend right now, but he did open my eyes to a whole world of misunderstanding surrounding the hump that is dry. Most people think of dry humping more like the opening act that you politely sit through before the main event. They see it as a stepping stone, a substitution, or even a regression. Another friend tells me that she and her boyfriend would be making out, and heavy petting would follow along with some grinding. The problem? Their dry humping would almost always become wet humping. Guys: it's no fun for the other person when you cream your shorts. Plus, it means you have to do laundry.Two reasons to learn how to back off before you whack off. After all, they call it dry humping for a reason. Otherwise it would be called warm-and-sticky-down-your-leg humping. I'm a little obsessive-compulsive when it comes to bedtime manners. I like less-than-messy sex. To avoid the less-than-sexy mess, dry humping is a great option. But I think it's more complex than that. Why do I love it so? Is it my fetish for underwear, my Peter Pan complex, or some deep-rooted former altar boy morality that leads me to want to get it on without giving it up? For one thing, I like its versatility. Dry humping can occur standing up or sitting down, on a dance floor or under the covers. You can dry hump on a first date or on a 21st date, with someone you like or with someone you love. Whether fully clothed or fully frontal, on top, on bottom, or sideways, dry humping is a great way to physically get to know a partner without the emotional heaviness of "real sex." You can fit it in between lunch and an afternoon snack, or make an evening out of it! Sure, dry humping isn't intercourse, but it's still sweet-like candy, except with a boner. Second, I do like underwear-and all clothes, for that matter. Often the goal of dating is to see someone with his or her clothes off, but most people look better with them on. Even if you have already seen the person naked, there's an air of mystery suggested by semi-nudity. Plus, for the tactilely sensitive folks out there, dry humping allows for textures beyond skin-on-skin contact. Third, I liked high school (or at least the idea of high school). Like many of my friends, I hit a quarter-life crisis when I turned 20 and realized I wasn't a teenager anymore. For me, dry humping is like a time machine. I close my eyes and imagine myself in my parents' basement-sexually frustrated, zit-covered, half-thinking about the math quiz and half-listening for the garage door so my friend and I could pretend we were watching TV when Dad got home from work. Hey, if it's good enough for Joey and Dawson, it's good enough for me. "But seriously, dude," says the guy I'm still not speaking to. "It's not sex. It's not penetration." He has a good point though, and a lot of straight girls I spoke with said the same thing. Dry humping may be fun for boys, but many girls want their lovin' a little deeper. Up until now, my analysis of dry humping has been a bit phallocentric, probably because my participation in the activity has always involved at least one phallus. But maybe it's not supposed to be for everyone. For those who like the penis-in-vagina route, they can speed directly past dry humping-top down, music blaring, with no idea what they're missing. For others, dry humping offers a rest stop where the sign says "Welcome to Fun, Population: You and me." Pull off on this sexit ramp and you just may find more than tight briefs and damp panties.

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